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Farm Doin's - 2020

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sKePTiKal:
He's still processing his empty nest Hops. I'm giving him as much space as I can for that. It's big; and for him - it's the moment he wasn't sure he'd be alive for. So it has to settle some.

LOL... his D sounds homesick a bit already. And worried about him.

Hopalong:
You really do know him, I believe, Amber. If I'm wrong I'd be as disappointed as you would be though without the loss.

You'll find out more as it unfolds and the challenge is to keep your balance during the threshold time...in but not in, together but not together, in the present and waiting.... And if the not-knowing or not-seeing concrete plans and progress, you know you still have choice. You can draw any line any time you feel it's appropriate.

This has all been like a very slow painting, I think, and I also think (no, I know) that you are going to be able to handle whatever comes next. You'll be able to speak, to assert, to decide, to shape your life just as much after-B-arrives or if-B-doesn't as you have been up until now.

I can imagine how you feel mounting stress about it (it's a marathon) and I'm glad you can vent. You don't need rescuing, you do need reminders of your strength and capacity not to abandon yourself or the boundaries you need for balance. You deserve them. And whatever focus it takes to stay in honest dialogue with YOURSELF, I know you can summon.

You are whole now. You have been for a long time.

big hugs,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
NEWS:

Hol got the official OK to move in, albeit some temporary deck railings need to get installed this week. But even Hol can do that, as needed.

Buck's house should be listed this week. Neighbor has his house listed, too - but neither could sell due to neighbor building chicken coop over the easement between the lots - and actually on B's property. Neighbor had to pay for survey today. B's was done years ago. Now, neighbor has to move or tear down the coop. B is pleased - but expected - this result. He said he's already gotten some nibbles, as the realtor "unofficially" talked to some people about the property. I suspect a developer wants the land; but the value of the property has tripled since it last was sold to B... so he should make out OK.

That's the last item on the to-do list for him. :D

I am typically not a patient person. And the more volatile events are while I'm waiting... the less patient I get. This past year has been excruciating for me. I knew what I was signing up for, so I can't really complain can I? But it has been harder on me than I expected. I realized I was kinda in a paralysis-limbo state: waiting for Hol to move out so I can reacquaint myself with how I was doing things without always having someone in my way, or critiquing or trying to "help". And that includes self-motivation. Waiting on Buck - because his input is important to me, too. And I need his help on certain projects.

But somehow I was able to shake that off this week and get my butt moving some again. Ignoring Hol & B, as much as possible... and it's helped a lot that they've been also been doing their own things and busy; and I really appreciate the bit of solitude that's come with that. It's so much easier to sort out just what is going on in my own head - by myself. LOLOL. Knuckles has been keeping me company and he's not demanding at all. So all that, on the way to explaining that I'm just going to go about living my life, doing my things as I see fit - until such time as someone proposes an activity that I'm interested in or spending some time together. There has been talk of B coming to call again soon; like this month or next. I did tell him I'd like him to be moved in by Nov. 3rd; but he didn't promise anything. By now, I expect medical appts to throw a monkey wrench in that. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised. But I'm not holding my breath. There does exist the possibility that the school his D is at may close, if there's much of a Covid outbreak, too. She is not sharing a dorm room; and that's actually making the transition harder for her. She's lonely and there doesn't seem to be the usual freshman activities to meet her classmates. No sports. Classes are 100% online for the first 2 weeks, too. 3 of her HS friends are on campus though. She has an on campus job. So it may just be the usual freshman, first time away from home on her own vapors. She does seem prone to anxiety.

I just find myself not willing to sit around waiting, hoping for him to be able to break free to finally move "SOON". He said he will be able to; I trust him; but I'm no longer gonna sit around & mope & wait for the phone to ring. Winter is coming. And with the cooler weather, I'm finally able to heave-to and get my stuff done. Put my house to rights again; give it a good cleaning; start tackling some of the projects that have been on the list for over a year - upgrading old systems, etc. Maybe I'll even get some rip van winkle time this winter. Missed it last winter.

Maybe I'll even do some shopping, finally. Expenditures on the hut should start shrinking rapidly.

Hopalong:

--- Quote ---This past year has been excruciating for me. I knew what I was signing up for, so I can't really complain can I?
--- End quote ---

You sure can. I'm glad to read this. Not about your being in so much pain, but because it's unvarnishedly compassionate to yourself to call your experience what it was and what it has felt like to you.  If that's "complaining" well, bust me too. Bust the world.

Good news about B's house being about to be listed! Have you been there, or seen pix? It must be in a growing area (if anything's growing right now, economically) if a developer is eyeing it. Or an area of good land, anyway.

Wondering....the details about what B's daughter is going through prompt me to ask:
--have you ever met and talked to her? sorry if you did report that and I forgot
--is B relaying the story about her loneliness and anxiety and boredom? It's really good three friends of hers are there too. So if I have it straight: She has moved away from home (to a different city? same state?) into her own apartment and for two weeks school will be online only, then restart more conventionally (presumably with social distancing). When I was young I would've found that really hard too. The dorm, the other newbies, all of us stumbling through it together, was really where comfort was.

Is her college in a southern state? Generally, some have been slower to embrace virus guidelines. I hope she's smart and safe. If she's influenced by her Dad though, I bet she is.

Even more good news in your post:

--- Quote ---I'm no longer gonna sit around & mope & wait for the phone to ring. Winter is coming. And with the cooler weather, I'm finally able to heave-to and get my stuff done.
--- End quote ---

Knowing that Hol and S are almost out of your private space (with Hol still available) feels miraculous. I can imagine that it's been a relief lately with them almost-gone to have the time and uninterrupted head-space to shift into Amberlife, Amberchoice, Amberdoes, again.

I can almost feel that subtle new vigor of fall, like the coolness slipping into the air.

I am hoping for an iota of your productivity this fall.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Thanks Hops. Emotionally, this whole past year has been a rollercoaster. Not being a stranger to these kinds of things - when has my life ever been consistently stable?? - I at least have some knowledge/skills to manage, maintain & take care of myself.

I've pics of B's house; not quite the full on realtor showcase - but snippets of different places. He is also a fireplace type...  :D

His D is in a dorm on campus. But yes, alone in her room. For now. I've not met her, but seen LOTS of pics. Very pretty & talented young lady. And yes, she finally knows that I exist and how I figure in his planning. I haven't talked with him about that yet. For all he can focus, his attention wanders a lot. LOL.

She's in a smaller university city in a southern state. But the school virus rules are a pretty high bar. I think she'll be fine; this kind of thing is normal. I've dealt with enough freshmen while working, to know a lot of the things they experience during that first month of being out on their own for the first time - even with the massive support structure of the college around them. They're all different of course; it seemed to me that international students were more independent and self-sufficient - but perhaps that's the result of self-selection to attend school in another country?

Just like I'm gradually reclaiming space in the house - and adapting that as my creative whim prompts - I'm doing the same thing with my overall "me space". So much activity going on around here... around me... and I'm generally the rock in the stream that it's flowing around. But this rock is starting to grow moss... and feels like it's time to roll around a little bit and maybe settle into another spot and show another side of itself to the sun.

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