Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Coronavirus
lighter:
P:
If you're going to break the news about your marriage to your family at this event.... keep a few things in mind.
1. People don't want to be told what to think, do or feel when we're telling our stories.
2. They're more likely to hear us if we speak about the PD individual with compassion. Always. That means we drop judgment and share facts, preferably those we can prove, bc sometimes people need to see proof.
3. Telling the story with facts we can prove will reduce the confusion involved. It also pares things down into easy to understand bites of information. People don't need your entire history. They can make sense of what's going on NOW for you.....
W yells and rages at you reglarly.
You aren't comfortable or happy with this relationship.
We refuses to hear you or change in order for you to BE OK.
You're considering options for making changes you can live with.
You don't have to go into details about anything. In fact, this is a funeral... it's OK to give the highlights and nothing more if that's what you decide to do. Some people will understand. Some might not. It's OK either way if you have realistic expectations.
I break off contact with people who ask dumb questions or take sides with the PD. And I don't talk to them about it again, bc I find those people challenge my ability to remain level. Some of them are simply drama seekers, trouble makers, lashing out over things from the past and that's OK too. Just let it go and turn towards the people who get it, IME.
You'll likely identify those who GET IT and make them part of my support team. I think about how they can help and I ask for help when I need it. It's OK to need help and to ask for it, P. Making a good plan, then leaning on your supporters to stick to it is a solid plan, IME. Living with the PD during separation is typically crazy making and I'd never do that unless a Judge forced me to, btw.
4. When I first told my story to the people around me I was in fight or flight, completely freaked out and yammering in 10 directions about the crazy, violent, terrifying things the PD was DOING to me or had done to me. If I had to do it again, I'd have crafted my story around my evidence.... what I could prove. People need a story to square up and they undestand physical and verbal abuse. They understand selfishnish and control and they understand trying very hard to make things work, then concluding things can't work after trying everything, IME.
I guess I'm saying.... think about what you want to say before you go to the funeral. Who you'll say it to. You don't want this to turn into the P show, bc it's a funeral. It is a place where your family will gather and you can inform them of your situation without everything turning into THAT, IMO.
Remember.... treat stupid questions as opportunities to educate your audience. Pretend your'e speaking to children...... it will help you speak calmly, keep it short, simple and skip getting defensive,w hich is important too, ime.
Stay Covid safe in the ways that make sense to you. I feel like you've given this a lot of thought. I love the idea of having a place with an outdoor entrance. I like the idea of outdoor bbq's and gatherings in the outdoors.
Celebrate your lost loved one in the way you need to and don't let W's actions ruin that for you.
Don't let M rage at you either, if you can help it. That's not acceptable. You don't deserve it. You can protect yourself and keep yourself safe, P.
Lighter
Phyll:
I am trying very hard to read your responses, while Wayne is screaming at me non stop. It started the minute I pulled in the driveway - returning from physical therapy. He came out and asked why I had a frown on my face. Then he started telling me how I could get groceries for my trip - a conversation I tried to have with him this morning when he kept interrupting me, saying he had enough groceries. Then while I was getting a box to put the produce in which I bought from an outdoor stand he came back out and told me not to load the car with boxes. When I explained what I was doing he went on a rampage about how I am placing him at risk by stopping to buy produce (even though I wore a mask.)
I lost my temper and screamed back, said terrible things. So did he, and he his still ranting, non-stop. A full half hour.
So perhaps I ought to cancel the whole trip. I certainly did not plan to draw all the attention to me at this family funeral event. (He is still ranting....) I think I just want to get away from him. I feel pretty messed up at the moment. I don't want to get sick.
He finally stopped ranting. It makes me nuts. There is a cheap hotel near my cabin. I think that is where I will stay, and spend the days at my cabin. Thank you for your comments and advice. I will be very cautious.
Hopalong:
I ended a marriage and the biggest reason was my husband using volume, just yelling yelling yelling whenever he was frustrated or angry. I couldn't take it.
It's bad for your health and you have enough on your plate.
Maybe quiet peaceful nights at the hotel will give you the space to find your center again.
W is spreading his misery insistently and I agree, you need boundaries around this. Maybe when you get back you can look into finding a counselor for support, no matter what decisions you make.
Hugs
Hops
Phyll:
There will be quiet peaceful nights at the hotel, but even more importantly I will be at The Cabin during the days. The Cabin is a slice of heaven. It is a 2 room log cabin over 100 years old. My Grandparents from my Mom's side bought it. It sits on 32 acres along the North Fork of the Flambeau River. The land was "grandfathered" in after it became a state forest.
The cabin overlooks the rapids. I have been going there since before I was born. It is the place I am able to take myself to in my mind when I need to relax and become grounded. I have not been there physically for 4 years. The sounds of the river roars, trickles, and swooshes like an orchestra. The bird songs and the breezes whistling through the pines add to the music. Light from the sun and the moon both shine right down on the water and dances off its reflection. The great bald eagle, whom I named Amadeus, soars through the river channel twice a day. He is so big and beautiful he takes up a large chunk of sky - you can't miss him. I really need this.
I don't intend to say a lot about my situation at the funeral. My Brother F and his wife plan to join me at my hotel Saturday night for a cookout. They are at least both vaccinated. It will be nice to catch up.
I don't expect my family will be all that surprised about W. W has not made much of an effort to get to know them. I don't know what to ask from them for help, other than what I know they will give - their belief, love and support. I just do not have a clear idea how to extricate myself from the situation I am in, so I do need counseling. I need to schedule a Zoom appointment with my psychiatrist and I do have options for seeking and getting therapy.
Thanks so much.
Hopalong:
The place does sound like heaven on earth, Phyll.
Your description made it so real. River, eagle, trees and breezes.
And an old cabin on land that feels like your bones. Wonderful.
It also sounds like a healing place, a safe place to begin the beginning of a plan.
Then once you're home, regular support to prepare for the transition.
Bravo!
hugs
Hops
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