Farm Doin's - 2020

[sKePTiKal]

Buck's surgery was last night. Too bad the surgeons can't sew - he's leaking through his bandages AND the extra padding provided to absorb what should be just a little leakage on the stitched incision. Some time later today, they'll insert the picc line and hopefully release him tonight, end of day. This was relatively minor surgery and is usually an outpatient deal.

But the complication of the infection he got from a PREVIOUS surgery in THAT HOSPITAL... means they kept him overnight. And it's precisely more of a contamination/spread issue in his blood. This problem needs fixed before he goes home because it's a bit of a yoga challenge to change bandages on your own back. So, just more of the same. Maybe he just needs to get a Bio-Hazard tattoo.    Except ya can't get tattoo'd with this kind of infection.

I was getting worried. He went down to surgery around 6; didn't call me till almost 10. He was still pretty groggy; still coming back from whatever they gave him for pain. Then he kept texting me all night. LOL. Between him and Stinker I didn't get a lot of sleep. Good thing I don't have anything majorly challenging to do today. Almost like it was planned this way.

I've been sorting out my kitchen, divvying up extra herbs/spices to Holly, deep cleaning, reorganizing from the move-in starting point 4 years ago... and asking myself why I thought I needed ALL these gadgets. Started cooking "thank you Amber" dishes again for myself and freezing parts of the batches. It's almost time for me to make another batch of small pans of lasagna and freeze them too. Every week, I'm cleaning out more junk food or stuff that got lost in the freezer and has been there more than a couple years to see how much room I've got to put in a big order of meat with a local farm. I need to compost all the extra pantry provisions I brought from the beach... and reorganize that space too.

[lighter]

Maybe buy a very efficient freezer to keep'yer meat, Amber?  I' m channeling Pink Floyd today, apparently. 

I've been thinking about a freezer chest for the island, that can be unplugged mist of the time....just used for fish and as energy efficient as can be managed.

Seems it would simplify, but then....so is keeping our fridgefreezers clean and pretty empty most of the time.  Eating fresh is good too, IME.

Tell B I'm sending healing pink light his way, please.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

(((Amber)))--
Something so consoling about your simple re-engagement with home stuff like downsizing spices and puttering. I liked reading that. Ahhhhh.

I am thinking of B and knowing how hard it is not only to go through such painful surgery and recovery, but how hard it is on YOU to wait for his wellness.

So hope it comes faster than it has before and brings him to you, better. You have been a really astonishing partner/companion to Buck in all this, and I hope hugely that both of you get the chance to settle in to that comfort of love and partnership in the real.

You're an amazing partner and I know he knows how lucky he is.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Well, seems I posted too soon.

Cat scan revealed a wire or tube from one of the medical devices was left behind; Infectious disease won't treat infection until that's removed; surgeon won't remove it - apparently not REALIZING that if a wire, then the bacteria is sticking to the metal or if a tube, ditto PLUS it could be why he leaks spinal fluid and has this frequent recurrence of meningitis symptoms.

Meanwhile B is in limbo; held hostage while someone learns to communicate better and DO THEIR JOBS correctly. This time, Infectious Disease is correct - whatever was left behind has to go before treating the infection. And now we WAIT. Sigh.

This is maddening. I'm trying to keep him entertained from a distance - because of course, with Covid the policy is no visitors unless immediate family. But I didn't sleep much last night - and I know I'm going to conk out early tonight. Good thing he can entertain himself.

-------------------

He almost spooked me. Last week, his D did something of which he didn't approve and in the process of talking it out, said that I was his only light now. For whatever reason, that sounded wrong to me at the time. And I think I know why now. It reminded me of how Mike wanted to always be joined at the hip with me and made me feel guilty even when I was only going to the salon for the two hours to get my hair done. (When I colored it.)

