No Subject

[Hopalong]

Hey Boat, POSH (love Posh)--

How are things going now? Anything changing, in either direction?
Miss having your voice pipe up.

If you feel down, grumpy, out of shape, stressed or disoriented....you're normal.

I think I've watched every YouTube I can think of. More animal video hunts.

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

I'm okay Hops. Overwhelmed with work, isolated, but fine.

[Hopalong]

Glad to hear it, friend.
Whew.

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

Last week of semester and I'm going to bomb/fail some of my classes. The previous semester the grades came back as straight As but this round I am so behind and there is no way so much magic can happen in such a short amount of time. I shouldn't even be here writing this. I'm calm and clipping my fingernails but earlier today I woke up from a nightmare, wasn't feeling well and then when I tried to lay back down I had a total racing heart. It was raining outside so I didn't get out for a walk and now here it is dark again and I'm drinking coffee at night feeling like I'm undecided about what to do with my time this week. I'm overwhelmed, I always have anxiety and depression of varying degrees that come and go. Anything I could say sounds like an excuse. So I'm anticipating there is going to be some major self loathing and then I will quietly walk away from this mess and I will have EFF EWE SEE KAY -ED up the whole scholarship situation because in reality I am not a high functioning human being and I never have been. I don't want sympathy I just want to be able to think about whatever thing is going on that feels out of control. I'm an adult but here I am having a panicked student moment. It's not that I don't care, I really am mentally slow and I feel like I should be able to just acknowledge this. I've not been a high functioning-rat racing-producer. I'm not some academic genius, if I hadn't freaked out and somehow been able to work through stuff I probably would have been fine but I did have moments where I procrastinated and frankly had some legit concentration and focus issues. I feel so anxious I don't want to do anything right now. This is the clincher. I wonder if I am going to be pressured into saying something like that to the scholarship people when they ask me what went wrong. In some ways it is technically protected health information and none of their business if I am anxious or depressed and even if I say those words it's a vague can of worms that nobody can ever respond to. If there is any chance that I can salvage the scholarship situation I guess I better make up some crap that doesn't use those words. I can pretty much anticipate that it won't matter what I say. Some people are saying it's hard to spend so much time online and I would agree, I feel like I've fallen into a mental world that doesn't really exist "online education land" or whatever. Suffice it to say maybe I have emotional problems or intellectual problems, really if I don't feel panic then often I can work through something but I don't know even, perhaps I'm burnt out whatever that even means. This feels like driving a car that is going way to fast and everything is now just one big blur. I can't pick out any one thing to focus on so here I am wanting to just stay here and write so I don't have to make any decisions. All the decisions right now seem like shit decisions. I get discouraged easily and it feels like a physical impediment sometimes, that is so hard to explain to anybody and really I don't want to explain it to any paper pushers that really don't care. I also don't want them trying to "help" me with something they don't understand. The last thing I need is time consuming phony solution to whatever my issues are. 

I may just have to end up telling myself well this was bad luck. I feel like all people could do is just pressurize me more. At no point did I reach out to my advisor because he seems so competition oriented and if someone fails I don't think there is much help for it. The work that I submit I end up doing fine on but there is also a lot of work that I simply haven't completed. It almost feels like there isn't much room for learning anything whatever that means right now, there is so much information and I couldn't keep up with it. I'm not sure what to even think or say at the moment. Out of seven classes that I've had so far at this school, only one instructor had a live interactive lecture. Maybe it doesn't matter really but I think I am also suffering from social isolation that is difficult to put into words, it's just a feeling of low enthusiasm and low motivation. Strange I mean I am motivated I am but I don't feel motivated. I am but I am not. How can I say that to anybody and maybe it won't matter. I could potentially just tag on one more semester at the end of my program and try to re-do some classes and cover it with financial aid but I think my GPA will probably be so bad this semester it violates some performance contract I signed.

Maybe it isn't worth the stress. The stress no doubt comes from trying to control an outcome that I can't control. I can't even control myself all the time and it's exhausting to feel so much pressure to do something that just isn't happening. I had a few weeks where I was low and slow and it's screwed me over.

Fear of Failure sounds like some BS psychobabble but I'm wondering if it's really legit and if that is part of what I am experiencing along with my regular anxiety and depression etc. Am I dumb or neurotic or a combo of both to varying degrees. Also at this point I'm not sure if it matters how I measure these things. Fear of Failure sounds like some first world new age contrived problem BUT what is this really. IS there something to it... I wonder.

Frustration> strong emotional reaction> can't focus

Or just can't concentrate and focus> can't make a decision or

Feel overwhelmed and do something else to avoid overwhelm

^ Those scenarios, I'm not sure what they are and how much it is a result of mental health issues versus intellectual ability.

