Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Update on my husband Bill
Hopalong:
Hi Bettyanne,
I agree with Tupp, that this is a huge lot to be going through at the same time Bill is so sick. And particularly:
--- Quote ---as kids, we have to normalise what we go through just to get through it.
--- End quote ---
But Tupp's comment also made me think...maybe this crucible time is a gift. Your concern and grief for Bill, which come from love, are so powerful that perhaps they're also dislodging your own buried concern and grief for yourself, which are ALSO from love, for yourself. Perhaps the prospect of losing him has in some unconscious way made you fight to not also lose yourself. Makes a funny kind of sense to me. I think one morning you will wake up and your first thought won't be about Nmother's abuse. Instead, it might be: I DID get through it. So I am going to leave it behind now.
This also hit me when I read it:
--- Quote ---My therapist said when you have been abused from birth its very hard to separate from......when they try to remove kids they want to go right back...
--- End quote ---
Perhaps that's the reason it's so hard to stop re-living all that you suffered with your Nmother and grandmother (oh what a childhood SHE must have had). Perhaps you're doing battle with your inner helpless child, trying to convince adult-Bettyanne that it's okay to leave home now. I don't think you want to go back. So every moment you carve out that is NOT recycling those memories is freedom.
I have faith in adult-Bettyanne. I truly think you're fighting to come into your own adult self, and decide for yourself that you are no longer a helpless victimized child. It's painful, to take accounting of all the ways you were treated by your mentally unwell mother. But it's also liberating, to take stock of all that while ALSO respecting yourself and valuing all you managed and learned and created in your own individual life anyway. You did really well. You and Bill did really well.
You never deserved the bad, and you deserved all the GOOD. Those six wonderful children. A wonderful marriage to a kind man. Your own mind and heart intact. Your T. Your courage.
And what strength you showed when you were young to start therapy and hang in with it. That is the sign of a person determined to heal, to have a full life and build your own sense of peace.
Bravo to you, Bettyanne.
Hugs
Hops
Bettyanne:
Dear Hops.....
Thank you so much for your kind words......
I guess some part of me didn't believe that my own mother didn't love me.....and although I knew it at some level she only truly put herself first.....
I guess it is the acceptance that is how sick she really was....she was a great actress and could turn it on and turn it off to her own convience.....that is why so many people didn't believe me.....ever
I can picture her sitting on her back porch with rosary beads in hand.....and yet could screw you at a seconds notice...amazing really....
Perhaps enough is enough.......
you sure are helping me to turn the lights back on and see.....
to see truly what is most important .....
I know deep down in me I always knew Love was the answer
I never saw it in her.....except when she bought me something and then she wanted to bow down to her...
I believe something happens to us when we die.....not what the church says....but what ever it is??? will be.
I don't wish anything on her I think what ever it is suppose too will....
I will let it go at that........out of my control
But what is here right now that I can do to help Bill is what I am suppose to be doing...
or for my kids.....and myself too....
Life sure teachers lots of lessons.....
God knows I sure have had my share......
Bill and I are taking train this Thursday down to Meghan's in San Francisco.....to stay with her and Jared....
Lots of hospitals and doctors if anything happens.....
I hope not ......
Thanks again....for all your help
Sincerely, Love, Bettyanne
PS I will write again from SF.....
Twoapenny:
I hope you all enjoy your time in SF, BetttyAnne. I think N parents do love their kids, but their love is a kind of weird, distorted, control based thing. It's a bit like people who beat their partners but claim they love them. In a weird way they do, but it isn't a healthy, nurturing kind of love - it's something more destructive but to them it's normal. It's perfectly understandable that that messes with someone's head.
I hope you are able to stop giving yourself a hard time for the things your mum did. None of it was your fault. You taking her out at the weekends wasn't a bad thing - it was a very kind, loving thing to do and in most families would be completely normal. It's just a shame that in some families things are so messed up that something as simple as going out for the day is loaded with so many other things.
Enjoy your time in SF, BettyAnne, I hope you all get to have a great time together xx
lighter:
Wow. This thread is an amazing thing of beauty to read.
You have a wonderful trip in SF, Bettyanne. Drop a line if you have time: )
Lighter
Hopalong:
San Francisco!
I hope you'll do all you can in the PRESENT MOMENT with those you love,
and pull every small joy and beauty and moment of connection from this time.
A tree, a flower, a sunset, a skyline, a wonderful breeze, a smile, a small kindness
from any human being.
I wish you all of these, Bettyanne.
Please, leave her behind, let her go, dump the bad memories in the Bay. Let her rest in
peace so you can LIVE in peace. You deserve to.
Hugs
Hops
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version