My Stepdaughter the Narcissist

[lighter]

Hi bean:

Babies don't need to be punished or spanked or tapped......they certainly shouldn't be beaten. 

Beating children is a crime. 

Beating any human is a crime. 

Beating a baby..... renders me speechless.  I don't feel calling DFACS is the answer, and neither is chatting with someone who beats a child.

That's a tough tough impossibly difficult problem.  Perhaps talking with the father of these babies would be the better route, if you speak to anyone about it at all.

I'm from a place where gaining a child's cooperation is good parenting.

Where discipline is teaching a child to do better.

Where punishment is about a parent transferring aggression and ignorance, bc they don't know how to parent better than that.

Lighter

[bean2]

Hi all,
just checking in

My stepdaughter the narcissist officially disowned us.  Honestly, it's a relief.  I told my husband, "you'll still get hate texts" and "we'll see her in 6 months, same as before."

The text she sent my husband yesterday said this.  This text was in response to a 6 minute video my husband sent her saying she cannot give him an ultimatum to leave me, he isn't going to tolerate her abuse anymore, and we are not going to "hate" people she hates:  "You will never see me or my kids ever again and this is on you."

The reason I say it's a relief is because I'm old.  I'm tired.  I don't have the energy to deal with her abusive outbreaks.  She berates my husband and it hurts him.  I hate to see him suffering.

Anyway, just thought I'd check in and give ya'll a staus.  Will read all your replies soon.

HUGS
bean

[Twoapenny]

(((((((Bean))))))))

I would be relieved as well.  I expect sadness will come at some point - family ties, or at least our desire for family ties, are strong.  So it may be that you both feel sad about this as well.  But yes, relief would be my over-riding emotion if I were in your shoes and I know, in my own shoes, that the relief I don't have to deal with my mum every day, is huge.  I am sorry though, it's hard when people's behaviour makes it too difficult for us to be around them.  Big hugs to you and hubby xx

[lighter]

I'm sorry you and your dh are struggling with that chaos, Bean.

Where is the other sd standing in this?

Lighter

[bean2]

Thank you for asking lighter.  We still have not heard from the other stepdaughter.  I suspect she's thinking if she doesn't side with her sister, her sister will rage at her next.

[lighter]

Bean:

Maybe the other sd is keeping her head down and refusing to join the chaos. 

It would be the adult thing to do,  IMO..... tell her sister it's not her business and to please leave her out of it.

Is your husband pretty calm with the situation right now?

How are you doing?

Lighter

[bean2]

hi lighter,
I was so acting the adult, and so calm.  I was giving my husband advice.  When this all went down, I even went and dialed up a couple's therapist.  My husband was super impressed at my expertise on the subject, and has even exclaimed to our counselor several times "that's what my wife said would happen!"  He considers me an Expert on Narcissim (hey I spend almost 10 years here).  I went through two different types of therapy including hypnotherapy to recover from my Mom.  So when my stepdaughter turned up N...

I thought "I got this."

But there's knowledge, and then there's this other thing, called deep seated patterns.  We are literally programmed (at least I am) to do and mess up anything good.  To regress back to the old junk.  I was believing I had really been shamed.  I was feeling bruised.  I no longer was thinking how mean she is to her Dad, I finally (it always takes me forever) kicked it in, and thought about Myself.  And, I guess I was just MAD.  Like this is long after the fact, right?

So yesterday, I went into "abused child mode."   Just fell off the cliff.  That's when all the trauma and grief and pain I experienced in my family of origin comes washing over me.  I suddenly plunge into "little girl mode,"  I can't think or act like an adult, and I do stupid things.  The stupid thing I did, btw, was start empathizing with the N.

I also got mad, and felt justified in spamming her a few articles about Narcissicm.  She did afterall try to TAKE MY HUSBAND FROM ME.
 I may have also used her email address to sign her up for some "get in contact with a Therapist" type stuff.  It is all sort of a blur.

I really have no excuse for doing any of this, like I said, i was doing so well....then, I regressed.

It sort of blew up and I was forced to tell my husband what I did, and he laughed and said "she's hurting, don't contact her in any way shape or form!"  LOL

I am laughing about it today, but it really was a rough night.  I didn't sleep at all, had SUPER high anxiety, and started fantasizing about running away.  I was literally my "little hurt girl" self.  There I was back in the family I grew up in thinking "I'm pretty sure the nurses switched me at birth, because my family is SO MEAN, and I can't belong to these aliens, they are SO MEAN and hurt me, and I want to run away!"  (I did btw do this a lot as a child).

I read this article this morning and it helped:  ".....people who described feeling humiliated said that they felt “wiped out, helpless, confused, sick in the gut, paralyzed, or filled with rage. It was as if they were made small, stabbed in the heart, or hit in the solar plexus. Usually, they felt themselves flushing and wished they could disappear.

PHEW, it feels good to get this off my chest.  I feel like a normal human being, just making mistakes.  Just being human....Not some expert super healed person who can never be hurt by an N again.  (really who was i kidding?)

bean

[lighter]

bean2:

Your childhood trauma is popping up... that's natural, don't you think? 

When that happens, your biochemistry is hijacked... you literally lose access to your frontal lobe, problem-solving, logic, creative brain.  You dwell in your emotional/fight or flight reptilian brain and no amount of thinking can get you out, IME.

Thinking actually makes it worse, IME.  Then we're ashamed and feeling out of control and judging ourselves.   Feeling better is easier when we embrace ourselves with unmittigated self compassion and curiosity, rather than judgment.  That's my experience, anyway.   

