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Mindfulness and codependence thread
lighter:
Today youngest dd missed school. She's so sleepy.
I made the choice to relax into it, not worry about another day missed and just go about my day.
Later dd got up, made herself a healthy chicken and spinach sautee, put on music and we danced and sang while cleaning the kitchen..... I had a breakfast salad. It felt right. We put away dishes together while contemplating something sweet.... I pulled out the Scharr GF puff pastry and we were off. It would be little cinnamon rolls. DD toasted pecans and put together a butter, cinnamon sugar/salt paste. There's ONE bun left, and it's mine, btw. Chewy with crunchy caramelized bottoms. Amazing, but the singing and dancing and laughter and talking about life and boys and stuff.... about how people SEE us and how we see them.... that's something I'll remember long after this day of missed school is forgotten.
I can't tell you how good it was to just let that worry go. I felt it as I did it. The shift into gratitude and joy.... a choice.
Lighter
lighter:
It's interesting to notice when I'm going from one distraction to another and missing the moments between thoughts. Sometimes I smile and nod to myself... THAT's the thoughts and living in the future RIGHT THERE... and I pull it back to what's around me... think about my breathing.... the shapes and colores around me.
Things feel less disjointed as I SEE the different pieces, become more familiar with them... internalize the process of noticing as habit and BEING.
I was pretty tense around planning and packing for boat trip to island coming up.
And then I put it down. It's going to be what it is... worry worry worry or no worrying.
It's better to be right HERE, right now. There's pleasure and flow in doing what's in front of me, without worrying about what comes next, kwim?
That's where the joy is.
Right...
in....
THIS moment.
::breathing deeply::
Yup yup yup: )
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on February 07, 2020, 01:12:46 PM ---It's interesting to notice when I'm going from one distraction to another and missing the moments between thoughts. Sometimes I smile and nod to myself... THAT's the thoughts and living in the future RIGHT THERE... and I pull it back to what's around me... think about my breathing.... the shapes and colores around me.
Things feel less disjointed as I SEE the different pieces, become more familiar with them... internalize the process of noticing as habit and BEING.
I was pretty tense around planning and packing for boat trip to island coming up.
And then I put it down. It's going to be what it is... worry worry worry or no worrying.
It's better to be right HERE, right now. There's pleasure and flow in doing what's in front of me, without worrying about what comes next, kwim?
That's where the joy is.
Right...
in....
THIS moment.
::breathing deeply::
Yup yup yup: )
Lighter
--- End quote ---
That sounds really lovely, Lighter - just to be able to get on with it. What I've often wondered with me (and I wonder if it's the same for you) is that I get tense whenever I have to organise or arrange anything (even just making packed lunches because we're going out, and making sure we catch the bus), and I wonder if it's because of all the times the prep was for a court hearing or a meeting that was scheduled, or paperwork that needed to be collated and sent off, or that worry of 'not doing something right' and it being used against you in some way. It makes sense to me now that the deeper parts of your brain would associate any kind of planning with the scary planning that's gone before. I'm really happy to read that it's getting easier to notice it and put it down again. Will be so lovely to get to a point where it just doesn't happen :) How long until the boat trip now? xx
lighter:
Tupp:
I think partly it was the prep for court, but also just the hyper-vigilant state of BEING. We had to live with every consequence, which was out of our control, so we became hyper-focused on everything we could control.
T and I talked about food stuff at last appt. It was't about what I thought it would be about, I'll say that. More about control and feeling unworthy balled up together.
While packing yesterday I notice that old familiar sense of urgency creep in. I noticed it, banished it or didn't and went on. Banishing is better. Much better. This moring has been pure joy in motion... just focused solely on ONE thing at a time, in the present... so nice.
I hope the new pathways, old business filed away in historic files (no longer creating the reactivity that USED to pop up in those areas) and being aware... able to choose something else (most of the time, not ALL the time) is working itself into a new way of BEING in the world. Of SEEING and FEELING and, more than anything, of cutting out the chatter maybe.....
like I'm a firewall maybe? At some point, maybe the firewall will simply be that open amazing field my T keeps referring to..... SO MUCH SPACE.... and there won't be much chatter or judgment to deal with at all. And I'll BE that open spacious grassy field with a view of all the trees and pebbles and flowers without effort.
