Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
sKePTiKal:
Well, it's early for the temp drop but I'm sure liking it! Windows open, ac set to not turn on (and might just turn it off completely) and breaking out the layers in the mornings.
Putting some finishing touches on mini kitchen in studio. Cleaning. Collecting new furnishings/decor for powder room remodel. Delivery of new work/storage cabinets in 2 weeks. Found replacement doors for cabinets holding up my 4x8 table top. And mentally collecting crafty supplies into fun pkg for a friend's daughter, Althea.
Then, it's on to cleaning up garden beds to "try again" next year - sigh.
lighter:
Settling back home after whirlwind social events......have to recharge and limit social contact.
My girls are doing ok. Good grades and the will to make every class.....oldest DD actually managing it.
Over breakfast this morning DD22 reminded me the ,70's-80's and 90's were the golden years to be alive. We/generations before her, have left the world gasping and unlikely to recover, bc.....greed and stupidity.
She resents the weight of the world is unfairly on the younger/her generation's shoulders. When she speaks of this.... she has me out of my reminds me.....she moves through the world to the Leonard Cohen "Everybody Knows" theme song running in the background of her life....but only when she feels I need reminding.
She's grasping happiness and joy out of the same air.....but she's aware. Always.....my generation did f'around, completely unaware and it was good. Bad also, but good.
Me? Right now I'm attempting to nail down a few important habits.
Namely, how to assess facts and reality, sans judgement. Sometimes review feels judgemental, bc terrible facts are what they are. It feeeels dreadful..... shameful just to let them in for consideration. They taint everything they touch and it's complicated, IME.
But still ....to cultivate nonjudgmental awareness, sans stuttering.....for myself, my way ...... it remains a work in progress.
To be fair, it's easier and not getting everything, all at once, all the time is another project I work on. Cultivating kindness ...patience ..curiosity while extending them to myself as habit ...... I'm still practicing,even as I notice how much I've released....
picked up.....
put down....
grown.
So family meal Sunday will be Pho and sweet chili chicken lettuce wraps.
DD23 wants to bring her COVID+ bf comforting soup. I was supposed to meet him, but that's not happening. DD23 and I shared a Greek salad yesterday, so we'll both have COVID IF DD is infected..... I'll start Xylitol bise drops today, just in case.
I'm leaning into Halloween preparations....will be proactive and try to optimize that joy.
It's overcast and cool today....breezy like rain is near. The moss is happy🪺
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
If I may...
I've been accused of being responsible for the mess that (given the younger generations perspective) that they have to live with. I usually respond with the fact that I am just one person, certainly not an activist or "influencer" and I most definitely didn't have the power to make a blessed thing "so", except in my own household. And I can further elaborate, that every generation thinks that the one before them has "stuck" them with horrible problems to solve. I've worked hard all my life to be personally responsible, for the things I can control and choose to engage with.
I was speaking up about corporate greed and their treatment (or lack of concern for) the environment back in the 70s. I did my part to clean up trash dumps, etc. I'm still terribly sensitive to the ongoing litter issues I see around me, and steward my property as best I can (with assistance, now).
So.... you don't have to bear the weight of blame for that Lighter. Just keep doing you. And sooner or later, it'll dawn on her that she probably wishes more people would be like you. Even the things we don't succeed at, at least we TRIED and we cared enough to try. That's already more than a lot of people do.
Your moss wouldn't be happy, otherwise. <grin>
Twoapenny:
I think leaning in to Halloween decorations and chicken lettuce wraps is the way forward, Lighter :)
When I was young and railing at the generations before me for not sorting themselves out sooner, I didn't appreciate the different challenges that each generation faces, and what it is people have to do to achieve the basics. I grew up in a different world to my mother, my grandmother, my great grandmother. I didn't have to build a fire every day, shop for groceries daily, cook everything from scratch, make my own clothes, live without central heating, a fridge, wash in cold water at a bowl in the kitchen, no phone, no TV, walking or taking the bus rather than having access to a car, and so many other things. I've grown up in a world with free access to contraception, legal and safe termination options, the right to say no, access to my own bank account, mortgage, credit card. I've not had to accept burying my babies as a fact of life, or send my husband off to war, or raise my children alone without any government support when that war killed him. The more I've learnt about my family history, and history in general, the more I've realised the lack of emotion in the women in our family has come from having to keep dealing with so many things, from the daily tedium and lack of comfort and happiness, to the horror of war, grief and loss, with no option other than to keep going.
I think materially life got easier for many from the 70s onwards, but the generational trauma prior to that didn't magically vanish. We're all here because the way our parents dealt with trauma damaged us so badly it's affected every aspect of our lives. We've been able to deal with much of that using resources that previous generations didn't have. As a result, our kids have grown up with, at the very least, the knowledge of trauma and knowing there are ways to deal with and manage it. As well as being able to get their food delivered, go to college, always have a safe space to call home and, I think most tellingly, having a strong enough relationship with their parent that they can be critical and know they're still loved and won't be punished for it. Being angry about others mistakes is very normal but the question then is, what to do about it? The younger generation have problems to deal with, same as every generation before has done. My grandmother buried a baby and never told anyone. We found out a couple of years ago when researching family history. There's a birth record, a death record, a grave reference (that's no longer relevant as the graveyard has subsided so badly many of the graves have simply sunk deeper into the earth and can't be located individually). Our kids will never be in a situation where the only way to cope with losing a child will be to bury it and then never tell anyone. They also likely never had the freedom to roam all day like we did. Give and take, I guess xx
lighter:
Thanks for the wise words, Tupp and Amber.
I will lean into yummy food and Halloween!
Also, I'll allow DD22 to have her difficult feelings and attempt to remain outside her pain in order to be responsive. There's a pattern to these things.
You're right about generational trauma, Tupp, though you spoke about it more deeply/accurately than I have with my girls. I typically speak about my parents and haven't really 🤔 about all the generations and their challenges and traumas that came before.
I think it's revelatory to see ourselves holistically/historically and not through the judgement lense of children and young adults.
Amber, I haven't helped clean up dumps, but I care and my girls see me get dirty, do the harder things everyday. There are no magic spells I can cast to fix all the wrongs in this world.
Sometimes DD share dumps her fear/resentment and doubt, bc....
I'm her safe harbor, and.....
she's right. I didn't deal with the fears her generation carries today.
Now....back to setting up haunted garage!
Lighter
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