Cowboys

[lighter]

I feel like I processed through the cowboy drama.

Some FOG....
T believes cowgirl was trying to trauma bond......and that's just a very unhealthy place for me. 

Cowgirl is a grown arsed woman, faster, with more dexterity, than cowboy,  and ability to serpentine, if necessary.

She never really asked for my opinions.... I'm sure she'll have to do things the hard way, like everyone else divorcing an angry man with guns.

The important piece.....
 I'm feeling no FOG about them...today. 



Lighter

[Hopalong]

Good for you, Lighter. Bravo.

I sometimes think if I had any idea how many weapons are in how many American houses in the leafy neighborhoods I drive through, it could mess with my head. I'm sorry the Cowboy drama messed with yours.

Sounds as though the incident is resolving, and not in your living room.

I'm curious about trauma bonding, and how it works to set boundaries to head it off when you feel it coming at you.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

There are probably better answers Hops.

For me, trauma bonding is still "OPPs" - other people's problems. See, I think we do some of that here when comparing our experiences with others... and working through the trauma control of us, versus our control of the trauma. But IMO, the difference in what we do here is TALK ABOUT it, in a way that doesn't involve being smack dab in the middle of the feelings, coping mechanisms, acting out our reactions, etc. I've seen others do things like that - they need to temporarily experience total dependence in a safer place than their orginal time, or live with the scary things - and process it in the here and now HOPING to get to a different ending... and while I'm probably wrong for a lot of people, I think they just need to get to the "It's OK, that it's not OK" stage.

Lighter, I know the Cowboys are a worry for you. It's justified. But the probability that this situation will work itself out more peacefully than is possible, is pretty high. Even with intense anger involved. Most of the time, that level of anger is related to a form of impotence in the situation - to control things, change things, discomfort. Assuming a continued trajectory apart, Mr. Cowboy will transition to the next phase - and that could (one imagines) be many different emotions.

[lighter]

I was pulling up 2 bushels of sedum from front rock pile when.....
Retired nurse and nice neighbor drove up.  They announced nice neighbors selling home in the fall..... they're moving to a independent living place this July .....brand new....they scored a 2/2, much to their delight.  Apparently, they'd just toured the place and it has a theatre, maid and all meals provided.  I'm pleased they've decided and seem to be thrilled.

Retired nurse asked for some sedum,for her DD....
"who lost everything in her front yard, during the hurricane." I told her to bring containers and I'd share the sedum, no problem.

The nurse admired my huge hosta, and I happily showed her the 10 new stalks on one hydrangeas bush.... everything loves the sun at the road.....grows so fast!

The nurse pointed to her huge and magnificent hydrangea bush....from which I started my four bushes .....and she said ..
"Look at my bush .....I thought it had been diminished, but just look at it." Please note, it grows outside it's wire fence boundary every year.....and I take some of those outside the fence...she and I discuss it every year, but.....I believe her dalliance with the Yelly Guy has had her on the buddy focking path, with me, on and off FOR YEARS.  I get to decide if I continue letting it go OR do something about it.

I've about landed on.....
1.  Sending her the, very telling, apologies Yelly Guy stupidly sent me through texts...asking her that decide who's "story" lines up.....
2.  Asking her to correct her "Lighter diminished her hydrangeas story" and reminding her it's me who pays yard guys to weed eat her side of the creek...me who picks up limbs and branches daily from her yard, bc she can't  anymore, and me who invited her to easily blow leaves into my leaf piles....never mind constructing drainage for her, and planting my hosta along the entire side of her house.  Yes, the storm destroyed almost every one, but still......
I didn't "diminish" her hydrangeas, as she herself noted. (Remember when she said she decided she didn't like the color of moss?) and I built a little stone border between us, and didn't let her blow her leaves into my leaf islands, bc she also decided to stop using Preen, which meant she blew her germinated grass and weed seeds INTO my yard, as well, basically tripling weeding for me?  I don't enjoy living in that kind of conflict, so I went back to being lovely .... she's lovely to me face, but says awful things behind my back.  Just letting her buddy fock me, to our shared neighbors, occasionally creates a sneaky hate spiral.....I can shake....but it's circular, as of now.

I'd like to continue carrying on my side of a lovely relationship, but it sometimes makes me feel like a chump.

I can choose to:

Let it go? She's pretty f'n thrilled with me and her yard right now.

Or.....
Send, the the nurse all the Yelly Guy apology texts, and follow up with a frank conversation, clearing the air, for my part, sans expectations...then, continue being kind and considerate
OR
stop extending kindnesses and assume aloof neutrality from a great emotional distance?

Such a beautiful day.....our walked the
Cowgirl and her black lab.  My sister, the pug and I gave the lab lots of affection.  Cowgirl said cowboy was "on the he run, having failed the show for a TRO hearing on Thursday." She shot me a look, as I walked away......asked me to keep it secret.  Her look said she'd called me a liar to the nice neighbor's DD, which makes m want to build heavy Swedish shutters between us......
::sigh::.
I'm glad cowboy has been legally banished....that simplifies things.  I didn't listen when she said what cowboy did to terrorize her April 30th .....I missed it, he'd been arrested. 

::wrestling between options, again::.

::softening...::.

I'm gonna speak to the retired nurse.....
 the way I'd want her too speak to me.

Then I'm gonna release expectations, and accept the outcome, sans judgment, bc that's where serenity lives inside my body, yup yup yup.

I don't need to do anything re the cowboys.  That's a terrible thing......not mine to wrestle with.  If she talks about him disappearing to Mexico, to avoid service....she can tell her best friend, and I'll speak with compassion. As I'd want to be spoken to.

The house just shuddered....I think it was an earthquake.

Lighter


 

[Hopalong]

That makes sense.

I don't think I want to take empathy to that level, as I'm not strong enough to. But I do think Poet could be healed of hers if she trusted the T process and didn't use charm and intellect to keep her masks on. She did say she's had moments with him when she allowed herself to be vulnerable, and I believe her.

One thing I have noticed over the years is when she describes anguished dark feelings, she laughs. The particular feelings that come through are victimhood and overall helplessness. She often reports on fights with partner that to me sound so hurtful and frustrating, and then laugh. Although she eventually told me about the molestation at age 4 in Africa, she never laughed about that. But she never talked more than once or twice about being beaten in her first marriage. I believe on some deep level she responded to both situations with shame. And I think it's the shame that is her recurring trauma now.

I imagine that she perceives herself as also my victim now, which saddens me.

But. All this is an opportunity to learn. And I'm learning. I'm just fed up with some of the repeated patterns I've found in my own choices. I realize primarily that I've been still that scared and very lonely little girl, and have tolerated so much mean stuff in various relationships (including M) that a stronger person would have stood up and said NO to when it first appeared.

However. Very occasionally, but still for real, I have been asserting myself more often. Calmly. Saying what's true for me when another personality begins to overwhelm or try to dominate me. Or gets mean. Mean I've got little tolerance for. I don't judge someone as "bad" when I find a mean streak, but I do make tracks or create more distance/detachment unless they show some kind of awareness of or struggle with it.

At first I quail. Then try to pull up my knickers and face what's real. I still believe in a mantra that popped into my head during a self-sabotaging relationship years ago: Reality is my friend.

hugs
Hops