Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Doin's - 2020
sKePTiKal:
I'm good with either one; right now he/she has a new bed in the bathroom under my sink. With Freddy around I figured it would be good to keep them mostly separate for a bit till kitty adjusts to not having mama & it's litter mates. I did let Freddy in for a minute and he went right for the wet food bowl - piggy face. He wasn't happy to get ejected... but baby kitteh needs to get a little bigger before they get acquainted. About 8 weeks old.
sKePTiKal:
Getting caught up on sleep and resting and playing with both kitties (Freddy's pride is injured that I brought another cat into the house).
Going out today to resupply the kinds of food I eat - since the kids have transferred most of their stuff to the hut and have plenty left over from the weekend's camping gathering of Hol friends.
I have to start setting up to run the woodstove. Weekend temps are looking more like Halloween or November than September.... and I still have some herbs to get in the ground - they're looking pretty rough now, as is. Need to set up to finish wall... and catch up with my "spring clean up" that I didn't do. And I JUST. DON'T. FEEL. LIKE. IT. Still.
Hol continues to drop in and chat over coffee or get a better cell signal. But she's starting to sound like me, about my tools & kitchen... and the usual suspect is the reason why. Her friends who came to visit also got on her nerves this time for the same reasons - I guess she should've enjoyed her pristine house for a few weeks on her own before inviting people who can't be expected to know how to care for things or treat hers like their own to spend a weekend.
Buck is busy purging the stuff he's kept for 20-30 years, and didn't even remember he had... before preparing for the next load up here. And dealing with more med stuff... now the stimulator is trying to exit his body; again, looking as tho it wasn't properly secured in a pocket during the last surgery. It's coming to the surface through his skin. It doesn't help he doesn't have much body fat - just muscle and skin. He figures 45 days before it becomes enough of a "crisis" that the hospital will have to do something. He's waiting to hear back from the surgeon's office as it is, after showing the T, the pic of the situation. And no, the Navy still hasn't processed his retirement paperwork (expected no sooner than October) ...
I'm glad I finally decided to just stop obsessing on a specific date when he'd be back/finally moved in. Otherwise I'd be totally nutz by now. Just continuing on with the stuff I know I need to do. Tired of waiting for Hol, too. So... now I'm just dealing with me again and I'm finding out just how many levels of exhaustion exist in attempting to cope with other people around me... expecting my time, attention, compassion, help, caring, and keeping entertained... so as to not go nutz themselves.
Hol was the big one. EVERY time, I tried to just have some down time to relax... there she was again; needing... and taking it poorly that I just wasn't overly engaged. Handle your own shit, kid... the consequences of your choices, your own frustrations, etc ad nauseum... NOT. MY. PROBLEM. Why are you talking to me - and then not liking what I have to say, again?? Go away, kid, ya bother me. (W.C. Fields)
And that boys & girls... is why mom built you your own house. NOW GO HOME. LOLOLOLOLOL.
I'm only now beginning to feel like my nerves are calming down. Living with her - and her crisis mentality (catastrophizing PLUS imagining what-ifs and "all the things") - was taking a bigger toll on me than I realized. Yes, I'm a verbal processer too... but I talk to my SELF, and don't NEED others in the processing... LOLOLOL. Not all our interactions were like that. Some real positive ones, and reciprocal giving back too.
But it's finallly stopped LONG ENOUGH for me to see what it was doing to me. It's not that she's toxic for me, per se (she CAN BE if my guard isn't up; is working hard not to be... and is just as difficult in her overcompensation that way). She's just EXHAUSTING, energy-wise.
Today looks like it might be another "Hi, I'm back day...". She was here for coffee & to grab a few things to move this morning and has been texting coordination info back & forth...
NO WONDER I've been redoing my room and setting up a private patio... where I can hide again. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.
Hopalong:
I hope soon Hol stops her over-dependent stuff with you, Amber. Finds a T.
You are wise not to manage or analyse any more than you feel compelled to.
That kind of connection, while comforting, can also become like an addiction.
She's got a ways to go but it's a good step that she has her own damn building now.
I too find it odd that she invited a bunch of friends so quickly. But I forget youth.
Wonder how she'll weather real mountain solitude should she become solo again some day.
