Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
lighter:
Thanks for the kind words, Hops. I appreciate you so very much. I think I could just be there and accept what happened and didn't happen without reacting.... thank God for my dear therapist. If I'd had a phone, I would have been dialing her up the last 2 days.... it was rough, not gonna lie.
There was so much catching up and finding numbers I really need.....no time to do much else, besides cook and BE here for the girls.... all 3 of them. I'm more present, listening, talking less..... just trying to let them know I SEE them...hear them. I've been making yummy food every day..... today was a Cuban pork shoulder for tacos, nachos and hopefully a batch of tamales, Vietnamese Curry chicken with potatoes and carrots... broccoli on the side. Last night was Thai Green Curry with velveted chicken... so yummy all of it! Fresh pots of rice and the day before was beef Pho with the frozen noodles in the pink packaging. The food overlaps so there's choices and happy gatherings in the kitchen. If I could, I'd make sure we never eat fast food again.
I don't think I'll be able to clear my phone....it's locked and I have one more place to try tomorrow before giving up.... sending it to the insurance company with all my passwords and SO MUCH MORE would be stupid and haunt me,maybe worse.
Amber.... any ideas for dealing with a locked black screen phone I can't access to set it back to factory settings? Or how to transfer what's on itt?
On the other hand.... all the lost texts and contacts feels kind of....
freeing. The yelly neighbor guy's apology texts, proving my side of the story, have dissapeared and I feel nothing about it. Don;t care anymore. It's done. I help my favorite neighbors with their big trash cans, bring them yummy food when I make lots and that's feeling very right. I see the new baby go by in a carrier, usually on the front of the mum and dad, rarely together. I wish I was less anxious about them....wish I could be closer to the young mother and more helpful. Lordy... she reminds me of myself. A couple summer's ago she said she wants to be like me.. and that just makes it worse, bc my thing was marrying mean (likely gay/bi) boys in denial who try to fit in to their parents' idea of normal. I know where that leads and I lack the courage and stomach to witness it from close proximity.
Please Lord let me accept my children, as they are, and not need them to be other.
Lighter
lighter:
My brother called this morning and we chatted for a while..... he wanted to talk about the way he spoke to me and my sister at Thanksgiving. He didn't apologize, but expressed desire to explain why and how it happens. Our Mother and Step Father's actual hoarding traumatized him....and not just him, btw, but he's been deeply affected. I get it. There's "collecting" on both sides of the family, actually. I've posted about it, likely.
The thing is.... we all handle our stuff differently..... and if I spoke to him the way he spoke to me.... I'd be done with our relationship. I would have dropped all hope of going forward..... those words speak of war and court and splashing the entire family into chaos and dissaray. Not his actual words, but sort of.
So sayeth the avoidant sister, lol.
Our sister goes toe toe with him.... and I shut down, but today he was level and wanted to know if his words were getting through OR was I being silent and quietly offended by him. I let him know I'm offended when he's disdainful and purposefully offensive... so NO... I wasn't offended and could hear him. He had and has points..... he does. We agreed we have a limited time on this earth and we might as well figure this out. Truthfully.... his words and DD21's recent words have lead to my facing my avoidance.... and that's not a bad thing.
It's raining really hard again. I cut around -2- 6 foot tall Hemlocks and treated for wooly adelgid during a slow spot in the rain. It was easy digging, when I didn't hit rock or roots. I was breathless much of the time and the pug had a second walk, which wasn't her preference in the went, but there it is.
I'll go back in the Spring and dig up all the Hemlocks I've treated and dug around.... lost count how many, but I know I'll get tons of excercise. The urge to stretch and be active keeps popping up. My muscles like to stretch in the sunshine. Being active is shifting into new things..... just very done with old ways of being..... maybe done with mourning their loss, as well. It's apparent and larger than life.... one phase ending and turning into another.
I need to pay attention to this phase before it goes. I didn't use to know how to pay attention.... just knew a phase would end soon and began mourning before it happened.... not how I want to continue, for sure.