WHen you feel that way in the future..... consider reassuring your younger self.  Let her know you have her now.  You're going to do what needs to be done to care for her.  And breathe.... slowly.... filling your lungs from the bottom to the top, like a vase.... push out your belly button..... breathe and focus on that to get control of your biochemistry again.  WHen you're in fight or flight,  your brain releases chemicals.... to fight tigers!  That's not what you need right now. Nope nope nope. 

Breathing slowly..... calmly.... focused completely on breath, sans judgment.  Your brain will KNOW you aren't being chased by a tiger when you get control of your breathing, IME.  It's a game changer, IME.  You can't be chased by a tiger if you're breathing is calm.  It's like sneaking underneath your fight or flight system and unhooking it.  Amazing!

THEN you have access to higher thinking.  Then you can think your way OUT of the the decisions you wish you didn't make.  You gain the ability to pause and respond, rather than knee jerk react out of a child's fear, guilt, shame, unprocessed trauma, kwim?   

I'm so happy your DH laughed when you told him you'd been contacting his dd. A sense of humor will go a long way in helping you through this chaos,  IME.

If any of this doesn't make sense to you.... that's OK.   If it does, I'm glad.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Hi Bean,
A small favor? If you have a link to the article that described what's below, I'd love to have it to share with a friend who's going through some feelings of humiliation, triggered by similar history.

".....people who described feeling humiliated said that they felt “wiped out, helpless, confused, sick in the gut, paralyzed, or filled with rage. It was as if they were made small, stabbed in the heart, or hit in the solar plexus. Usually, they felt themselves flushing and wished they could disappear.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's very hard to hold boundaries when you're in trapped baby weasel mode. I hope you'll find a way to do impulse control when you're tempted to advise her, or advise him.

I can't imagine how difficult it would be to maintain restraint right now. But I do think it would help you contribute calm to a pretty fraught scene.

Good luck and keep posting!

Hugs
Hops

[bean2]

lighter,
Thank you for reminding me to Fight for my little girl self.  She is my best friend, afterall.  She fought for me so many times before, what's one more slaying of a tiger?    LOVE LOVE LOVE that analogy
 
Breathing, I need to remember that.  I was thinking of Running, running, and running!  ever get a runner's high?  kind of makes sense.  How to get away.  Of course, when you run, u gotta breathe right?  so symbolic of healing and fight.  The right kind of fight.  The kind where I fight for me.  Thank you lighter, your kind words are helping me so much, to remember the important stuff, and all the work I did to get here. 

My husband and I are reading this book together:  Wired for Love.  It is actually about helping your partner heal.  And that we come to the table, not quite "OK" or "whole" and that is OK, because our partner can help us with that.  Kind of strange, I spent so many years fighting for my core self, sometimes at the detriment of any other relationship.  I hope it works.

Today I told my husband I am posting to this site again, and he was like "what, I didn't know that."  I said, yes, where else do you go when you have to talk about all this uncomfortable stuff and no one else gets it.  I'm not going to strike up a conversation at a party with anyone we know about this.  Most people do not get it.

He said:  I think you're wrong, I think most people are hurting, it is more common than we know.  perhaps 


Hops,
Sorry, should have posted a link, it is https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201710/7-ways-respond-when-someone-shames-you


(((((lighter))))) ((((hops)))))))))))
bean

[lighter]

bean:

What I loved about your last post was....
it was focused on you.

I think that's exactly where it should be. 
 
Well done. 

Little reminders.....
Be present with young you, adult protective you, the you who can breathe yourself off the ledge and the you who runs and runs to be able to breathe calmly again.

Sometimes I just can't focus on my breath.... I have to push on walls or walk backward around a trash can.... DO something, bc being chased by a tiger doesn't allow me to calmly breathe when I'm trapped in my survival mode.  Most of the time I can shift my breathing and just DO it, but it's good to remember.... sometimes we have to ACT before we can shift focus to the breath.

And through it all we try to remember.....
complete and utter self-compassion....
laser-focused, non-judgmental attention on what we feel in the body....
embrace everything with curiosity......
and listen for what comes next.

I'm glad you came back to the board: )

Lighter

[bean2]

just wanted to say I'm still here, just been focusing on me.  no new news on the step-daughter front

bean

[Hopalong]

So glad you are here, and being loving to the little girl inside you, Bean.
That's wonderful. Actually it's huge.

I get the feeling you also have a wonderful husband:

I think most people are hurting

Flat-out empathy. It was lovely to read about him saying that.

hugs
Hops

[bean2]

OK, tough day for me, I need some reminders to take care of the little girl Bean

long story short, my husband met with his oldest daughter today

she's not ready to see me, she is still mad at me and is talking to her sister everyday.

I guess we know where she stands

ugh

I am having serious abandonment feelings and anxiety like a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10

Also, thinking something is wrong with me 

what do you do to soothe yourself when the world seemlingly feels like it's crashing down?  and I know this would be a good time to try mindfulness!!

bean

[Hopalong]

I'm not saying these are good ideas, Bean...but an honest answer to what I do is:

--more escapist TV (often on dark subjects like crime documentaries, for perspective)

--drink another beer (and I'm at my heaviest so that's clearly not brilliant)

--take ashwagandha

--talk babytalk to my pooch and get in touch with how good loving feels

--call a friend who's able to listen to distress

--make an extra therapy appointment if I'm really spiraling

--come here and vent over and over (which you're doing....good!)

I'm sorry you're feeling caught in an emotional storm and hope it soon passes.

Hugs
Hops