Maybe there will be automatic acceptance and curiosity about EVERYTHING..... maybe?
Last night I was tired and about to sleep when I felt a little weird... not bad or good, just weird. I thought.... Is this what my Dad had? A little brain bleed and will it kill me or leave me recovering from a stroke? It's hereditary.
The interesting part of that, from my perspective, is I wasn't worried or frightened or upset or wishing I'd done A, B and C that day.... I was just at peace with it and curious what would come next. Truly. Curious. No stomach flip at the thought. It was acceptance.... as default. I guess. It felt so much better than what I think of as my "normal" response.
BTW, I think my brain was adjusting to 12-hour fasts AND small amounts of nutrition-dense foods....salads and bone broths with lots of water(sprinkled with a little pink salt) taken with anti-inflammatories.
I've also been stretching ANYTIME I stand up and feel a bit stiff. I refuse to walk funny ONE MORE STEP. I don't care where I am or who sees.... I STRETCH and that takes care of the stiffness.
My left hip started creeking earlier this week... meaning I noticed some hinkiness with lifting left knee, which was a problem this time last year. The stretches I got from the book PAIN FREE fixed it, more precisely so that's a no brainer.... DO THAT.
I gave a copy of the book to my neighbor whose overcoming catastrophic illness, and I'm curious to see how he feels about it and if he tries it. I'm not sure if he can read well or at all... he lost his good eye during the illness, had a stroke, lost a lot of skin and some ligaments.... other things, but he's a warrior and mostly engaged in Western medicine to gut his way back... had his colostomy reversed, but expressing huge interest in "alternative" ideas at this point, for the first time. He's "awake" now.
The book PAIN FREE by Pete Egoscue is a big deal with alternative med practitioners... .there's a clinic near my very active friend who suffers from cartilage loss (major loss) in his shoulders mostly, but knees too and he still... he plays high-level tennis, bikes 60 miles a week average, swims, works out with weights used to compete in Jujitsu... triathlons, monitors his sleep with his fit bit, etc. He's been going to his ortho guy, getting death shots, discussing surgery while I've been saying GO TO THE EGOSCUE CLINIC and just see what they have to say! You're lucky to live a half-hour away from them, GO! They'll align all the joints in your body and you can start building the cartilege back! But noooo... he wouldn't do it until his orthopedic surgeon told him to, lol.
Last week his ortho guy told him to try Egoscue.
The active friend called to say he made that appt. They asked him some interesting questions....
"Did he have a fear of snakes?" I thought that was very interesting, yes yes yes.
He went on..
"How did he feel about shrunken heads?"
Well that tells you how friend really feels about it. He's joking now, but honestly... I think he's desperate and Western meds done all it can without making jello of the joints, which happens sometimes before folks get to Egoscue.
I have no feelings about it either way and I have to say... last year this time I would have felt resentment and frustration over his refusal to make that appointment a year ealier. Now... 3 years after i began suggesting it.... he goes bc his Ortho told him to. That he's done more damage and not begun treating the cause and building back those joints.....
feels.....
almost neutral for me. There was a small shot of heat through my stomach, but I think it was almost my expectation I'd feel something negative.
I don't.
This is huge progress, IMO. I used to worry about his joints, and fret and neeeed him to make that appointment. That's changed.
I'm limiting my radio/tv severely. I notice I go to turn them on without thinking about it. NOT turning them on refocuses me and helps dial in what's going on inside. Things pop up. I breathe mindfully often throughout the day, which IME is a game-changer.
The boat trip will be sometime in the next 5 days... depending on weather. I'm not keen on loading the boat down then taking off in high seas, nope nope nope. I'll get wet no matter what's going on, but want things to be relatively calm and sunny. Brother said 20 foot waves are 40 feet tall. DID I post that already? That's super interesting to me. I have a fascination with the ocean, some fear and lots of wonder. My hope is to learn how to drive the boat, handle it in any conditions and make the trip myself. I think I'll know pretty quickly if it's my thing or not. WOO HOO! Deep sea fishing again soon! Not much, and only Queen Trigger fish.... so much fun. Better than lobster, SO GOOD.