So I found a way to explain it without a million digressions or ramblings... and he came back with: you don't have to worry about that with me. I may not want a LOT of new people in my life, but I'm quite happy going out hunting critters with the guys or fossils by himself... working in his shop. I guarantee I won't be underfoot or chasing you around ALL the time. And he WANTS to cook his dishes. And is no stranger to washing dishes either. Does his own laundry (due to the infection; he's overly cautious about that but it IS smart). Knows how vacumn cleaners work... and has already started learning where things are in the kitchen so he doesn't have to ask all the time.

And I know he's a neat freak. If he's making a mess while working, he ALWAYS cleans up. When you live on a submarine, space is at a premium and you get in the habit. I guess since this is the Mike anniversary season, that comment got an immediate emotional reaction from me while I didn't know why (what he meant was really quite sweet)... until I connected it to Mike's emotional dependency and how that got translated into actual restrictions on me and yes, I cooperated; but it bothered me more than I was willing to admit. And due to his passing & the whole grieving process... things like that got pushed more to my subconscious.

He is so understanding, he gets that I'm still working through stuff. And reassures me that he's not like that... and doesn't get offended that I freaked out a little, over it. He's an amazing partner too. Worthy of my best efforts to be good to him, too.

There have been sooooo many things like this over the course of the last 14 months that we've already worked out between us. Yes, we've been apart - at a distance - but we've been working on communication and the relationship during that time. Developing trust. Letting love settle softly around us... no drama (well, except this wretched hospital experience & Hol's dramas)... between us, NO DRAMA.

One of the things about the house... is that I had to adjust shortly after I finally got mostly unpacked, to Hol, then Steve being here. I'm finally getting settled and having had so many different kinds of situations here already - know what I want to do in this next phase. Buck and I have similar taste and prefer "simple" and functional to any big statements. I'm looking forward to seeing how his treasures fit in... and I'm purging certain things again, too. Fossils, geodes that he's found. Antique items... and we can sit and design in our imaginations together and brainstorm. A creative partner. We make each other laugh. And we can read each other's body language and facial expressions like we've been together a long time; finishing each other's sentences almost. But with his southern accent sometimes it's more fun to hear what expressions he uses... so I don't finish too many.

[Twoapenny]

Skep, I'm so sorry that Buck's been through yet another incompetence.  My mind truly boggles at the way in which medical professionals can just mess up so frequently and no-one does anything about it.  I really hope that once they sort this mess out he will have at least some time without anymore medical dramas.  Poor guy.

I have personally found any military guy I know to be extraordinarily neat and can only think it a good thing.  We used to go to a sports club for disabled kids years ago and the guy that ran that was ex Army (PT instructor).  Lovely guy, so good at what he did, everything ran like clockwork but his brain used to melt at people turning up late, not being where they were supposed to, having a shirt on that wasn't ironed.  You could see it was deeply wired into him that other people not being like that boggled his mind (in a kind of cute, funny way, he didn't get cross about it, just kept telling people they needed an Army training course).  He was very cute.

I think it's very easy for a comment (his only light) to mean very different things to different people, and it's hard when someone from the past would have meant that in a different way to the way Buck means it.  I would have flipped out a little too; it's great that he understands and is enough of his own man to be able to keep his stuff and your stuff connected but not enmeshed.  He sounds like a good un.

I am really looking forward to the day when you post on here some stuff about the projects you and Buck have been getting up to and how you're sat by the fire after dinner, just talking about the day and fending off crazy cats.  No drama, no complication, just easy companionship and shared time.  It won't be long now xx

[sKePTiKal]

Tupp, that's exactly what we talked about when he called later last night. He's obviously bored and has been walking off a paced mile every couple hours in the halls. The nurses are absolutely beside themselves trying to find ways to help him. One brought him coffee last night after supper. They all know him, and care - because he's been there the whole 4 years once or twice a year, they've been in nursing school.

An ER doc I know from our other forum, said that this hospital & the docs embarrass him.

