Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
lighter:
Hops:
If you could go back and start over.... what would yu change about the situation with the mean bully church guy?
Did you miss red flags? Were there flags you made excuses for?
Did you give this fellow the benefit of the doubt too many times?
I love the poetry passion project you're sharing with others. I love how much joy it brings you, lovely poet!
Amber: It makes no sense that people would continue insisting B do work for them when A. The tools are out of the State now and B. B is heading into surgery... what's wrong with people?
Is B staying in contact for some reason with these people?
Hopalong:
Thanks for asking me these, Lighter -- you help me think, and honestly.
If you could go back and start over.... what would yu change about the situation with the mean bully church guy?
--I'd be wary that my eagerness to participate and make new friends could lead me into prematurely trusting someone.
--I wouldn't call him a bully. Just a totally fixated-on-his-project person who in a pretty amazing way, literally couldn't (wouldn't? dunno) hear me when I said: NO.
Did you miss red flags? Were there flags you made excuses for?
--Mainly the classic one: he was charming, very warm, and charismatic. He made me feel soooo welcome. (By "classic" I mean N-behavior, a kind of love-bombing, but I dunno if narcissism is the right explanation for his thing. It's just a way of being approached that I should always be wary about with anyone, M or F.)
Did you give this fellow the benefit of the doubt too many times?
--I'm not sure. Lots of factors may have left me off guard, including his age/health and his couple years of service with that group, of which I was a pretty new member. I gave him respect because he led it well and the people were so lovely.
When it REALLY woke me up, and that was sudden but also extremely clear...was when he demanded that I arrange a tech-way of being on call to him all the time. It began to dawn on me that this man was SO focused on his own grand project that he was treating me like an underling...and this isn't customary in cooperative community VOLUNTEER stuff. I wasn't his employee or assistant!
Then it sank all the way in, when he literally ignored my NO. Multiple times.
Hopefully I'll speed up my reaction time when I face a similar situation, but I can say I feel pretty good about having said NO several times this year, to people or situations that assumed too much (without asking) or pushed me too hard.
Turns out a faith (in my case, agnostic) community is like any other -- strong personalities rise, ego issues muddle things, and Ns do like the spotlight. All that said, it's still the best community I've got, and good things happen there too. Very good things. A lot of members are doing things in the city/county that are very admirable, in my book: environment, racial justice, women's rights, voting stuff, etc. So I am still glad it's my people-home.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
I'm glad you have that community and fellowship, Hops.
I have to admit.... I have a secret small hope that someday, when faced with an ignored NO again, you'll have the magic ability to use the words....
"fok off" without hesitation or change in biochemsitry.... just say it be done and off to what comes next without another thought. Maybe even say them with a whistful chuckle.... just NO emotional reactivity AT ALL.
Maybe, bc you're poet Hops, those words won't be that, exactly, but something more flowery, but send the message you won't be igored. You're an imovable force, with agency and the ability to wield it without hesitation.
I think poeple take a mile if one sends the message we're good with giving inches, Hops. THAT can be addressed. It's better to resist judging, so good on you for resisting the word "bully"..... I'll resist too.
If we hold that first inch of a boundary.... we likely don';t have to worry about the mile, me'thinks. Then, perhaps, the word bully won't even ross our minds.... much; )
::nodding::
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Oh my goodness. Hops you did good. Yeah sometimes it takes a bit before any of us realize what is going on. You don't have to be laser focused on that. Just be YOU. And when it's uncomfortable - just say NO and mean it. And then take Lighter's advice, and don't mull over it at all. YOU decided. YOU said - in whatever way makes sense to you - you aren't going to deal with this crap any more, and you can't be moved from your decision. DOESN'T MATTER what they feel, no matter how you said it.
NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
Do what you want under the conditions you'll accept. You've already EARNED and DESERVE that, HOPS.
Heh-heh, I said so. ;)
sKePTiKal:
There mighta been some cognac in my coffee tonight. :D
I'm celebrating. He's pain-free right now.
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