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Mindfulness and codependence thread

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lighter:
Had a really good time with the new boy and it turns out he Flamenco dances AND has bartended with his Chef Horst's thumb, as well.

It's overcast, thank goodness.

Sister arriving today.  SO much to get done! 

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
AH.........  flamenco!

lighter:
Last night was the Malanga ? Tango event youngest DD and her wonderful chum attended.  Her chum absolutely adores the classes and says they altered her life for the better.  I think she gets up at 6am to practice every morning then goes to work at 10..... it's lovely to see joy in her eyes.  DD is happy but with Tango, but her life hasn't been altered by it.

Both girls have agreed they'll continue to go out together, sans dates, and keep their lives uncluttered in certain spaces.... which is really smart, IME.  DD's chef would be very posessive if she puts a foot wrong and allows it. 

I would have dropped into the Tango room, but was exhausted by my friend's Estate Sale, which left me really really sore and it wasn't till I woke up I understood why...... I was surrounded by people and that's an extrovert's nightmare..... there were stairs I went up and down and up and down for 5 hours..... I helped carry and fetch things and I mean I carried up them down a grassy slope, hot cooken hot hot street and steep driveway, as did my sister and friend..... as it's said in my family.... our tits were tired.  We're feeling much better after a good rest and readying to go into Estate Sale battle a final morning....... we sold SO MUCH STUFF...... and cleared space for an entire nuther garage full of stuff the friend went through last night.  He's feeling lighter and less anxious about letting things from former lives go.

So is his dd, who at one point cornered me in her bedroom and said, though clenched teeth.... "This is not what I bargained for and is the biggest mistake of my life and I will never forgive you or your sister for this."  Just after that, a lady with a teacup chee wow wah let her hold that little cow spotted dog and all was forgiven BUT when she went to fist bump my sister in celebration, sister recoiled thinking she was about to be punched...... it was cuter than one might imagine, but I guess that's the way these large life events go.

At the end of the day, friend and his DD were laughing and enjoying all the things carried off by joyful new owners....like they were "being paid for people to carry away things for them".......  friend started giving things away..... there was a bit of dancing and looking forward to refilling the tables and shelves with other things, thought the 8 foot carved wood Indian was put back in the DNS pile..... I had him sold for 1,200.00 if they could just do the MONKEY LET GO, long enough. Maybe today.

And that's the way of things, isn't it?  I'm left to contemplate how much simpler my life would be if I wasn't urging friend and dd to give up old things no longer serving them..... which reminds me of urging my father not to have the brain surgery.  I KNOW I should keep my yap shut and release the outcome, but it's hard.... so so hard, Hops, to do that.  Co dependence is a sliding scale and I'm noticing it more often before choosing, one way or the other.  The friend's DD and I had a minute chat about it when she was in fight or flight..... she worries about every little thing and how here father might respond to one of the 2 millions things in the house leaving without his permission.... it robs her of joy and creates SO MUCH DISTRESS for her.  She said it's "compassion" and I said it is IF one remains level and outside fight or flight, able to respond and be responsive.  Once fight or flight sets in.... it's co dependence IF it's the rule.  She didn't agree and i didn't need her to.  We're getting along very well and I'm trying to break the habit of NEEEDING young people to understand lessons, like I might not be here tomorrow.  So many habits to notice, consider, keep or change, yup yup yup.

As for me, boundaries and my attempt to release co dependent behaviors.... my last day helping friend with this move IS TODAY and then he'll deal with what's left with the moving company..... it won't hurt him physically, but he might have to rent another 200.00 a month storage unit and it won't be on the very cool first floor.  It will be on the second floor where AC doesn't relieve the heat and he'll be figuring out how to stack and arrange it all for himself.  Whew.... releasing that outcome feels  UH MAY ZING!

In the meantime, I'm feeling better and up to the day....... we put out bright pink neon signs.... large ones and advertised in 2 places... I updated everythng last night with new pics and the neighbors know to fend drivers off their grass proactively....... this too shall pass.

Then we'll be off to the Lake to get stuff done.  Not sure where the electrician is..... trying to meet him there this weekend.  I think I'm pulling the trigger on the Cottage sale this weekend....... getting paperwork started....... and the truth is...... I'm entering my own MONKEY LET GO phase

Lighter


Hopalong:
I hear ya, Lighter. I think it's a real problem with real triggers and have gone down that emotional rabbit hole a bunch of times in my life. Franticness over Gennulman's crises before his death, attempts to rescue or alert others to someone else's desperation. Not so much any more, but if it hadn't caused bad levels of stress in my own life that were affecting my health...

I read here or in some article recently: "Help is the sunny side of control." That hit me in the head like a wet fish. It rang so true. I didn't take it to mean "don't help people." But I did recognize that I was trying to control outcomes for others in ways I didn't have the strength or resources to do. I couldn't handle the cruelty or misguidedness of whatever was happening to them. (I even beat myself up for a long time over the wee pregnant, pissing foster pooch, who as far as I heard is being doted on and living a wonderful life elsewhere.)

I think it came from overwhelmingly identifying with and being triggered by others' pain or particularly abandonments. Were I in better control of my innards, perhaps I could have enough detachment to do many things that I don't as of now feel strong enough to take on. Or maybe I've grown selfish. When I was younger I couldn't rescue myself, so maybe it's an unconscious desire to heal my own wounds by protecting or rescuing others. We all know someone who is vulnerable or making poor decisions, etc. Compassionate detachment is the ideal, and I suck at it.

What I hear most when you write about your own rescues or involvements or enmeshments with others' personal situations, from contractors' health to neighbors' unawareness to ... fill in the blank ... is anxiety and intensity. Sometimes very elevated, as though you are unable to detach while helping, or take on a sense of responsibility that might go beyond healthy boundaries. I'm not judging it, I promise, having done SO much of that myself. Even here sometimes.

Part of it, for me, is wanting to matter to somebody, since I have no family. Part of it is being a loving kind person who yearns to relieve suffering. Part of it is loneliness. Who cares about an anxious older woman figuring out how to cope and how to let go, on her own? I stick my nose out and narrate my head off. At times it feels good and right and like healthy connection. Sometimes it doesn't.

Anyway, rambling. I think the key when one struggles with CoD is anxiety. That's where to work, rather than solving new not-our-problem stuff, unless asked for help. And when one is asked for advice or help...to go carefully within boundaries. Maybe since you see CoD as an issue for yourself, you could ask yourself: In this situation, what are the large-scale solutions I can picture for this person's problem? Now, can I experiment with offering them half of what I could visualize? No more?

Dunno if that's helpful. I just understand CoD feelings that can become grooved in, and how they are harmful. Hang in there, you'll find your balance because you're very conscious of what's happening. Bravo.

hugs
Hops

lighter:
I'm still catching up from the weekend, ((Hops)) but wanted to let you know I will respond thoughtfully to your post.  It made so much sense.... and I see Little Hops and grown Hops trying to balance what was with what is.

Acceptance.

Releasing outcome.

Yes.

Lighter

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