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Mindfulness and codependence thread

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Hopalong:
Deep dark nights with stars, stillness, peace, warmth and rest to all!

Ho Ho Ho and love,

Hops & Pooch

lighter:
When I returned from the lake, DD21 was quite upset in many directions and spent several hours telling me about it the next morning.

I know she was an easy child and sees herself as not getting enough, bc her sister had health issues and all the legals.... DD21 just didn't get enough attention and I know that's true.

Once I began researching healthy boundaries and parenting strategies, I began telling the girls they'd figure things out. 
"You'll figure that out, everything will be OK... even if it's not OK.... it will be OK."

That was more the them, rather than me trying to save everyone, bc sending the message they can save themselves is the healthier and saner option.

With regard to DD21's ED, she really felt her sister and I would have let her perish in her room, at a point.  I told her I didn't realize she had the ED and took her to the nutritionist we agreed on, who didn't realize she had one either.  It was never my intention to make her feel abandoned.... I didn't know she felt that way or was ill. 

DD21 also very anxious about DD23 carrying a full load at University without "doing due diligence" first.  DD21 feels working 3 years didn't in any way prepare her sister to go back to school and I understand being concerned, but my default is....
"she'll handle it," which ticks DD21 off all over again. 

This conversation, I experienced several little deaths.... without excuses for why or how anything happened.

I took responsibility for having a tendency toward avoidance, (which I modeled and both girls exhibit, more or less) and accepted I'd failed to keep my children safe during their childhoods.  Oof.  So painful.  Little deaths. 

DD21 went out all night after our tough conversation.  When she came home the next evening, last night, she seemed pretty normal. 
She's dating someone new.... i think I can call it dating.  Theyr'e watching FLEA BAG and Studio Ghibli films and going to Karaoke together.

 I have an appointment with one of those fabricaated bath surround companies this evening, cracked my pbone the day before yesterday (DO NOT PUT THEM ON YOUR BACK POCKETS PEOPLE!)  and received the new one yesterday, but all my passwords are IN the old phone and Ic an't get into it so that's me going back to the phone company to see if they can transfer data from a broken phone. 

I have paperwork to deal with..... and I'm trying to shift how I think about it and just get on.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
About the little deaths...

in some bassackwards way, this is validating your DD's perception; filling up her bucket of trust in herself. For you, it's a very distant perspective on what you lived through and now have changed understandings about that. But at that time - in that present moment - you DID THE BEST YOU KNEW HOW TO DO. Doesn't mean you don't acknowledge that it wasn't perfect; maybe didn't meet DD's needs (or wants); you accept the responsibility.

I find there is something useful in re-facing some of these "accusations" about less than picture perfect mothering for each very unique child. For both Hol & I. But we've spent a lot of time processing all the fine details of that for many years now - and there just isn't much to say or admit or accept anymore about it. It's a boring topic for us to parse.

It's utility, perhaps, is that we're shifting out of the 46 yr old model of our conditioned "roles" and communication and perception of each other & ourselves. (And I can almost hear her disagreeing with me, now... LOL.) But it's freeing in a deep emotional way - disagreeing and allowing each of us our own "interpretation" of those things. It's helping her solidify what I call her "essential self" - integrating the inner child with her adult sensibilities and understanding.

That said, her recent levels of anxiety - and how she deals with it - are making me a little nutz. It's interfering with the mental/emotional space I have for my own stuff. B sees that clearly too. She knows she needs new ways to self-soothe and self-regulate; and I'm content to let her figure that out for herself. Occasionally, I'll suggest something in case she hasn't already thought of it.

Somehow the idea that our "relationships" are always the same has gotten into our consciousnesses. Along with the idea that "someday" after all our work on ourselves, we'll achieve total enlightenment and "perfect" ourselves and our lives. I used to the call the latter "white picket fence syndrome" - the "Leave it to Beaver" impossible picture of life that never existed outside of fiction or dream-fantasies. All these kinds of ideas seem self-limiting and overly restrictive and presumes that all people are exactly the same and that we all SHOULD be.

BLECH! Where's the mystery & adventure in THAT kind of life? Personally, I'm a bit tired of the constant drama around here and just need some boring mundane days so I can hear myself think. I don't need to constantly be involved in OPPs, for them to understand that I care and am here for them. (Rip Van Winkle mentality is WORKING for me!) I'm starting to get the spring energy to get busy "doing" again... but my priorities have been pared down so I don't overwhelm myself.

Hopalong:
I'm glad your Van Winkle gene is surfacing a bit, Amber, and I bet it's glad to get some air. Cannot hurt you to slow your huge drive to be productive just a little bit.
my priorities have been pared down so I don't overwhelm myself sounds very grounded and healthy to me.

Nobody sez we can't keep learning and priority-changing as we age, eh? Not only CAN we, but we've GOT to, if we want the different yet sweeter joys to take over freed spaces within us as time goes on.

I'm glad you're stepping back and "letting" Hol figure out what she plans to do about getting help with her anxiety and learning new self-soothing behaviors. She can do that. She can seek a therapist if she wants to. She can read stacks of books. She can decide to break up with Steve, or not. She can become her own best friend. (Only took me 70 years...).

Hugs to all-a y'all,
Hops

Hopalong:
((((Lighter))))),
Sounds like your response to those painful revelations about how DD felt has been honesty, ownership, no deflection, and humility.

That is an AWESOME response to give a hurt child of any age. Imo, she will respect you greatly for it, and after the acute feelings/memories are aired (quick process) and healed (long process), she will know that your character made you a certain kind of mother she can love, forgive, and appreciate for the rest of her life. Maybe not without bumps and shocks, because she's just at that age when serious unpacking is going on, and that's a bumpy ride. But I can imagine a very good long-term outcome.

Those "little deaths" are painful. But your habit of avoidance is also a habit of respecting space and autonomy for your DDs. As you are over and over LESS avoidant of learning/forgiving/protecting yourself, you're also not all wrong in avoiding. Each time you engage with that strong and humble attitude, you give them more space to find their own ways to heal, independent of you without breaking your bonds. Imo, anyway, great example that I'm not.

Amazing how things we do wrongest can eventually become things we do well.

hugs
Hops

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