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Mindfulness and codependence thread

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lighter:
Whew boy.... that's a lot to deal with, Amber. The change of location would be too much stress for me... .. I posted on your thread already,. but will put it here too.... maybe just spend the night near the surgery center to cut down on stress? 

OK... different topic.  Update on Yelly Guy in the hood.

Cowboy chose to share his story about his breakup with Yelly Guy. Turns out YG was showing up more often, always without invitation and staying past his welcome at the Cowboy's home.  Cowgirl was never happy to come home every day to YG, I saw that with my own eyes before I gently removed myself from that dynamic.  Cowgirl was always creeped out by YG and would run inside if she was sunbathing in the backyard when YG showed up... that sort of thing.  Very obvious and she didn't care who knew.

Everything came to a head one evening when YG was closing physical distance between his face and Cowgirl's face while trying to chat her up on the porch.....and Cowgirl retreated to the upper porch with YG following her.

Cowboy is watching this and tells YG.... "Goodnight, YG. Time for you to go home."

YG ignores Cowboy, who I know was TICKED OFF by having to say something..... and Cowboy follows YG and repeats the order to leave.  YG ignores Cowboy again and asks for cake while following Cowgirl into the house.... Cowboy follows them into the house and orders YG out of his home again. YG responds "I'm just waiting on some of Cowgirl's delicious cake."   YG laughs and makes light of the situation..... Cowboy tells YG to get his cake and leave.  Cowboy is deadly serious at this point.

Cowboy follows YG out and through the garage, at which point Cowboy says.... "YG you aren't wecome back, don't come here anymore."  YG leaves, but without apology or acknowledging he'll comply.

The next day, YG shows up to Cowboy's home with 2 six packs and the desire to laugh off the night before.  Cowboy tells him to take his beer and leave as he really isn't welcome any longer... go... don't come back."

A couple days later YG mows Cowboy's yard.  Something he began doing with a small part of my property where people walk, but I don't cultivate moss. 

Cowboy thanks YG but states, again, YG is no longer welcome in his home or on any part of his property.  Leave and don't come back."

I'm paraphrasing and leaving out details and the history I've witnessed with my own eyes and ears, but that's the short version.  I will say Cowboy looked ashamed when he related YG also spoke about all women innapropriately and it was a problem from the start. I wasn't at all surprised to hear YG talks about women like that.... including all the women in our neigborhood...my children, my sister, me, my niece, cowboy's DIL and the neigborhood wives and daughters.

I told Cowboy the short version of my story and Cowboy said he knew he was diminished by his illness and smaller and weaker than YG,but he had ways to even the playing field..... I could see he felt SO dismissed and disrespected and shamed by YG's treatment.

The conversation ended when Cowboy offered to stand beside me if YG bothered me any more and I have to tell you.... little Lighter felt the warmth of validation and noticed how important and rare it is.

Lighter

Hopalong:
WOW. Go Cowboy.

Such straight, unambiguous, clear, direct and GORGEOUS boundary setting.
(You'd done similar but of course you're "just a girl." Aaaaarggghhh.)

That was so satisfying to read. I'm verrrrry glad you got that acknowledgement.
YG is not reading clues or worse, so narcissistic or SOMETHING f***ed up, he absolutely dismisses them.

I remember saying to M in my farewell note, "you can utterly ignore anything I say." If an adult human ever does that in a relationship with me again, I'm outta there.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Just my opinion, but ignoring/dimissing a direct request - especially in your own home - without some sort of external emergency, is a direct sign of illness or PD. People like that usually pursue that kind of self-sabotage until finally - totally isolated - they'll justify their bitter resentment by blaming everyone else.

Blech!! Not pleasant. Fortunately, most of the time, not important on the threat scale (my personal meaasurement sense). B is having his own issues with this stuff - being pestered by phone to do work he no longer does and doesn't have the tools to do since he brought them here already. Those people have been told over & over again NO and refuse to look elsewhere.

Hopalong:
Wow. The timing. If it's okay to veer off the usual...
I just went through a massive head-butting contest with the older man who runs the weekly discussion group I've been enjoying (ages about 70-96).

