Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
lighter:
Hops:
If ignoring Yelly Guy isn't working... what do you suggest?
Lighter
Hopalong:
Hmmm. Depends what "ignoring" looks like. No idea if any of this works, but just to imagine scenarios:
He walks onto your property. You snap a pic of his trespass on your phone, turn your back and go indoors.
He spots you outside or at a neighbor's (if he's still allowed at other neighbors' gatherings). He walks near to start up some fake conversation under cover of acting friendly at a social event. You instantly turn your back and walk away from him in perfect calm, regardless of "what they might think."
He sees you anyplace and speaks or calls out: "Lighter, hey! Hey hey! HEY! LIGHTER!" -- you do not acknowledge but instantly turn away, in another direction, etc. In perfect calm.
He pesters you for reaction in some way you can't find a way out of. You take your phone and call Cowboy. (Maybe that should be up higher on the menu.)
I have no idea if any of these are realistic (situation or response fantasy). If he escalated in any way, I'd visit the police, make a report. Not demanding police action but simply creating a record. So if a more serious breach of NC takes place and you need to call them, it's in the system already that he's causing trouble.
If you feel it's serious and escalating anew, you could also ask Cowboy if he'd make a report about the time he had to order YG out of his home MULTIPLE times before he would leave and how much resistance YG put up.
Aaargggh. Hope we're just musing about hypotheticals...and in reality he's pretty neutralized by now? Hope hope.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
Hops:
I'm not worrying about what I'll say to Yelly Guy or how I'll enforce boundaries once stated with clear, unambiguous language.
I jjust know he's going to stay out of my yard and retired nurse neighbor can let him on her property on HER side of our shared property line. It's her property, after all.
It will be uncomfortable for everyone, including YG IF he ignores my stated boundary and i don't have a problem telling everyone I know if he can't be approrpriate. Doesn't matter if he's suffering from some mental issues. Not my circus, not my clowns, as they say.
I hope you're having a lovely holiday, Hops.
Lighter
lighter:
I haven't been worrying about settinng boundaries with Yelly Guy and that's a good thing, bc yesterday it happened organically and without any reactivity. I'd just spoken with the Cowboy and he decided he'd bring his zero turn mower back to the house and I'd borrow it to do that bit of mowing Yelly Guy used to do. Right now Cowboy trades smoked meats with his other next door neighbor for lawn mowing services.
I chatted with the Nurse for a minute on my way to talk to Cowboy.... she had this look in her eye...... just.... she doesn't get it and I decided not to talk to her about Yelly Guy again.... at least not till she brings it up, which is likely very soon for reasons I'll explain.
Working in the drainage ditch pulling weeds and lobbing them into the piles of leaves and branches on both the Nurse's side of the ditch and mine, I worked for about an hour to clear the ditch properly. It was very hot, but not buggy and I enjoy the work... weed pulling meditation. The moss and ferns growing on the bank is increasing.... I enjoy watching that happen.
If Yelly Guy weed wacks the weeds into the ditch, they turn melt into messy and smelly decaying muck and then it takes hours to clear AND I end up covered in muck with my boots full of the stuff. Not good, so when the Yelly Guy whisteled up on me, like Sheriff Andy Taylor, all southern charm and ease I didn't think about my response....
I just grunted and gave him a short glare he couldn't possibly mistake for a come'hither look.... just..... I'm done having him mistake politeness for an invitation for him to make unwanted advances. Done. SO done. I can't believe I'm writing this, but..... I have no plans to ever be polite to Yelly Guy again. That might come to pass... will see. I still like his wife and might muster it up IF she's standing there, but maybe not. I'm trying to decide how much self sacrifice I'll make for the comfort of others and why I do that.
YG went on to say "Well, I'm glad I won't have to bring my weedeater over tomorrow."
I said "No. No, you won't have to bring your weedeater tomorrow or any other day, bc I have this handled,. just like I have the mowing handled. Thank you for your hard work, but you won't be mowing my weeds any longer."
Yelly Guy whined "Well, I do it for everyone."
I ignored him, told him to say hello to his wife, then went back to my weeds. I don't know where Yelly Guy went.... i didn't look up from my work.
Yelly Guy WILL "tell on me" to the nurse, and she might feel some way about it. She might want to talk about it. We can do that.
