Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Update on my husband Bill
Hopalong:
Bettyanne,
I'm so sorry for Bill's suffering from cancer and yours from memories that won't let go.
I like to focus on those six great kids you mention, how they love and support you.
My hope is that once you get through this painful trial, you'll find happiness again with them and with people who help you notice the present and release the past.
I know Nparents stay in our psyches but we can definitely force them to take up less of our vital thoughts.
Thinking of you, and Bill and all you love.
Hugs
Hops
Bettyanne:
I just want to share a bit about my NM......
I always knew she didn't feel good to me.....
I felt her work and anything she did was more important than me....
Our home was very different then most at the time
Her mother who was from Ireland had little to no education could not write or read...
that doesn't make her bad.....but her screaming and yelling all the time did...
She was also left to the care of my Cerebral Palsy brother who could not walk, talk or feed himself..
I think now as I write this how insane that was....a woman in her late 60's left with him?? he died a month before my grandmother, he was 24 and grandmother died at 87. My dad died around same time as these two at age 51 how said was that. All died in 1964.
He, my brother sat most of the day in a small chair with underwear on a rubber sheet and a towel I think you can figure out why!!!
My NM was always on her way to work or wanting to get out of the house....
My therapist said this week in therapy my NM wanted nothing for me.....
It has taken me this long to put all the pieces together because NM was always in control....
of all members in household....my dad, her mother although they were always fighting, my brother that has
no choice and myself that had no choice either....
I asked what my therapist thought of this situation, after diagnosis of traits of Narcissi ways, and Borderline disorder
Putting those aside here ....as a kid or adult not until late in my life to find this diagnosis
What was I dealing with as a kid?? and young adult etc????
She said Craziness, nothing normal nothing normal at all....
Finally I have a diagnosis that makes pure sense...
Nothing at all NORMAL......finally it all makes sense to me....
I was sent to Catholic School and last 9 years in Catholic girls school.....
It was so abusive and you had to obey ....these were not nice nuns....
Making you to feel awful about yourself....never good, very similar to my own life at home.
I always felt in dreams like I was in quick sand and being sucked up by the earth....
Yes it has taken me all these years that my life was totally craziness and I had no say in anything ever.....
Until I got married.....but ever then she NM had a hold on me I was so brain washed.
Today I am starting to see how I raised by a control freak.....She was always going to church making herself
look like a SAINT and treated everyone at home like shit....
Her job was more important then anything in her life and worked up to 100 when she died...she fell and broke hip at work.
I realize now that I see the entire picture....I am lucky to be alive and survived all the craziness
I think it will start to relieve me....I did nothing to cause all the abuse on me.....
Pure abuse....my therapist said...and craziness
My dad was treated more like a child as well and he had no say either..and escaped things too by being so interested
in sports....So both parents escaping dealing with their son, her mother and me..what a pure mess and only NM was in control She died 7 years ago at age 100.....never ever changed right to the end....
I have tried to be a good mom and do my best and now dealing with Bill being sick is so painful....
I know craziness is not a technical diagnosis but it sure fits for me....
I do feel better....and will start to change how I look at the above situation....
It will take a bit to let go of 69 years of abuse but I can realize I didn't cause it and I am grateful I am not like them.
Thanks, Bettyanne
Thanks for reading I am sure trying to make some sense of what happened to me.....and let it go..
Twoapenny:
((((((((((((((((((((((Betty Anne))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I think, as kids, we have to normalise what we go through just to get through it. Abusive experiences are often mirrored in other areas, I have found - school, college, work places, marriages etc, or we abuse ourselves with drink, drugs, over-eating and so on. Which, of course, compounds all the earlier damage and just leaves us in such a huge mess in so many ways - although often with a glimmer of normality somewhere - our own kids, or jobs, or partners - that somehow makes it through all of that.
I remember when I first started to realise and understand just what I'd been through in my younger years and just how much my mum had done - how abnormal it all was, how hard it had been to get through, how much damage it did me. I grieved, for years, for missed opportunities, nice guys I didn't date because I only went out with people who treated me badly, money I'd mis-spent trying to block it all out, decades I wasted on people who just treated me badly and didn't want to try to help me to be a better version of myself. I ached for the little girl I was, who was shunned, ignored and mistreated - for us it was the dogs that took priority, and then the housework. I yearned for the day that my mum would ring and say she'd realised she'd not been well and that she wanted to get better and put everything right. I'm honestly not exaggerating when I say that I started on this journey twenty years ago and it's still hard, it still upsets me, I'm still working through it. But - thanks to therapy, this forum, some very good people, my son, and my own strength and determination I have and am getting through it.
