Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
lighter:
I talked to a neighbor about my sprained tooth, and he said he'd had a bruised tooth before. His dentist gave him something to keep him from tapping that tooth into the lower tooth, until it calmed down, so I'm going to ask my dentist what that might be. I assume it's a little guard, though I can't think how it'd stay in place.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Lighter, I've been on my own version of a work path through that space. I don't have any good words for it yet. But what I DO have that's different, is Hol -- who is where she is, on her own path. We can mirror things back to each other. And we do have those uncomfortable moments, bumping heads moments... or where one needs, some THING, and can't say... and the other can't read accurately, what the other one needs; so waits... for clarity.
Hol and I are more on the active side of Amazon Warriors. It's just part of our nature - but we're both excruciatingly conscientious about it. Between the two of us - it's remarkably easy to wound with a gesture or off-hand, flippant remark. My working theory about all that, is that each of us have that place where we need the unconditional love and protection and external soothing because of the intensity of what we feel. Sort of the same as an inconsistent attachment style. Much of what you wrote is very very familiar to me. I just don't have the right words to talk about it like you do. And we're both working it out differently... as you are. I do think that what works is slightly different for all of us.
What you said about anger... I was able to use to with Buck when he got very angry. Validating the feeling... comforting him... until it de-escalated a bit and his brain reengaged. I had no fear of him... and he is an explosive sort of guy. I think that relaxed him, even more... and he appreciated what I was able to do in that moment. The almost silent sobs that followed, in him, were enough for me to know how long he has gone without that simple human kindness. I have 42 long years of practice with Hol.
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At this level, I think the work is less about correcting a problem and more about refining and mastering the techniques. So that a real change occurs through accepting the skill as one's new instinctive reflex. That mastery is internal and invisible to the outside world and other people... but it still uses up tons of energy. So extended periods of mental/emotional "rest" are absolutely required.
Hopalong:
Is Buck's anger PTSD-related?
Do you know what triggered it?
"An explosive kind of guy" is worrisome, Amber.
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
It's OK Hops. Not PTSD-related; he is still cognizant of what he's doing. No worse than Hol - or me, after my long fuse is expended. But he's not been exposed to women who can deal with raw anger before; that's new for him. 'Fraid it's kinda my native language. But I HAVE been focused on expanding that vocabulary a LOT MORE.
ETA: He and I have talked about that, it was one of Hol's concerns for me. And he's explained that he NEVER has and NEVER will hit a woman. That's just how he was raised and it's ingrained. Most he will do is restrain. His bent is protecting women... and he was angry because he wasn't there to protect his D, from a life event that we all go through. Even though I keep working on him about how it's counter-productive for him to be so protective as she's headed out to college. She has to learn to stand up for herself.
Hopalong:
Gotcha.
I'm sorry he has those outbursts but glad this one wasn't aimed at you.
Glad you have the stomach for raw anger. I make tracks, but am a wabbit.
Maybe he has a codependence thing going on with D?
Anyway, long as you're okay.
hugs
Hops
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