Our conversation later that night, was about him seriously considering speeding up his timeline to move and just which bridges to his life there he was willing to burn, just to get where people are more decent to each other. As you know, some of us don't do well with bureaucratic processes - especially when it involves lack of accountability and CYA and lack of communication/coordination in what is supposed to be a "CARE" system.

Sounds like he's willing to cut his losses and just get out of there, and get started all over again. He is concerned about coming here "hat in hand"... not having acquired his pension, freedom of insurance/choice of docs, and the proceeds of his half of the house. This is going to an issue with him; he's sensitive about being a provider. I've tried to explain that I don't see him that way and don't feel like he's taking advantage of me. It's an issue for me, too - because Mike was perfectly fine not having anything to work at and DID financially take advantage in ways I still resent. I should've been more assertive about what I wanted, instead of trying to let him satisfy his shopaholic happy compulsion. B absolutely can't NOT work at something. He'll go stark raving mad. Climb the walls.

I can most definitely keep him busy. And I have a very good contact for referrals within the medical system here. So I think we can get him healthy again too. Which is his major obstacle right now. It's going to be an ongoing thing; I knew that ahead of time. But he's not as bad off as the prevailing medical opinion down there seems to expect or even trying to make him into.

He's a "left foot, right foot", keep going forward guy. And that deep-seated provider mentality and must feel useful and productive characteristic is a good match for mine. We can carry each other, as needed, instead of one of us always carrying the other. And while for gov purposes he is considered disabled, there is no way this man is that disabled... he's better off now, than he was 20 years ago because of his determination to suffer what was necessary to get here. And I'm not going to let this hospital's sloppy and cold attitude about correcting THEIR errors finally demoralize him into giving up. He'll not be good as new - but none of us are what we were when we were 20-30. Even Hol is realizing that at 42.

Life ain't perfect. But if one can sit still and be quiet, you'll see that there are enough moments - maybe MORE than enough - that are close enough to perfect to compensate for the other crap we all go thru.

[Hopalong]

not having acquired....

is really

....not having YET acquired.... am I right?

If those are sure things then I wouldn't fear taking him on.
Are you sure? It's an enormous commitment. And maybe
it's just the right one, in which case, bonzai!

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Those are sure things Hops. Did my own research on that. Bein' it's the gov't... it's complex, convoluted and worse than any contract I've ever read.

[lighter]

I vote B moves sooner than later.

I vote he gives up on his current clown posse medical system.

A wire....
left in his spine....
and the doc won't touch it.

Insane clown posse.
( Youngest DD likes that band.)

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

It is insane Lighter. Yesterday, they kept him prepped for surgery to take that wire/tube out... (a 180 from the impasse) and I just found out they didn't do it last night. He is going to try to get discharged around noon today... and there is no way he's keeping any appts associated with that place again.

We talked about it. There just isn't any point in him staying there and dealing with a "care" system that has made so many mistakes, it's almost killed him a couple of times. He'd rather be shot at than trust them again. I thought I'd seen the worst possible medical confusion dealing with Mike; but that was simply because of the profession's taboo over just saying to my face that he was dying and the best we can do is make him comfortable. What Buck has been thru takes the cake. But he's still hopeful, and overcoming to the best of his ability.

If he doesn't live there, the VA/DOD can't expect him to get care there. It's to the point, that I'm sure they resent the fact that he's gotten himself so much stronger than their expectation for someone in their 60s who's endured this type of injury for 20 years and found some "mind-body" ways to deal with the pain... that he's a threat to the steady insurance income they get from him. Yeah, that's really negative and judgemental and jaded/cynical. But that's what I've seen happen over the last 4 years to him.

I'll never understand why the least invasive/least dangerous treatments aren't used more often. Hol ran into that too, when she broke her ribs... they expected her to go to bed, even overnight in the hospital, and beg for pain meds and moan & bitch... and we went to pick up her meds and grab her favorite fast food sandwich on the way home. The doc couldn't believe she was walking about a mile or two every day with broken ribs. The mindset just can't deal with people who know their own bodies and knows how to make it feel better and don't just lay there and give up.

