Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Friendship Moments: good or bad
Hopalong:
Both those quotes CLANGGGGG true!
Thank you.
A lot.
lighter:
LOL..... my first sentence in that last post! Can you tell I'm double tasking like made?
Hee
Meh:
Not sure what is going on here. I only pop in on occasion and I guess I don't keep up with the long convos.
Something that came to my mind is there was once a service for free phones. They are basic but hey it's a cell phone because it's considered a basic need. I guess I know this because I'm "trashy."
I used it years ago. It works and it seemed easy from what I recall.
https://www.assurancewireless.com/help-center/faqs
Hopalong:
Mouse, good to hear from you.
Resourceful people find whatever resources they can.
Good for you.
You ain't trash!
hugs
Hops
Hopalong:
Well, I'm disappointed in myself but thinking clearly about it.
I have been getting SOOOO excited about Poet's visit for my bday. Still looking forward to it greatly.
But I just slipped back into FIX-her mode when I got a long email. Her emotionally-abusive partner is obsessed with rescuing his unstable, violent, alcohol-addicted (to the point of nearly dying) felon son, who needs rehab again but whose insurance won't cover it, and who has literally stolen from his father over and over. She has long told partner that the son may not come to their (in her name) house. But lately partner's obsession has ratcheted up more and more (son's coming out of a psychiatric hold at hospital) and he's pressuring her to let the son stay there "until we find a rehab" and she's freaked out. Doesn't want him there but partner's telling her she is evil and selfish for not welcoming him, partner has the right to invite him, etc.
So she wrote me saying she would leave her home and go stay at her daughter's but is afraid of thefts and also of the son finding her financial info while she's not there and stealing money from her too. The kicker was her telling me that she feels like she's shaking inside, can't sleep, and then saying What should I do????
I think this all reminded me of my huge drawn-out struggle with M that culminated in a stroke. I actually fear for her. So I jumped into research mode and sent her a bunch of resources and advised her strongly (she DID ask) to end the relationship. (Her thesis is that she CANNOT be alone -- even now living 10 min. from daughter.)
Then, like clockwork, came the clean-up email: Well now I've talked to him so he's backed off the demand to have his son come, and if he doesn't comply he'll have to leave, etc. Now that I've talked to him he understands it, etc. A variation on countless times she's said:
--I explained it to him and he understands it now
--I can see he's realizing the situation
--He's not going to enable his son any more
She has a delusion that if she INSTRUCTS him enough about HIS codependency, she's in control. She never is, he never changes, he never stops resorting to emotional cruelty toward her when he's upset. Which he often is because he's afraid his son will die. I have compassion for his dilemma because I went through the exact same thing before I let go of my D.
Meanwhile, it's obviously very codependent of me to keep trying to help her. Her cleanup-email #2 was about how she hopes her daughter and I both see how tough she is. (When she wrote an epic description of how vulnerable she feels, my trigger....)
This is a big vent but the good news is that: I recognize the pattern. I am committed to a healthier friendship. I will continue to try to keep my balance if/when she loses hers. It's sad and difficult but she's worth it to me. Close friends aren't a dime a dozen. Close friends who are also poets are like dinosaurs.
There's a part of me that's not only annoyed with myself for lapsing, but also with her. Her crisis-messages are heartrending, but I can handle that. But the clean-up messages are an irritating blend of denial and more delusional "I'm back in control now because I 'won' this round and told him XYZ..." none of which I have any faith in whatsoever.
Arrrgh. Thanks for listening. I'm at least glad this was a one-day/one-night round of relapse and that I am not confused about what happened. With her or myself.
hugs
Hops
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