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Friendship Moments: good or bad

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Hopalong:
Only HERE would I tell this sorry tale! (TMI alert.)

I met two women yesterday, both in my covenant group, one I've known much longer (she's the pal who lets me pee in her yard if I need a break during errands). I'll call her Mary B. She's shown a touch of a bully side on rare occasions when she teases too much but I think it came from being one of six kids. I teased her back about it once and she apologized. She's generally very kind and loves the group very much. And has often told me how much she'd like us to visit each other often.

The other woman, I'll call her Patio, is relatively new. She's very cool and sophisticated and lived all over the world, but seems emotionally troubled at times. She introduced herself initially with great uncertainty and fragility and told us that "people don't like me." And said that to me several times over. So of course I immediately decided I would like her (rescue), and gently challenged her notion that nobody could like or understand her, and was very compassionate about hard stuff she was going through, which she repeatedly thanked me for. She remains generally guarded and I figured it's just some trauma she carries (grew up in multiple countries).

Anyway, I'd emailed her to see if she'd like a patio visit while a housecleaner was here and she mentioned that Mary B was coming and she thought I could come too. I checked with Mary B who said it'd be fine, did my errands and met them there. ("Patio" is a long story about her huge elegant patio that she talked about over and over because it was difficult to get done and traumatic because of a crappy contractor, etc. It is gorgeous and she's very proud of it, justifiably.)

So, when I have to be out of the house for four hours I obviously worry about/try to plan for pee breaks, since I'd need at least two. First time I found some woods in her neighborhood. Then we all were talking and drinking wine and I was beginning to worry I might be talking too much (race issues in this town, which I feel so personally, were top of mind) but it was generally pleasant. I think my spidey-sense was going off about being a third wheel in some way but I didn't tune in or throttle myself back as I should have. For whatever reason, I expressed real passion about the downtown developments that have rolled right over poor people of color, and she looked at me and said, "I feel anxiety listening to you and that's not the conversation we're having. We're talking about food and my flowers, not that." It was her cold tone. I felt exactly as though I'd just been told I wasn't socially appropriate and it was a direct launch to memories of being an outcast among females in childhood. Hit an ancient bruise. So I was in shock at her tone and my jaw kind of dropped and then she added "and of course you'd prefer to have this feedback, wouldn't you." I sort of nodded and suddenly realized I really had to pee urgently and headed off to my car to fetch a tissue before going into the woods and didn't make it. Just flooded myself. She said sort of languidly (zero empathy), do you want to borrow some pants? I said no, I'll just go home.

I felt doubly humiliated and so upset I cried in the car on the way home. Wow. Been a long time since I've had that vibe. Brought it on myself maybe, but yuck.

I'm just sorting through it because I'll have to see both these women again and I don't want anything to congeal that could be toxic to covenant group. I can certainly stop socializing with them outside of that. I emailed them both thanking them for the visit and said I was sorry I hadn't done better at "regulating my intensity" but that "even at 70, social skills can still improve! Love, Hops". And I haven't heard a word back from either of them. So I even wrote the one I'm closer to separately and just apologized for interfering with her visit with Patio.

What makes me sad is that neither of them reached out with any empathy. I would have, if someone had been dressed down by the elegant hostess and then had an embarrassing pee accident. I'd just have said, don't worry about that, I know it happens to everybody sometime, but I could tell you were upset. Just something.

Not.
a.
peep.

Feeling sorry for myself,
Hops

PS- MUCH better and healing quick. Talked to my favorite crone, veteran of more years of such groups than me...and we tore right through it. The host's tone triggered an inner "little girl who got expelled from the bday party and knew she had done something wrong but not quite, and peed herself on the way out of the house" -- feeling. BUT, that feeling was MY interpretation of HER and I don't need to carry it along. Did the best I could and talking with my friend, my humiliation disappeared. No more sorry for myself. I'll just let it come or go or flow and mention it to my T and it'll probably lead to some valuable insight or other. All is well. (I was feeling worried that this little fiffle might impact the group in some way. If it does then I still have options: schedule a talk with them both so we can connect in a healing way, let it go, etc. Nothing to do now but really, nothing (other than describe it to T and see what insights about early-Hops come up.) I felt big relief.

Twoapenny:
Hops, I'm so sorry that happened to you and can imagine that each incident alone would be very upsetting; both together like that is very hard to deal with.  However, I'm not as compassionate as you (sorry!) - they sound like a couple of bitches! It's not down to Patio pants to decide what can and can't be talked about, or to shut you down like that, especially in front of someone else.  "You'd prefer to have this feedback" sounds very passive aggressive to me and like she's getting you to agree it's alright for her to speak to you like that.  It isn't.  You're not at an interview; 'feedback' isn't necessary.  If she was genuinely upset by what you were saying (why she would be I don't know) then her saying, "would you mind if we don't talk about that as it upsets me" would be fine but she shut you down in a very rude and unnecessary way.  And the subsequent response to your accident and follow up emails is inexcusable.  I don't know what kind of manners they've been raised with but if someone comes to my home I look after them and make sure they're comfortable and I'd most definitely write back if they emailed me afterwards to say thank you for having them.  No way would you be crying in your car on the way home.  They are both on my arse kicking list now. 

There's nothing there for you to be feeling responsible for; expressing concern for other people is what we should all be hearing more of!  Who the bejesus wants to talk about food and flowers?!  You can see now why people don't like her :) I wouldn't make any more effort with them if there isn't a very nice email in your inbox at some point; you can be polite and not get involved any more than that.  Argh they remind me of the stuck up girls at school!  And some of the yummy mummies I've had to contend with over the years.  Sisterhood's a concept that's escaped some people, unfortunately.  If they upset you again I'm coming over there to sort them out!!  I hope you feel better soon, there's nothing there that you've done wrong.  They both need to give their heads a wobble. xx

Hopalong:
Tupp, you are the BEST.
Talk about having a tiger on your side!

Thanks, hon. (((((((Tupp)))))))

big hugs
Hops

Hopalong:
The one I've known quite a while responded to my apologetic email and said: I love spending time with you, you didn't mess up my visit at all you just changed it, and when can we get together?

What a healing feeling.

I just think I'll be cautious going forward about the other person, because I don't think she knows how she sounds or seems sometimes. I don't have to ruminate on rejection and I feel better. I'll just mentally send her kindness. But not expose my belly, so to speak.

Thanks for listening. Such a early-life trigger-thing to process but it surprised me how strong it was.

hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
You are so much nicer than me, Hopsie, I'd still be fuming.  You send kindness vibes and I'll send "get lost, dumb arse" vibes :)  Lol.  I'm glad you're feeling better xx

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