I think I have 4 more Hemlocks to cut around roots and treat..... I think I have just enough wooly adelgid treatment for them. Funny how things can work out when one relaxes and stops worrying/pushing/neeeeding things to BE done or something they can't ever be, kwim?
Lighter
lighter:
I thought about my Mother's brother today... he's caretaking my Aunt...his wife. She's miserable and can hardly walk and is pretty much bedridden and worried about how clean or not clean her house is.... so she doesn't want us visiting, but my Uncle won't be here forever.
I'm calling him again, soon, and going to see him. My Aunt left the house and went to my Cousin's during our last visit..... she wasn't happy about it either.
She made it clear she doesn't want to hear from us, in any way, and I've made peace with that.
Lighter
lighter:
While I was at the lake the girls were having troube with a tree limb breaking a back windshield, losing keys (typically; that DD loses NOTHING and is super responsible wth all her belongings) but there's been some upheaval leading ot upset for her over a new man she's seeing.... adorable, great sense of humor and DD really has fun with him, which is where the upset is coming from......
there's people who don't like the idea of her dating this cutie guy (or any guy for that matter.)
A trusted "friend's" brain broke and he started fabricating easily disproved lies about the guy DD is dating.
To make things worse, this is someone DD considered a father figure (FF) which adds a lot more upset for her. DD is trying to form a response. It's not good, bc they run in the same friend group and likely will create trouble...can't be avoided, IME. It's very sad women are expected to absorb trauma so they, and the entire social group, aren't punished and traumatized over and over again. Hate that, I do.
We've been enjoying a big puzzle together. DD doesn't need anyone telling her what to do and plenty of people are. We played the movie SOMETHING ABOUT MARY in the background over breakfast and it was funny, bc it's SO similar to her experience right now. It was eggs bennies with bacon and ham... the bacon was better. Much discussion over having new guy over for brunch... he can make real hollondais, bc he cares, and we're looking forward to it. It's so refreshing when everyone in the room shares similar sences of humor... or has one, even.
I really like the Magda character in SAM movie.
For dinner, we enjoyed potstickers wrapped in crunchy lettuce leafs with sweet chili sauce, lime and herbs for dinner.... yummy. I grabbed a bottle of wine from the fridge bc it's been sitting in the way for a week... won't get any fresher and DDs not cooking aything with wine lately. Leftover blueberries and apple went into the glass too. I'm breathing into this moment, enjoying every bite and sip as I recover from a sneaky hate spiral over surprise sub freezing temperatures on today's walks. I've been leaning into Spring and the warm sunny days I didn't think would end. Darn.
The pug's been patient and calm lately. She's in her bed, gently snore next to me now.
Lots of limbs down in the neighborhood. I think tree guys could stay busy for a month with all the old trees I rarely see get attention around here. I usually hire someone before I go away for a while, out of fear and anxiety over leaving girls to their own devices for weeks at a time. I think it's time to call the tree guys again.
Lighter
Hopalong:
How did I miss this? Feels like we went into our caves again and I guess I did too.
Very sorry to hear about DD's friend and the toxicity of your "good friend" who made up stuff about him. What motivated "GF", do you think? Father figure, my butt.
My life has been overbooked, so I'm learning to limit scheduling to one appointment thing/day, rarely two. Slow, gentle, with lots of solitude has been working well for me. But when I can get enough sleep I'm dragging myself out, and usually enjoy people when I do.
This weather is lovely but so so so sad. It's hard to take pleasure in it when you know what it means.
I hope you and the DDs are well and yes, taking pleasure in everything possible.
hugs
Hops
PS I was scrolling through past posts to see if I'd miss anything, and during my self-fixation a month ago I totally blew past your mention of being on the ground spitting teeth, metaphorically. What was that about, if you want to share? Sorry I missed it and hope it's resolved, but didn't sound good.
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