Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
lighter:
Hi, Hops:
If I'm getting right to the matter at hand, training myself out of avoidant coping strategies is at the root of my recent upheavals.
DD21 is dealing with the reality of men behaving like vindictive 4yos when thwarted.... and that's just how it goes, no matter how she moves through the world. As long as she's lovely and witty and funny and makes people in her orbit feeeeeeel wonderful.... they're going to lay claim, lash out, lie and behave badly "out of the blue" seemingly. I've explaine this to her and she's finding out... people say things... sometimes the exact opposite of their truth, and one can't assume everyone is a truth teller, bc they certainly are not.
It's so sad to watch. I wonder what kind of boundaries and walls she'll put up, if any. IME, this is the kind of experience leading to big change and DD isn't confused about it. She understands precisely how it went down and I hope she responds and becomes more proactive and wise while remaining open.
Changing subjects.... yesterday I realized I forgot I threw a punch at Yelly Guy Neighbor. I noticed I had no urge to speak about him at all when a neighbor talked about his father's withdrawal from all neighbors. I simply saw the father's POV.
The next day I wondered why I still avoided Yelly Guy, bc I'd walked calmly out of his path the other day without any emotional charge at all. There was zero upset for me and walking around him was more habit than anything else, I realized. THEN I remembered I'd thrown a punch.
At his face.
Meant to knock him tf out and then couldn't remember which punch I'd thrown..... DD21 said it was a R chin jab, which was a very good choice if I do say so, myself. I wouldn't have broken my hand.... and that would have come in handy had I just clipped him and made him mad, kwim? Jeez..... I know it was upsetting at the time, but it's just gone.
That I can't remember it speaks to processing it completely out of my limbic system and into historic files... gone. POOF. Like magic.
That's how things are heading and have been heading..... amazing, really.
I'll try to remember to set that intention daily...... to accept and process what I can't change and couldn't process before.
Yup yup yup.
lighter:
So, retired nurse had a pallet of wood chips delivered almost a week ago. Her dd and a grandson were helping yesterday....they drove over water lines with a car full of mulch bags. Hmmm. Hope that doesn't become a problem.
The little d on my shoulder is taking notes of all the work I no longer help retired nurse with. It used to be compulsive. My sister still jumps to help, as did I, but for the hand I put on her shoulder and reminder....we don't do that anymore. Consequences aren't just for us, turns out.
I enjoy doing the help I still provide (pick up sticks/branches during walks, handle the shared creek weed eating and clean out). I feel really good about this, even if she's praising Yelly Guy for the work.....no idea if he's taking credit. Do not care, but she never mentions it so assuming she thinks YGN does it.
The balance is restored when I remember the cuttings I take from her huge Hydrangea......she tried to say NO last year with the excuse she was "giving them to her DIL.".
Ridiculous, of course. The plant grows outside her little homemade cage every year and would be 20 feet across and against her house if left to itself. It reminded me of her "excuse" to stop using Preen.....
"I've decided I don't like the color of moss anymore.". It's green, same as the weeds and spits of grass she's promoting.
Do people not hear the stupid things coming out of their mouths? Can they not hear it?
Yelly Guy Neighbor stopped helping her with yard work long ago, but continues cutting through her yard. He's walked by those bags of mulch again and again and again.... without touching them.
Just doing my thing in my yard, sans any discussion with her, feels like clean clear river water rinsing away years of dust....and thirst. Just.....gone.
Cowgirl knocked on my door with a big red heart'o candy on Valentine's Day. She feels bad about the buddy fockery, but I have no patience or care and I told her plainl last year. She made her choice and peace settled over me like a warm head to toe, tucked into my gut, blanket. My acceptance doesn't sit well with her need to be liked and seen as "nice." Her struggle is familiar and reminds to be mindful of stripping it from my software daily.
More cool clean water....less dust.
Boundaries.
Holding them.
Hold....
Hold....
and it's over.
Yes.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Bravo!
Maybe you have an unusual but effective boundaries method.
You don't have them at first and get over-involved, and then you have a warrior boundary moment and establish new ones, but you still check over your shoulder about them holding, and they do because you did it so thoroughly, but the ghosts of absent boundaries past still niggle you a bit.
Is that way off? I think you're doing great. And, that it's not easy.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
I don't see it quite like that, Hops.
But I DO feel the cool clear water and absense of dust.
I also feel the amazing fellowship in providing meals to the elderly couple struggling next door. They're the shining light in my experience with neigbors..... and it's their presense and good will I'm drawn to. Helping them.... is also a draw..... similar to the Cowboys, but different, bc Yelly Guy's absense from the situation.
I don't know how to keep toxic people from tainting things.... that's clear enought by now.
I DO know how to shut off and shut out toxic people once they show me who they are..... and that's a simple ON/OFF switch in my gut. Once it's flipped.... I'm done.
I'm pcking up fewer sticks in Retired Nurse's yard..... have put off mowing the back and her part of the creek bank...... decided 'm undecided about helping her with her side at all and then there's this pull to have one final conversation to clarify her choices BEFORE that decision is finalized.
The musicual instrument maker, who's married to the doctor, noted how well my recent choices have "delineated" between the Nurse's and my yard. Nurse's weeds, moss and a few patches of grass on one side of a line of rather large stones with fallen leaves on my side with a recently planted line of Hemlocks running along the propertly line (planted without discussion, mind you.) Nurse didn't even ask a question. Ya.... I'm done. Maybe I don't need clarification.
Lighter
lighter:
The instrument maker is waiting on measurements and the bunk bed ladder before making a foot friendly ladder to replace it.
If I didn't say before, tails in the woods have sprouted little fairy houses all over the place..... and people leave fairies and gnomes and shells and dolls and little doll pots and utensils..... and crystals.
A neighbor has 4 little girls..... all age 6yo and younger. The oldest 3 love the fairy houses.... the 4th is maybe 9mo. They live close enough the girls can run over, which had my sister and I cleaning off the porch to make room for an old enameled farm table and chairs as workspace.
Having worked on a new fairy village with the girls and the pug informed me..... I need a better plan. Ya, the pug DID lick the snot trail off the 3yo's face, which was a relief, but baby girl pug's been eating trail poop, so completely unacceptable. I don't have enough hands or eyes to handle all that at once.
Lighter
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