He has a massive "think piece" -- a well done one -- that he wanted to present church leadership before the new minister arrives in Aug. I helped him by editing for him and brainstormed with him through a lot of it. I also edited the section he'd stuck in about two proposals that I'd already made to the board. They are "passion projects" and he didn't grasp the details and kept muddling them together. He accepted the edits and it was a good document by the time he sent it in.

Meanwhile, during the process we exchanged a lot of emails and his demands of me increased. At one point he announced that we needed a form of instant video chat or DMs and I realized I felt stressed and smothered and did NOT want to go much further. I declined his "be on call" demands and such but remained congenial and willing to answer queries, etc. Meanwhile, he was evidently deciding, all by himself, a larger plan.

Long story short, he decided that he was not going to (or able to, he's not in great health) continue to be the LEADER of this huge long-term "vision" for the church, and the initial work (which would involve hundreds of hours) had to be completed this summer, and wrote an email to the whole group (and a few others) announcing that he was stepping down and he had "passed the baton" to me and I was "in charge."

Aaacck. I nearly fell over. He never asked me, invited me to think about, or even explored the possibility that I was not ready or willing to accept the role. I emphatically do NOT want that role, and had to trail after him tactfully explaining to the group that I was NOT in charge.

He kept writing me, repeating that I WAS in charge, like it or not. I was now "the face of the project" etc etc. I replied that I did not ask for or want the role, my time and focus is limited to two sub-projects IF others volunteered to develop them with me (low expectations, btw) but I CANNOT and don't WANT to accept the baton, be the leader for the big vision he'd set out, the face of the whole big project, etc.
Meanwhile, his wife had observed: You're putting her in this position without asking her? And he'd replied: Nah it's fine, she's ready to run with it. He actually sent me that exchange!

I told him this. (My "No.")
I gracefully told the dozen or so others this.

He repeated that I was in charge, in various ways and phrasings, again and again. He finally began to CC his wife, who'd observed to him (more than once): You are not hearing her. She said she doesn't want the role. It sounds like a command. Etc.

He would say, oh my wife must be right, and then go on and say it again. It was astonishing. I finally decided that he literally couldn't hear me, and (tactfully) resigned from the group and explained in an email to him (and wife) that I wished him the very best but felt that this just wasn't going to work. I needed to create space and though I think what he does with the elders group is very wonderful and valuable, I'm going to withdraw from involvement (other than my 2 little proposals).

His reply was a whole nasty critique about how I wouldn't do what he asked (basically) and "wasn't forthcoming" and didn't "kick into gear and send him XXX" and all sorts of complaints. Then he speculated about how I don't like to work with men (???? I've loved working with many men! I just don't like domineering ones!). He compared me to Kamala Harris and kept talking about how the church is "run by women" and wound up with something about the plight of "straight white men."

Finally I wrote, "I said, NO thank you." And after about six back and forths (bless his long-suffering wife) it finally penetrated his mind that I was making a choice. He was very diappointed. He didn't seem CAPABLE of grasping that I could choose not to do what he wanted me to do.

I withdrew gently from the discussion group (no mention of him) and he wrote back thanks. Then he wrote me again proposing that we had the seeds of a wonderful friendship and could continue to "collaborate" in future, and "may it be so."

Oy, vey. I felt like running a mile down the interstate with my hair on fire. But that passed. Now I just feel relief. It really was an astounding struggle. Whewwwww.

hugs,
Hops

Hopalong:
PS Something I loved doing that I gave a couple hours to yesterday was recording a video of me explaining and then reading my favorite Wendell Berry poem. It was a response to being asked by the service leader to contribute to a service made up of members' responses to: "In recent difficult times, what poetry or reading or piece of inspiration has lifted you up and helped you carry on?"

They're going to stitch together some videos and some live readings. Should be a neat service.

Anyway, doing that went straight to my heart and I'm really happy with what I said and how I read. It felt VERY good. The right fit, the thing that inspires me, and something I can give which leaves me afterward feeling grateful and full.

Fuggedabout leading or church politics. I is a poet, and that's what I have to give.

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