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Tuppp's 'On The Move' Thread :)

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sKePTiKal:
Bingo Hops.

Yes, that instinct - IMO - is one of the ways we can learn what makes us happy. (which is a whole 'nother topic for another day) Unless we gravitate to something - it's attractive to us - it's never going to "fill the bill" of contributing to our well-being. It's merely an accomodation; a compromise; eventually we tire of it.

Goes back to what I said on Lighter's co-dependence thread: there's always time (and reason too) to put yourself FIRST. And I think we always "know" - because we just "feel" that something is "right". Gut instinct.

Tupp: I heard your longing for "belonging" echo over here too. I have taken a lot of crap about how "selfish" and "limiting" my hermiting myself away on this property was/is. The theory goes something like: aren't you happy to share the wonders/pleasure of this place with other people? Well, yes, in a non-regular fashion. The occasional gathering of people here is enjoyable to me; for a limited amount of time. But the whole PURPOSE behind what I doing, with intentional isolation (which is supposed to be a terrible sin against ourselves) was learning to belong to ME.

Right or wrong; maybe even dangerous... my lack of "belonging" I suspected, was wrapped up in feeling like I didn't belong to ME. My time, attention, money & energy "belonged" to other people... caretaking, entertaining, guiding through tough times, and just plain R&R. That was my relationship style. So, I never really took care of myself - when I started therapy I didn't even know what I needed or wanted. I didn't have a vocabulary (an emotional one) for that. It wasn't how I was taught the world & reality was. And I was oh, sooooo goooood, at putting other people first. Very well trained.

Being alone; not seeing people for days and only communicating online or on the phone (irregularly) gave me a chance to belong to me. For the first time in my life. I so needed that; and I'm not done yet either. But of course, other people don't understand and swoop in to "rescue me" from what they perceive as an unfulfilling, tedious, awful choice of being alone. So, my work to understand myself - belong to my SELF - at a deeper level was interrupted and once again those neuro-habitrails of putting myself and my wants & needs last woke up and started operating again. I kind of realized it when I was getting upset, irritated and resentful again. And went to work on boundaries immediately.

It's helping; but not as much as being alone again. LOL......
disclaimer: I don't ever recommend the stuff & methods I do for me, to anyone else. Your results may vary dramatically.

But belonging to me, helps me be stronger in my self - when I am in that situation that triggers the old reflex again. I can see a marked difference between before & after. I didn't get completely sucked in - unwittingly - this time. And with a day's peace & quiet... now know what was going on; and can finally put it into words. It's getting easier and I'm getting better at it; still miles to go (IMO).

Hopalong:
Amber,
I think you're responding here to what I just posted to you on the Mindfulness & Codependence thread, right?

Very confusing to have posts move (I've done it myself, busted!) but it doesn't really matter. This beautiful board is one big flow of growth and process and articulation. It's awesome.

It's SO good to read your non-defensive embrace of your own nature and need for solitude.

Me, too. (In my case: Introverted extrovert. Was so amazed to discover that's a thing.)

Hugs
Hops

PS  Let's talk about this more on Farm Life or wherever you think it fits, since this is Tupp's On the Move thread.

lighter:
Sorry, Hops, I did move a post from Tupp's thread to MINDFULNESS THREAD so Tupp has head space for her OT.

Lighter

Hopalong:
No worries, Light!
I'm just a confusedetarian...not fussed.

Hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: Hopalong on November 06, 2019, 01:30:55 PM ---I hear you, Tupp.
My heart sank when I first began to hear your descriptions of the mold, damp, dirt, cramped space, etc. Your nobility in combating despair there has been just incredible. Valiant and moving.

You WILL look back (from a well-lit, un-damp, pleasant space you've made your own, not through heroism but because it has decent bones to decorate!) on the current flat as a nadir. A touchstone.

You're pushing off from this. Whether it's six months or a year, you're not going to accept this level of discomfort or misery long-term for yourself OR your son.

I'm so sorry -- but I so get it. Should I give a list of everything I've learned the hard way? It'd be longer than a novel!!

I hope you don't berate yourself AT ALL, not even a TINY BIT...for a belated realization about the place. You had your priority, your boy, and you gave it everything you have. What is beautiful is how fertile you are for realization and learning and awakening and developing and internalizing and knitting together the pieces of knowledge you really do acquire, that are real and mature and reliable and valuable and awesome.

YOU are awesome.

So while you cuddle up to self care today, I hope you are feeling self-respect stream in the window. It's there and you deserve to feel it.

Love
Hops

--- End quote ---

Hops, thank you, and do you know what I realised from reading your post?  Is that I do need to look at what I've done from that point and try to focus on that, instead of focusing on what I'm still not happy about.  It was an absolute grot hole when we moved in and there's still a lot about it that I don't like but do you know what?  The front garden - very small and absolutely overgrown and a hideous mess when we moved in, is still very small but is now tidy, has some plants growing in pots I found buried in the debris in the back garden, has bird feeders out so we get some lovely birds now and we get two friendly cats who come to visit (probably to try to catch the birds, in fairness, but they're cute and like to be petted).  So it's still not a great garden but it's better than it was.  The windows that actually had mud on them when we moved in, and net curtains that were so dirty that I took them down to wash them and they didn't change shape because they were so stiff with dirt, they just sort of lifted off the window like cardboard, are now clean windows and I've bought inexpensive net curtains in charity shops for some windows and made a really pretty net curtain out of a shawl I bought in a charity shop as well, so they look a lot nicer now.  And the whole place is like that - I've done a good job of polishing a turd, as some would say.  Lol.  It's not a great place but it's a lot better than it was and that's what I should try and focus on.  I just need to work on not accepting so little next time so that I don't have to put so much work in to just making it habitable, I can put the effort in to something else next time :)

In other news - we won't be going back on the housing list in our last area (where my mum lives) because in order to go on the list I have to prove I have relatives living there - which would mean me getting a letter from my mum lol - absolutely not doing that.  So that is off the list now, but was worth checking :) xx

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