My to-do list is getting longer. I start the process of getting referrals for new docs here, from Mike's D. She's head of Trauma now... and probably knows the best spinal/neuro surgeons personally. Same same with the infection. And he's going to have to do all the navigating bureaucracy with military/VA... I don't have enough familiarity or patience for that. And then there are inside/outside jobs that HAVE to get done here for winter.

I know he is perturbed about needing to accept my help; he's all wrapped up in owning that role/image for himself. We'll need to have a discussion about male ego in general terms, I think. LOL. Followed up by the conversation about "keeping score". But this is what NEEDS to happen; get him moved and start the process all over with new docs, the 4000 page med history, the previous 42 surgeries and addressing the immediate concerns - and THEN coming up with a plan for ongoing medical support/monitoring. I'm not just going to "take over"... I'm just going to stop him beating his head on a brick wall without LETTING me help. He's still in charge. But I'm just as stubborn and hardheaded as he is... and his way of doing this isn't working anymore.

The biggest concern is doing what is necessary to start the IV antibiotics to clear the infection. It's the infection that is the biggest threat at the moment. And it's not something he can just "live with". It's something that has to be addressed and if another surgery has to happen first, then so be it. Then maybe his idea of allowing a couple years to go by without any artificial devices is possible. It won't be, if the infection is allowed to continue.

ETA: I'll know more in about an hour.

[lighter]

I'm
So
Relieved to see B is changing tactics....
YES!!

[Hopalong]

I am holding my breath for an hour.

MUCH comfort and hope,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Another vote for him moving in with you sooner rather than later, Skep.  And for what it's worth, my jaded, skeptical view of healthcare in general is that there's no money to be made out of healthy people, or out of people knowing how to look after themselves and just letting nature take it's course at times.  Not suggesting that Buck can heal on his own, of course, but I'd lay money that being there with you will do him the power of good in more ways than one.  Yep, I can see he might not like that feeling of relying on someone but it won't be forever and there's bound to come a time when you'll need to lean on him so it will level out.  Fwiw I keep two synopses of my son's situation (as his notes run into thousands of pages); one that bullet points everything from the outset (a long doc but once the initial bit was set up I just added to it each time something major occurred) and one that bullet points the here and now situation.  An awful lot of the information is repeated on various reports and assessments so the actual info needed gets kind of buried, which is a pain.  So it could be a 'the night's are drawing in' activity supplemented with hot chocolate and biscuits   And now my weird paperwork OCD is itching to come over there and sort it all out for you   Lol xx

[sKePTiKal]

OH.... thanks for the offer Tupp and the vote of confidence!

I'm pretty good at that kind of distillation too. And I don't really dread it, because it helps my peace of mind to have a big picture, trends, and absolute bottom lines all defined. And I've been reading scientific/medical stuff for over a decade now.

There's more, but right now this is all a very active "work in progress" - and I have a list of other things to get to, too.

OH, one of the big changes around here, since building the Hut, is that for Hol to get an address, the county 911/GIS office wants to name my driveway and change my house number & street address... to be able to give Hol a house number/address. LOLOLOL. They calculate house numbers by exact tenths of a mile distance - and in this case, since there are two residences and my dirt road has been improved so much to allow for hut construction - they have to do this to stay consistent with their system. So far, I know what the road name will be; I should get the house numbers next Tues. That office tech only works 2 days a week. 

I don't know how long that's going to take, but we'll both have to change addresses for EVERYTHING. Most I think, can happen online (I hope). But that's going to depend on having a good cell signal.

Wheeeeeeeeee. 0 to 90 mph in less than a second.

[Hopalong]

Damn!
Call 'em quick and ask if YOU can offer road name preferences!!

I love naming stuff, will drown you in unsolicited suggestions.

hugs
Hops