I need to drive the mower I borrow over her property...just a smidge... to get to the other side of the drainage ditch.... I think. maybe not. Will have to look at it with the Cowboy. I do't expect the nurse to have a problem with it and if she does, I can come round my house and access under the power lines another way. It would mean the nurse has chosen to go to war to defend Yelly Guy's honor.... that wold be a huge PITA.
That's my update and my sister texted "don't back yellly guy into a corner."
She's concerned YG will lose his mind and go nuts...which is a possibiliity, but I'm done living small and fearful to avoid being harmed or attacked by large, or small, men who don't like hearing the word NO.
Right now Yelly Guy still has reason to BE ON or arouond our street, bc of nurse. Once that's settled, and it will be very soon, anytime anyone sees Yelly Guy will be reason for concern and perhaps to call the police. Won't know till I hear from nurse.... depending on how crazy Yelly Guy's story is, I'll know. I wonder if I need to clearly state the conequencs for boundary stomping TO Yelly Guy. I mean, I expect him to overstep the boundary..... I guess I could have stated the consequences yesterday when stating the boundary, but
1. I do figure YG has to be a wounded child and I don't want to harm or provioke him and....
2. I SHOULD be able to state a simple boundary and just have it BE a boundary that's honored..... and......
3. It feels wrong to threaten to call the police on someone who's performing a "favor" without asking anything in retun besides pressing into the space of people the good deed doer is attempting to have unwanted contact with/sex/whatever against their express wishes, kwim?
Evereyone on the street is used to Yelly Guy mowing that grass and walking through this cul de sac to access the forest on a daily basis. That changes IF Cowboy, who's deeply distressed and maybe ashamed of the story, and I TELL the neighbors what Yelly Guy is about and that's bad ju ju, it's a very negative conversation, it's news no one wants to be true or deal with, IME. People often shoot the messenges when hearing that kind of information, is what I'm trying to say...... and I have to tell you.... I ONLY care what 3 of my 7 neighbors think. As long as I have those 3 people on board...and I think I'd have 4 of them on board, then all is well on Lighter's cul de sac.
I was thinking... if Yelly Guy appears to just fade away..... it's not an indication all is well. I'm not going to worry about it. I have a lock on my crawl space. The house is locked up. The only person with a key absolutely hates Yelly Guy.... I'm putting in some cameras, just to what I can see.... there's electricity in the shed, so a camera there will show me everyone passing or coming onto my property. Will be good.
So, I'm thinking the neighbors need to know it's not OK for Yelly Guy to come'round any more. If the nurse would ask YG to stop using her then there's ZERO reason for YG to be ON our street. Not that he can't access my yard and home through the forest, bc he can. it's just that his presence, from this moment forward, won't mean anything positive. It will be a boundary transgression at best and heinous fockery at worst. Once the camera is up on the shed, I'll know if Yelly Guy is accessing my property.... feels pretty well buttoned up.
I'm learning to wait for the other show to fall with grace and restraint. I will cross that bridge when I get to it and not worry about it until.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Video's a great idea, Lighter! Let the machine be vigilant so you don't have to.
Many times when one person tries to convince a second person that a third person is toxic or unsafe and therefore person #2 needs to stop seeing them or change their opinion...the part in italics backfires.
IMO it is healthy to simply tell your own story to her if you believe it'd be helpful. I'm wondering, though, because you mentioned a back-off glint in her eye when you speak of YG, and maybe he's manipulating a lonesome retired woman or whatever...but those things can get stuck in deeper if someone feels pressured. He might moan (or lie) to her and the attention from him fills a need in her?
But simply telling the gist of your own story if you choose to? Free bird, you. It's a big "release the outcome" opportunity.
Asking the universe for what you want: Telling the nurse what's happened with YG AND wanting her to believe/accept/make changes.
Releasing the outcome: Telling her the YG tale but expecting nothing from her in response. (She might do differently, or might not.)
I'm sure you know all that. I've just been pondering "release the outcome" more than usual these days. It really helps me to remember it, esp. when something is scaring or angering me.
All good vibes for whatever you decide to try to contribute to your peace. I'd have been triggered by him trying AGAIN to edge into your head/property space...or weed-whack his way back in. Phew, this guy is so unaware he should get a medal for it. A rusty upside-down medal.
hugs
Hops
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