Sending you peaceful patio vibes.
It'll all get sorted, all of it, one day at a time and no faster.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
Amber:
I hope your patio is ready for the fall. Maybe keep it to yourself and turn off your phone when you're there?
I won't give advice, but your last post seemed a bit stressed around Hol. Maybe drop all judgment read through it again.
You seem to be doing well with letting her carry her own stuff. Even when she wants you to climb under it with her again. Well done.
I hope B ' s device gets sorted. I've come to the conclusion he must be Super Man, so will resist writhing over his lack of competent medical care....for once.
So.
Frustrated.
For.
Him.
Enjoy your new 😸
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
For someone who isn't getting alot done in the physical world right now - I sure am busy. Before I know it, it's 3 pm and I'm ready to call it a day.
Stinkerbell the wildcat keeps me busy... we're still trying to find our comfy rhythms & schedule. She just deleted a paragraph... sigh. She's very sweet when she sits still - which is for about 60 seconds. LOL.
Hol is in/out of the house alot. Sometimes I get a heads up, sometimes she just shows up. She needs to borrow something, or works on sorting out the big pile of clothes (all from thrifting) to donate, sorting out old snippets that once upon in her life were significant enough to hang onto for a decade... and opening the boxes she moved and wasn't comfortable opening for a decade at Bovies. There is an equinox fire sacrifice of some symbolic "letting go" items planned this week.
S leaves for a job this weekend; it sounds like his work is slowly starting to pick up again. Hol has been thinking about applying for an asst mgr position at a local cafe. It's only open a few days a week, I believe... but it'll help add some structure to her life. And use up some time that right now she uses in looking for and manufacturing "problems". We've discussed the futility of that a lot... but she doesn't seem able to grab ahold of it and change it. Maybe she doesn't really want to... ya know?
B is having another round with the docs at the hospital. He went to the ER around midnight last night with an urgent problem; his preferred surgeon was on call. Not that he ever got to see/talk to her. Once again - they did the minimum and sent him home just before dawn. Speaking of never-ending problems... they're not his fault, of course. But this crap is getting so absurd - just enough treatment, to deal with the "emergency" - and gather data - but never dealing with solving the problem. The solution is plain as day even to ME. I know he's assertive enough. LOL.
I am still resting up. Letting my mind settle. I'm ready to finish the stone - but there are some other tasks that need doing as well... and my cell tower has been having frustrating signal issues for two months now. There have been multiple calls to ATT, by both Hol & I, and they have yet to give us an ETA on when it'll be fixed. I'm paying for almost a business level connection/bandwidth and yet I still can't pics via my phone outside of Hol and my ipad. Any webpage that has pics on it loads slower than dial up used to be - IF it loads. Download sales reports? Fuggedaboutit. So no online shopping is possible except between the hours of 10 pm and 10 am. Even my Kindle hasn't been able to connect.
I need to research alternatives for internet, phone & tv... but hey - those websites have pics and my brain wants to shutdown during those better hours. So I'm gonna light 'em up again today - ASSUMING of course, that my call goes through. There was a time I wouldn't have been able to call 911. Couple days. Text messages can be delayed 30 minutes to hours. Support is absolutely not forthcoming with information - they just read off the prepared troubleshooting cheat sheets... and I've already done ALL of that 100 times now, hoping this time it'll help.
We are just about at the point of getting rid of ALL of it and doing without. Oh, I can't even get a conventional landline out here either. Buck & I should have the ham radio antenna up on his next trip; when ever that'll be. I may have to have more help with the antenna & radio setup but that's doable - ASSUMING I have some other form of communication to talk to my mentor out on the west coast.
These kinds of things don't infuriate me anymore, the way Hol is still experiencing. I know entropy has been at work in these complex systems for over a decade now. I've accepted it - but they still present challenges to work around, overcome, or outsmart. Or just accept and adapt to them. LOLOLOL. There are always options. And at some point, things will change again. Will it be "fixed"? maybe. Am I hoping that'll be the case? I wasn't born yesterday.
Meanwhile there is PLENTY of other stuff to do an deal with and engage in.
Y'all hang in there. We had frost this morning, which is kinda early but it helps my energy so I'm not complaining.
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