Well, crap keeps breaking around here. And that's a perfect scenario for someone who needs to keep busy at fixin' things. At least, that's what I'm thinking. LOL. Yes, he's always going to have that protector instinct. It's who he is. But we started off with him saying I was the CO, and he's the Git R Done guy. As far as that stuff goes. He's pretty dang good at boundaries; I'm sure that's starting to rub off on me a little. But mostly, I'm thinking he's got the ability to say out loud the simple truths of life and not worry a smidge whether anyone takes issue with it or not. He doesn't cause me much concern that way. But everyone else who is here right now might not be so comfortable with that.
And that points to the fact, that for all intents and purposes, I am still voiceless - where it concerns my wants/needs and when that might "inconvenience" or upset or offend someone else. And that remains an issue with boundaries for me. With the current crew of people here (hopefully out of my space in the VERY near future). Not with B. Not at all. And the reason for that, is that we have the same values and common shared life experiences - they're different in setting and lived realities - but the essence of them are the same. I think that matters a great deal long-term. We have a frame of reference for understanding each other so communication is MUCH easier; less fraught. At least, the way things stand at the moment. I fully understand that may change when we're actually sharing space together. I rather expect it change in ways I don't imagine or foresee.
But the power-dynamic between us is of being on the same team. Working together; pulling together in the same direction. I saw that immediately - but he's the one who keeps reminding me when I fall back into old habits from the past experiences. I can tell he's done a lot of inner work; he's steady and not living in a reactive state (unlike some people around here). Once I let the sense of being grounded that he's giving soak in, then I stand down from the hyypervigilent state and relax too. That's been a missing ingredient for me.
It helps that he's so creative too. Well-versed in taking an idea, and making it a real thing. Not in a controlling way; more of an experimental playful way. See where it goes. But he's all matter of fact, too. Despite having a secret, romantic side to him... LOL. He has his insecurities and self-image stuff that he's still working on too. His adventures with relationships and women haven't turned out all that well for him, when all is said and done. Just takin' his hurts, let them heal, and move on... lesson learned. And we can talk about that... along with my past. It's refreshing; and it's intense emotionally. But we're both practical people... so the basics of daily life how-tos, while we do things differently... are still, pretty much the same thing.
Yesterday, my head was buzzing from all the energy & intensity of how freeing it is to start getting ready for a brand-new journey. Not even driving calmed that down; I went over the mountain & back on auto-pilot. By evening, I was totally wiped out and exhausted of all ability to ponder or what-if or even put together verb-object sentences... LOL. But I felt lighter than I have in a LONG time; the weight is lifting. Not imagining or expecting or planning... still in waiting mode... confidently. For as long as I need to.
The timing is right too; I'm letting the past go - into the dry pages of history while working on becoming "just Amber"; the whole enchilada of my "self"... instead of the image to project to the world... and I suppose the recent barrage I've been under from my hatchling about all kinds of things from the past - to the point of returning to old coping mechanisms which just aren't compatible with my current chronological state - has been part of that inventory process. Assessing the good, bad, impractical and downright irritating things - or ones which threatened me into defensiveness in the first place.
I am still the sum result of all those experiences. But now I can choose to do and be the things I intuit are the one's most authentically "me" -- whether they're socially acceptable or NOT. And not give two flying f's what ANYONE including the hatchling, thinks about it.
I think I'm gonna rock purple polka-dots.