The journey continues.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on February 08, 2020, 12:15:10 PM ---Tupp:
I think partly it was the prep for court, but also just the hyper-vigilant state of BEING. We had to live with every consequence, which was out of our control, so we became hyper-focused on everything we could control.
Yes, I can identify with that, Lighter. I think also, with parenting (from the perspective of your parenting being questioned), anything you do can be portrayed as a negative, depending on the perspective of someone else. Take your daughter's recent sleepy day off. Some would say that's good parenting - you're encouraging healthcare, appreciating the need to rest, allowing her to make her own choices (thereby encouraging independence in adulthood). And so on. Whereas some would argue she should have been forced in - a day off encourages laziness, a lack of responsibility, an attitude of not bothering, and so on. And I think, when you know that anything you do can be used against you, if someone else wants to make it a negative, that hypervigilent state sees you covering all possible bases and it's exhausting. Yes, I'm nodding!
T and I talked about food stuff at last appt. It was't about what I thought it would be about, I'll say that. More about control and feeling unworthy balled up together.
Yes, that makes sense to me, too. If I cook from scratch, I'm a good mum. If I stick a pizza in the ove, I'm lazy and don't care about his health. That's how I feel about myself so I can understand that it's about control and needing to be worthy. Yes.
While packing yesterday I notice that old familiar sense of urgency creep in. I noticed it, banished it or didn't and went on. Banishing is better. Much better. This moring has been pure joy in motion... just focused solely on ONE thing at a time, in the present... so nice.
Yes, it almost feels like if you acknowledge it's there, it won't keep banging on the window asking to be let in?
I hope the new pathways, old business filed away in historic files (no longer creating the reactivity that USED to pop up in those areas) and being aware... able to choose something else (most of the time, not ALL the time) is working itself into a new way of BEING in the world. Of SEEING and FEELING and, more than anything, of cutting out the chatter maybe.....
like I'm a firewall maybe? At some point, maybe the firewall will simply be that open amazing field my T keeps referring to..... SO MUCH SPACE.... and there won't be much chatter or judgment to deal with at all. And I'll BE that open spacious grassy field with a view of all the trees and pebbles and flowers without effort.
Maybe there will be automatic acceptance and curiosity about EVERYTHING..... maybe?
Imagine being in that state almost all of the time, Lighter - so freeing and easy? Oh, that's what's happening, is it? How interesting! And then just getting on with what you're doing. Sounds almost yogi like? How nice :)
Last night I was tired and about to sleep when I felt a little weird... not bad or good, just weird. I thought.... Is this what my Dad had? A little brain bleed and will it kill me or leave me recovering from a stroke? It's hereditary.
The interesting part of that, from my perspective, is I wasn't worried or frightened or upset or wishing I'd done A, B and C that day.... I was just at peace with it and curious what would come next. Truly. Curious. No stomach flip at the thought. It was acceptance.... as default. I guess. It felt so much better than what I think of as my "normal" response.
That is interesting, Lighter, although I'm glad it wasn't a stroke! But yes, nicer to have a calm reaction than an immediately panicked one.
BTW, I think my brain was adjusting to 12-hour fasts AND small amounts of nutrition-dense foods....salads and bone broths with lots of water(sprinkled with a little pink salt) taken with anti-inflammatories.
Yes, makes sense that might be shifting things around a little.
I've also been stretching ANYTIME I stand up and feel a bit stiff. I refuse to walk funny ONE MORE STEP. I don't care where I am or who sees.... I STRETCH and that takes care of the stiffness.
I've been doing the same! How funny! Stretching at the bus stop, stretching on the bus, at the cinema, in the queue at the shop. We were in a shop during the week and son told me to stop dancing - I was bopping around to the music in the shop and hadn't noticed. When we went to the arcade yesterday son was in once of those racing games, the one where you sit inside a car and race? I sat in the passenger seat and read my book - wasn't thinking about what other people would think if they saw me. Taking care of self - it's a new one, isn't it??!
My left hip started creeking earlier this week... meaning I noticed some hinkiness with lifting left knee, which was a problem this time last year. The stretches I got from the book PAIN FREE fixed it, more precisely so that's a no brainer.... DO THAT.