I have a tendency to give up maybe too soon or at the wrong time because I'm not organized in my head. I don't know. Many years ago there was a class that I gave up on even though I was doing well for the most part I just wasn't doing as well as I thought I should be and so I didn't turn in the final project because i felt discouraged or I didn't care or who knows. I do these sorts of things and it feels like it is an emotional problem, not simply making bad decisions as other people might think. What the hell is wrong with me. 

Me last week of the semester "um so yeah I think I have phobias"  WTF or maybe I'm just a piece of shit lol. All about context and perspective.

[Twoapenny]

I'm sorry, P.  It's been a tough time for everyone; I doubt you're the only student who hasn't managed to get everything done on time.  You are definitely not a piece of shit, though.

I don't know how the education system over there works but I'd guess you could email course tutor? faculty head? someone in authority anyway - and say something like, "I've got x pieces of work unfinished.  Is there any way of getting a time extension?"  And just see what they come back with.  If they ask for more info then you can give it but I think most places are probably giving a bit more leeway than usual because of the pandemic stuff.  It would be a shame to not finish when you've worked so hard at it.  I'll keep my fingers crossed they can give you a bit more time and you can get things completed (even if not to your previous A standard.  Will the A's pull lower marks up?  Could still be possible to come out with something good even if the more recent stuff isn't great).  I will keep my fingers crossed that they can give you a bit more time and you can get something handed in xx

[Hopalong]

Boat, I am so very sorry.
I have been there (anxiety disorder plus ADD = deadline meltdowns galore).
I have more thoughts but since I can't linger until later, just one:

Go. Talk to academic dean or student health counselor. Ask if you can take Incompletes and start again. Don't forget they've seen you perform WELL.

Don't feel shame or self loathing; there's nothing to loathe. There's an isolated human who struggled with nonstop Zoom and had zero support system. (They will want to know this.) You won't be the first with a pandemic-isolation mental health crisis. Somebody at the school will both understand it and not judge you.

(Can't tell you how many times I had to go through that sort of thing. I think you can make it through, once you have more information about your options.)

Don't assume the worst until you find out.

Comfort, chamomile, calm, courage....anything that helps--
hugs
Hops

[Meh]

Hiya Two & Hops,

Yeah ladies, I know we are ALL having PROBLEMS of various sorts right now and forever, everything is more pressurized right now for everybody who had any emotional issue ever.

I've just had to write it out, sorting through words, feelings, thoughts, ideas, and eventually options.

There is a gray area with everything mental health. I may end up reaching out to a virtual therapist at this point.

[Meh]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cE4lpSFNFUE&feature=youtu.be

[Hopalong]

Excellent idea, Posh.

Sorry I didn't get back but re-reading, I think those were my best ideas, such as they are.

You deserve a therapist, an advocate, a caring ear with understanding about what makes us tick or tock.

You deserve to be your own friend.

Will be very ready to hear how it goes, blow by blow or however you want to describe it.

Hang in. You are alone but you're also NOT.

hugs
Hops
PS Saw the YouTube too late, did everything he was annoyed about!

[Meh]

I'm logged in because my computer logs me in but I've forgotten whatever my password is and the email is old I have no access to it anymore. I guess maybe I will need to fix this at some point. I'm so lazy. I really can not manage all my passwords anymore but I do not want to get a password managing app because again technology gone awry. I should probably clean up my technology life too at some point. I've got two school emails, two personal email accounts. Old email accounts that I let go wild and I won't even bother to ever log into them again.

[Meh]

I'm a bit too pooped to care much for writing but here I am. Often I tell myself that chasing the idea of happiness all the time is nonsense and I sort of accept the idea of depression as a way to cope with it. Instead of trying to fix it, conquer it, fight it, control it whatever, I came to a mental frame of mind that I would accept whatever it is even if it meant I wasn't functioning as great as other people perhaps, who knows. I do feel slow at times. Today I was thinking about how I have put the idea of doing things JUST TO BE HAPPY out of my mind, like I don't have time for it, I don't have energy for it, it's not a priority. OF course sometimes it's hard to define all of this. Still there is kind of a messed up psychology of doing stuff, fixing stuff, problems, all of this taking precedent over being happy, in some ways it does. Not sure if I am articulating anything here. I guess I finally just noticed that sheet I'm not happy at the moment. But also people can become used to being unhappy I think. Even the word happy sort of sucks as it's not well defined I guess.

Well I guess I should also say I'm not chasing the idea of being happy, maybe I'm not even TRYING to be happy ever. It's weird timing in 2020 to talk about being happy. There should be some moments though when maybe people can be happy. I mean I've got problems but is there a good reason for me to be unhappy I don't know.

