Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
lighter:
DD24 is a year into lovely relationship with same age bf. They're looking to live together, for a year, before moving to NY or TN in 2027 for DD to attend Optometry school. Their leases will be up soon....his in 3mo...her's in 2-3 months, depending on potential replacement roommate's lease.
I think moving them into my bedroom, here, would work well for them and DD22, who doesn't like being alone when I travel. They get along well, can be grown ups together and I can come and go. I can SEE it. It's right, I know it.
There's lots to hammer out, and DD22 has warmed to the idea....it seems. Last night we had dinner together, all of us, but I should have had another private chat with DD22 before the group discussion. DD22 had a list of humorous demands....
fed breakfast, bribed with a new musical instrument (they all three play instruments and read/write music) and be cared for when ill.....there was laughter and lots of joking.....humor, but she felt ambushed.....it wasn't optimal.
The good thing is, DD22 is very good communicator. She recognizes my reactivity, feels defeated by it at times, but has compassion and tends to get kinder, less frustrated, as we work towards more harmony.
Oh, to see both girls living as autonomous adults, while I'm tidying old business, feels like popping up above the clouds, to see everything with clarity.
Not gonna lie.....this is a bit of an emotional roller coaster. I adore my girls, and time with them...and also this funny, emotionally regulated bf, who feels like one of us. Being with them is joyful and singing and dancing and....safety. Distance will feel less safe, always has, but that's ok. Choosing safety, every time, lacks balance as they're adults now. The BF is a big guy....the pug is a good watchdog......the girls are wicked smart and resilient. So much better informed than I was, about PDs and mental health.....and they're focused on education...hobbies...work.
It feels healthy, to let them fly, as roommates. Oldest DD bloomed spectacularly while living with a roommate. In every way. My sister said she would and she did.
I want that for youngest DD, who's talking happily about finding a job. She needs to go into the world....grab it.....shake it up, IME.
Lighter
DD22 so bruised from being overlooked for years, during the legals.....so hungry for consideration and being taken into account....seen..... considered.
Yesterday I had the wind in my sails....
DD22 knocked it out, we slept on it, talked about it, briefly, this morning, and maybe we're back on track. I think. I'm pretty sure?
I'll tell you this....the musical bf loves tangerines, DD24 and his mother. I don't doubt those things. DD24, certainly, is smitten with him. It's wise they want to have a practice run at sharing space, before moving out of State together.
Time feels like it's going fast lately. Maybe the last month, just very quick in a noticable way.
Lighter
lighter:
This morning is breezy, and perfectly warm/cool in the way breeze and sunshine take turns balancing each other out. It's rare and reminds me of the beach, in winter.
My friend hurt her back and neck, so I don't have a timeline for heading to the lake today. The August bride is on Spring break with her children, so won't be giving that tour. I realize, I'm excited about it.
I sat in the sun, with pug, and looked through the book Deep Thinker Niece (DTN) sent after our last 3 hours marathon phone discussion, mostly about mental health, her life coach, my T, her 4 jobs and my acupuncture meditation moments.
The book is about positive visualization and removing unconscious internal blocks, which makes sense, AND smarts just a little, as ego stirs and reminds me....this work requires road maps and gentle reminders in unfamiliar landscapes. I don't expect miracles, but appreciate her selecting it, based on our talk, and caring enough to gift it. She's always chosen gifts with deep intention, so I'll do my best to focus and read. I know I have blocks.....it would help to expose, examine and switch them out, no doubt. Ego is conflicted.
I will say this.....internalized misogyny is generational in our entire family. My DTN believes she has the be good at everything in order to be acceptable as a female human....is fiercely independent (we know what that means) and works hard to unravel her self puzzles.
The journey continues.
Lighter
I
lighter:
So....the little millisecond, my T introduced, and we breathed into life, together....is helpful to mine while contemplating fridge contents......I, at first, identify a lack of protein or veggies then run to store
OR
breathe, take a beat and see the beautiful things in the freezer, the beautiful meals I can make, with what I have, then enjoy pulling together 12plus ingredients with an eye to several meals. This morning it was Italian sausage seared off with garlic, onions and peppers for a breakfast burrito, then Naan sandwich with homemade tzaziki and, from there, frozen chicken thighs marinated in residual plain yogurt for more meals with tzaziki for tomorrow. The yogurt's beautiful from Hopey and Co.so cheap and can't sit in fridge long.....but luxurious Scandinavian.....and there's the ADHD, again, with all it's detailed focus.
Taking a beat..... cultivating the millisecond.
About that.