I gave a copy of the book to my neighbor whose overcoming catastrophic illness, and I'm curious to see how he feels about it and if he tries it. I'm not sure if he can read well or at all... he lost his good eye during the illness, had a stroke, lost a lot of skin and some ligaments.... other things, but he's a warrior and mostly engaged in Western medicine to gut his way back... had his colostomy reversed, but expressing huge interest in "alternative" ideas at this point, for the first time. He's "awake" now.
The book PAIN FREE by Pete Egoscue is a big deal with alternative med practitioners... .there's a clinic near my very active friend who suffers from cartilage loss (major loss) in his shoulders mostly, but knees too and he still... he plays high-level tennis, bikes 60 miles a week average, swims, works out with weights used to compete in Jujitsu... triathlons, monitors his sleep with his fit bit, etc. He's been going to his ortho guy, getting death shots, discussing surgery while I've been saying GO TO THE EGOSCUE CLINIC and just see what they have to say! You're lucky to live a half-hour away from them, GO! They'll align all the joints in your body and you can start building the cartilege back! But noooo... he wouldn't do it until his orthopedic surgeon told him to, lol.
Last week his ortho guy told him to try Egoscue.
The active friend called to say he made that appt. They asked him some interesting questions....
"Did he have a fear of snakes?" I thought that was very interesting, yes yes yes.
He went on..
"How did he feel about shrunken heads?"
Well that tells you how friend really feels about it. He's joking now, but honestly... I think he's desperate and Western meds done all it can without making jello of the joints, which happens sometimes before folks get to Egoscue.
I have no feelings about it either way and I have to say... last year this time I would have felt resentment and frustration over his refusal to make that appointment a year ealier. Now... 3 years after i began suggesting it.... he goes bc his Ortho told him to. That he's done more damage and not begun treating the cause and building back those joints.....
feels.....
almost neutral for me. There was a small shot of heat through my stomach, but I think it was almost my expectation I'd feel something negative.
I don't.
This is huge progress, IMO. I used to worry about his joints, and fret and neeeed him to make that appointment. That's changed.
This is ringing so many bells with m, Lighter, I have always felt so obliged to share anything that might help with anyone that might benefit from it and then feel dejected if they don't rush off to do it or if it doesn't work for them. And I just haven't been this time. I know loads of people who might well benefit from this EMDR - but I'm finding I'm thinking, they know I'm doing it, I'm talking about all the ways it's helping me. If that pings a recognition in them that it might help them and they want to ask me about it, then I'm happy to talk. But I feel like I want to save my energy for me now, and people who want to take it further themselves, rather than trying to rescue everyone around me. We're putting on our own life jackets before fastening other people's now, maybe?
I'm limiting my radio/tv severely. I notice I go to turn them on without thinking about it. NOT turning them on refocuses me and helps dial in what's going on inside. Things pop up. I breathe mindfully often throughout the day, which IME is a game-changer.
I haven't been doing that but I might give it a go now you've mentioned it!
The boat trip will be sometime in the next 5 days... depending on weather. I'm not keen on loading the boat down then taking off in high seas, nope nope nope. I'll get wet no matter what's going on, but want things to be relatively calm and sunny. Brother said 20 foot waves are 40 feet tall. DID I post that already? That's super interesting to me. I have a fascination with the ocean, some fear and lots of wonder. My hope is to learn how to drive the boat, handle it in any conditions and make the trip myself. I think I'll know pretty quickly if it's my thing or not. WOO HOO! Deep sea fishing again soon! Not much, and only Queen Trigger fish.... so much fun. Better than lobster, SO GOOD.
That, for me, is bravery in its highest form! The thought of a forty foot wave has me getting as far away from any pool of water that may be anywhere near me :) Lol, I will be glad for you to make the journey on calm seas, Lighter, with some fishing and beautiful sunsets to enjoy, no storms to cope with! Do you ever get seasick?
The journey continues.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
I am really glad all of this is unfolding for you, Lighter. I shall keep a picture in my mind of you on a boat, with the sun on your back and a clear and calm ocean in front of you :) It's a good metaphor for life, I think :) xx
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