For you to be unpacking all of this whilst going through Bill's illness is huge, Betty Anne. It's a monumental task and so hard to get through, however supportive other people might be. I'm glad you've got your T, and your kids around you, and this time to spend with Bill. Keep posting on here whenever it helps, because you know everyone here has been through similar and will understand. It's a very tough time but it will take a big weight of your shoulders eventually. And Betty Anne, please keep reminding yourself that despite everything you've been through and despite the way your mother treated you, you are a kind, compassionate, warm hearted human being. You didn't let what she did make you hateful or hurtful to others. You're dealing with life better than she ever did and that's something amazing about you, so don't let yourself forget that xx
lighter:
If I could, I'd help you change those terrible memories of abuse in your life.
I'd help you step into those moments and BE the adult in charge.
Taking your mother by the hand, your father, your grandmother and especially brother to give them what they needed, but couldn't create, give or receive.
I'd help you heal enough to process those memories so your brain could experience your best and highest outcome for all.... then file it in historic files where it can rest out of your present moments.
And that's a heartbreak when I read your posts, which I appreciate in a deep and profound way... thank you for sharing, bc these things need to come out, feel the sunshine and witnessed completely. We're here as compassionate witnesses for you. With you.
You deserve freedom from the past living so fully and completely in your present moments. Like it's hovering in front of you, real and touchable. That's something you can't just switch off and I apologize for suggesting you could.
It breaks my heart and I wish I could heal you, help your brain process these terrible moments, turn them into your highest wish for what they'd been, then file them away forever, calm and safe and healed for yourself and entire family.
I invite you to check out EMDR basics, how it works and simple ways to utilize it when you have moments of calm or upset, but moments where you want to finish the past.
I envision you sitting someplace you feel safe, sacred space created for yourself, hold your hand in front of your face about 18" out, move your hand back and forth like a clock hand ticking upside down. Focus on the feelings in your body. What are they? Where do they live? Breathe..... just breathe in and out fully filling your lungs from the bottom to the top, like a vase, and pay attention to your inner world. Find the places where the pain and tension live and give them a number from 1-10 for intensity.
Breathe space around those areas.... picture breathing cotton or mist or whatever feels right INTO those areas of pain and tension. Check your 1-10 number again. Just do this over and over till you feel better. Your intuition can lead you here... everything is right. There is no wrong.
You are safe now. You will be OK. Your mother is gone and she can't harm you anymore.
If you can find an EMDR trauma informed T it might be very helpful to you.
If you get to a point where this feels right and you find some relief.... by yourself... checking your internal feelings and sitting with them... maybe using your hand in front of your face, back and forth, I invite you to revisit the stories you shared. Feeling into them, identifying the feelings, breathing into them and filling them with spaciousness.
I invite you to rewrite those stories, anyway you needed them to turn out and be...... maybe you're the adult, coming into the situation and guiding everyone, caring, making sure everyone is OK. Teaching. Whatever you needed it to be..... SEE that. Is there someone you wish had saved you? Maybe even a superhero? Whatever you needed to happen, SEE it. Breathe.... and breathing is something we practice. We never get it perfect. We forget then remember and begin again. Deep. Fill the vase.
Your brain wants a moment to be calm, re-experience your trauma in a state of non judgmental focus and finish processing what it couldn't all those years ago.... trauma happened to you. You were a child and you understand you had no power.
You have power now. Your brain wants to finish this...your brain is good at it and tremendously efficient at it.... processing can happen in a millisecond.... it's not hard. It's what your brain does when it's not under so much stress. Change the stress and give your brain a chance.
Wouldn't it be wonderful to feel like everything is healed, everyone is OK and you can move past the sadness.
(((Bettyanne)))
Breathe. Stop judging. Just pay attention to what's going on inside. Observe it and breathe spaciousness into it rather than struggle and suffer, bc you're more powerful than you can imagine. Look at what an amazing person you've turned into after all. Amazing.
Again, thank you for sharing your experiences.