I'm here randomly to babble I guess. I've lost track of the significance of time. I feel frustrated with time. I dislike the feeling of rat races and I'm not sure who it's good for other than employers.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3xa104bGVY

[sKePTiKal]

Practical suggestions:
YES, try to negotiate incompletes with your profs; YES, talk to your advisor; script-wise, say something along the lines of having a moment of being overwhelmed during the semester (without going into details) and simply explain that the getting behind on assignments just snowballed on you. I'm not sure what the terms of your type of scholarship is, but I agree with Hops - they know you CAN perform, so the worst that can happen if you ask them for help w/support resources would be a "sorry, no, we don't do that".

You are not BAD, not necessarily depressed & anxious - beyond your control, because you're struggling with things at the moment. Everyone I know - including me - is struggling with things. It's all relative, dear. That's the problem with labels; they don't describe degrees of a thing - you either are or you aren't.

Everyone in an academic situation, including faculty & staff, have a degree of "fear of failure". Students worry over grades, completing work (you'd be surprised how many incompletes there are every semester even when things are "normal"). Faculty worry over student/dept performances reviews. Staff are also subject to reviews. Seems everyone in that environment is being measured, graded, held up to some ideal standard which is NEVER clearly defiined.

Some of that fear of failure's usefulness, is supposed to be motivation. LOLOLOL. But there are ways it's counterproductive. I know my way; you have yours. It's time to take your lemons, and make some lemonade. And then DRINK it... and enjoy it. It's not going to make you happy all the time (such a thing doesn't exist) but it WILL make you happy and relieved to have dealt with the current situation constructively - obstacle was bigger in your imagination than reality - and clear that obligation and move on with simple joys. Daily doses of this or that, that you enjoy. At least for a little while.

IME, happiness is a state that simply happens to a person. It lasts a moment, a day, a week... it MIGHT be related to something in concrete life; it might be you simply let something go and now the sun is shining and colors bright... but it doesn't HAVE to be. There is no science of happiness. No system that works for everyone. Playing with rocks - heavy as they are - makes me happy. But not everyone enjoys physical work.

My definition of "happy" is usually more like contentedness, relaxed, working in the "flow", or having accomplished something that mattered to me; that I WANT. And I've slowly trained myself to take care of the things I dislike or make me uncomfortable, as soon as possible, as efficiently as possible... so I can go do the things I like or need, to take care of myself.

You're learning, even when you don't think you are.   Fret not; this will all be OK and you'll get past it.

[Meh]

Thanks Skep.

Yes I guess I will tell them I was overwhelmed and isolated and leave it at that. I certainly don't want to use the wrong words.
 
There should still be boundaries in my life, the grant coordinators don't really have a right to get overly involved with me on a personal level. After all anything I could say to the grant coordinator she replies with comments that indicate she has no idea. Earlier this year I did tell her I was overwhelmed and she just replied "take breaks"

Everything starts to sound like excuses. There is a correlation between anxiety, depression and ability to concentrate. Maybe I'm just tired of feeling like I am being graded for everything which of course I am because that is what they do, it is starting to demotivate me though. It's all probably a cluster of stuff. It's definitely not bringing me any joy whatsoever if this was a Marie Kondo Moment, she would tell me to get it out of my life.

[Hopalong]

This could be off base or too difficult to do, but it occurs to me that maybe just saying "overwhelmed" -- although true -- has been popularized and overused to the point that people use it for just being temporarily stressed.

A vivid and bold description of the escalating anxiety and depression AND a clear description of how alone you've been... might have more impact than just saying "I was overwhelmed."

Would be good if a therapist could offer a clear diagnosis you can take to the school.

I don't know what I'm talking about in terms of your particulars or your limits or your preferences. Just flailing about for a bolder (I really mean balder or blunter) approach that could bring relief.

Doesn't mean it would.

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

Right.

One instructor emailed me and I didn't say a whole lot, I did use the words overwhelmed, socially isolated and anxious. I really don't think I want to get too personal at all. I guess I will see what happens.

I feel a bit uncomfortable with sharing a diagnosis with a school because face it universities have elitist thinking. But I also had that thought too, to figure out something official. A diagnosis was made before by a psychiatrist, I did take anxiety medications so many years ago. So it is somewhere in my very old electronic medical records theoretically.

Even mentioning anxiety and depression is a can of worms. I'm not going to do a deep dive into that right now it would really distract me.

I can't control what the advisors will think, do or say or how the school is really handling this stuff.

I've got the tendency to get fed up and give up on stuff and I know I need to NOT do that right now.