I realized, this morning, how narrow my focus has been, on the millisecond's behalf.
It's available, for consideration, in times of great joy, as well as chaos and survival brain struggle.....facing the fridge, the moss, the now 10yo granddaughter (G)of my elderly neighbor, who popped up on the porch yesterday, already removing her shoes for an impromptu visit, which sent my DD22 sailing upstairs with her beautiful brunch. DD and I vlwere enjoying each other's company, then there was a sharp nailed pug scratching up G's legs......a walk in the woods, upgrading fairy houses, G's chattering about her first cycle.....her first martial arts test and belt and the dead squirrel she found in my water catchment we then prayed over and buried. There was more, but it hurts my heart to think 🤔 f it, so......her GiGi wanted her home and DD came back downstairs.
I planned to go to the lake, but lovely things kept popping up, with DD, gifted tiny Hostas finally planted in the freshly painted bunny planter and Spring yellow container,asking my heart glad. No appointments at the lake meant altering plans was just an alteration, not failure or lack of discipline or letting someone down. Not at all, but I felt it knocking on my Nervous System.
There's default settings operating at all times, whether we're aware of them or not. Yes, Hops ....the royal we. Again, lol.
There's choice in every moment, truly. Thinking in terms of....
I must consider all possibilities and choices before choosing feels tertiary and unwieldy and overwhelming.
But, cultivating that millisecond
like mindful breathing,
feels primary. Feels basic and solidly true.....grounding and grounded.
Expectations of seeing, bringing forth, conjuring all possibilities, in that split second, feels less solid, and overwhelming, IME.
If I cultivate that millisecond, always, I build a base, exist and grow from a solid platform, yup.
I'll see choice. More choice. Maybe not all choice, but the choice to consider, to possibly journal deeply on choice, gather information and touch base with the people I care about and desire to consider.....
THAT.
Just like responding to Tupp, without deeper consideration. I meant to touch base in hopes of her feeling connected and cared for.....I honestly knew better. After all these years...over 20? I know better. I see where it went wrong and how my defaults fail me.
That.
After what? Six years, with big breaks, in T with the right T for me .....it seems like little bytes of information ....one times ten of the nine bytes....falling into place, but like they're attracted to their proper place.
There's scaffolding built, in tiny pieces.
Then the base, but scaffolding begins for the next level, as the base becomes more solid.
And there's life happening and old habits and some chaos and joy and drudgery and touching base and misunderstanding and old fears and old fears exposed and recognition and acceptance and....
practice.
Practice and more practice.
I wish I was a better student.
I want to boil all that down....likely will, later.
Generally....
I wish ADHD wasn't so narrowing.....I hear 1 thing and grasp onto it......appearing to hear what's said next, but really I'm thinking about thing ONE, still. I've shared this with DD22.
It's limiting and doesn't mean I'm not listening or I don't care. It's just one of my limitations and I try to see it, sans judgement, with compassion and possible solutions.
Anyone heard of Goblin Tools...I think it is?
Figuring out what the Nervous System and unconscious operating systems are doing, feels like exploring my autonomous In Nervous System.....how my heart beats and lungs function, all on their own, but I should notice hiccups and misfires and identified patterns of operation lacking economy of motion and properly identified intention I resolve while the systems continue running.
I hope that makes sense when I read it later. If I don't get it down, I forget bits and swaths I felt are important.
Lighter
lighter:
Mindless parenting....
Not judging. Just noticing.
I'm thinking of the shift in priorities, required to dial in parenting, addressing installation of healthy software in future generations. Productive coping strategies and problem solving as default settings.
It's absent, as far as I can see....but it feels right now, with my girls.....G next door...my interior world. It feels imperative, right here, right now, woof.
Hopalong:
Hi, Lighter.
I have compassion in reserve, as you do, and the reality is that this doesn't mean it's going to come back to me. Sometimes things are just a one-way street, but that doesn't mean I won't walk it when I'm brave enough. I run from anger, from contempt and from cruelty. But I still can love. Twenty years. Yes.
Happy about your dear D and the lovely bf, but confused: you mentioned moving? How will they stay there? Is your plan to keep the present home for them, but still move on to a new place for yourself?
Exciting times in the wind. May it blow gently and warmly for you.
hugs
Hops
PS I had no idea you also have a diagnosis of ADHD! Solidarity, and admiration for your endless accomplishments. You wouldn't believe how much I've abandoned, plans wise. Like...taxes. The overwhelm of papers and oblivion really is that. So I just write poems and wait for the punishment, sometimes. Still trying but weakly.
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