Lighter
Bettyanne:
Dear Two a Penny and Lighter,
Thank you both for your responses......Its really good someone really cares, Thank you....Of course my husband does and he experience my NM as well.....If you really knew her she was not a kind or nice person...but a immature woman who never truly grew up...just a person who was mentally using others to satisfy her own needs which I am sure she never got because my grandmother from Ireland had nothing to give .....
both my mother and grandmother would act nice in front of who ever they needed to show how sweet they were...but the true people where not nice or kind but were going through motions of mental illness I am calling Borderline and Narcissistic traits. I don't think my grandmother had much of a life being born in a one room thatch roof house which I saw in 1964 as a barn. My grandmother was born in 1877....Carrickmacross, County Monahan, Ireland......
I will share here what I heard recently from a co-worker in the office my NM worked in, my NM was the secretary who also answered the phone when someone called in.....When my NM was in her late 90's she took favored to(treating him like a close loving son) the boss so if the call was not for the boss she would be very mean to these people or she would be rude. The person who told me this said they were losing clients because of this situation. Also my NM had lost control of her urine and she was not smelling right and it was not a good thing in the office. So the women got together and all went to the boss and said the above here and he would do nothing about it....I think this boss was involved in the mob ? or something like that and my NM knew it and he would not let her go. ???? This was NJ and very common.
If I said to my NM why don't you stop working? she would answer in a nasty voice what am I going to do .....look out the window at home watching the cars go by!!!! As you can tell she was a difficult person to deal with for me and Bill. But she would be nice to those she needed to get away with continuing to do what she wanted....
I was born and she put me in day care from birth almost and wanted little to do with me except when it came to her showing off being a mother....what a joke that was. She sent me to first grade for two years so no kindergarten because that messed up time for my grandmother because NM was never home.
Yes I know I am dealing with a sick husband but since NM only died 7 years ago at age 100 she never left me alone. For close to 30 to 40 years Bill and I drove her to and from a Catholic Shrine....on weekends....stupid stupid me....I was so hooked to do this with 6 kids...omg I am so upset with myself....even though I know I was abused from birth to do what ever she said.....and always answer yes to what she wanted.....maybe you can understand how stupid I feel about me.....I was so messed up mentally.
I guess it helps just to say this crap....like all of you too.....being raised by unfit parents...anyone can get pregnant but not anyone can be a good parent.....I got to see some normal when I baby sat outside of my house/not home.....I saw mom's taking care of kids....loving them....fixing nice meals for their family and having a good home.....I didn't get to have a bedroom until I was 14.....I slept with my brother in middle of bed and my dad on other side...pure craziness....my mother was...she slept in sofa bed in living room.
I am grateful I got to see some normal outside of my house.......my kids had beds of their own, slept in bedrooms they shared with a brother or sister....I had 3 girls and 3 boys...I am so grateful for that....I am grateful for a normal family not always were things perfect....as Bill's family was off a bit too....but together we both worked at being good or somewhat normal parents....My kids are great...we all hugged each other and lots of kissing....and smiles and laughter...we still do when we see them.....life is not all trouble free but at least we try to make it as good as possible...my youngest girl has cystic fibrosis.....but grateful she is living a somewhat good life and she has made it to 38 and is with a great guy.....she is also a therapist....so you never know do we....so so grateful.
What is normal or what is the way to have a good life.....for sure my childhood house was so mixed up and dysfunctional ..but I have spent a lifetime....in therapy...first time....I started therapy as a 24 year old because I was asking my NM to help me and out the door she went to work....OK I got it now she was mentally way off....but I spent a month in a mental hospital best thing to happen to me really......the doctor there agreed with me and I started therapy after that....with no money but where there's a will there's a way....and for sure.....I was able to get help.....for that I am grateful.....I had no control over how long NM lived and still feel it was unfair but it took all this time to figure out and now with her dead.....I really see her for who she was.....I had no control over it....I was the kid.....my dad did nothing either... Now having daughter who is a T is great.....she does well we don't talk about my NM as my mother hooked the kids too.....but she's dead and can't do much more harm...
I do feel better after reading your posts and so grateful to you.....Thank you....I think time will help.....
Bill is doing his best went to my son's health food store yesterday and had a free help from a lady who is a health expert and has recommend a person to help with the cancer.....so we will try our best......to do that...I think we are done with Chemo which almost killed him about six weeks ago....took heart attach ...lost his memory etc....
All we can do is try....and have faith....
Thank you dear friends.....Love, Bettyanne
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version