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Friendship Moments: good or bad

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sKePTiKal:
Looking in from way outside, without any contextual references...

I had a flash on what's going on with your friend. It sounds like she doesn't respect her own perception/feelings about her situation; doesn't feel she's WORTH making life changes... and when she gets her "fix" of morale cheerleading, can happily continue within the same cage she built for herself. In essence, she's using "fixes" to build up a savings account balance to finally have enough self-respect to honor her own wants/needs.

It was just a momentary flash of seeing. Could be 1000 miles from reality or the truth.

-------------

On another note, there is a limited release movie on Prime called "Women Talking" that Hol recommended to me, that I did watch... and am still processing days later. It's hard to watch for anyone who's been assaulted or in an abusive relationship BUT, it's worth sitting with those women "talking" about their options. B kinda ignored the movie, until I got angry over it. Not entirely sure what made me feel angry... or hopeless at the end of the movie. It's a deep reflection/fantasy experience I think.

Hopalong:
I was a little horrified by the whole exchange, ((((Amber)))). I thought I'd fixed me.
Her cycle of abuse/crisis appeal/minimizing followup/strangely happy right afterward. Then my cycle of horror at abuse/way too much "help"/deflation over her denial "cleanup"/drained.

I think we've identified it as clearly and openly as we can. I do not want to spend more years with an unhealthy reflexive response; this is an opportunity for me.

One article on CoD I read said something interesting: while one needs to recognize that over-the-top "help and rescue" can come from a big heart, it also comes from a big urge to control the situation. And that helps neither person. However, it's okay to influence, by being yourself and having the opinions/knowledge you have. It's a question of degree, I think. It's okay to OFFER help/info, but not to take off like a rocket with a crazy amount of it. And, any help offer needs to be clearly accepted before you involve yourself. Influence is not control. Nice distinction.

Your flash is interesting and makes intuitive sense. Her beliefs about herself are so deep that she's integrated them, and the plan to go directly to her D's basement to live if he leaves is based on not thinking even a year alone would be worth doing...is sad to me. But just fatalistic to her, since she views herself as a human who cannot function alone. Same time, she was pushing back against her self-image some yesterday, saying I CAN do it until the house sells.

I think I also echo a lot of her fears within my own life, which increases my tiger tendencies. Huh! Wild thought just hit. I wonder if one reason it's so destabilizing to me (my cycle) is because in an unconscious way, I've been formed by my mother's family and the child sexual abuse that took place in it. Never happened to me (just one incident in the back of a car when I was that age...an older boy directing me to fondle him, which I did because I was sweet and obedient) -- but my mother and her sisters had the incestuous father (dunno how much happened to my mother) and her damage ran all our lives at subtle levels, atop her narcissism. SO complex.

Anyway, I wonder if that kind of fear can be generational. Maybe in Poet's damage from being abused (not violently but coercively) that day in Africa at age 4 ... there's something of my mother's twisted psyche that I just sense. And rail at.

Huh. Well, back to my own bidness. But thanks for that flash thought, Amber.

hugs
Hops

Hopalong:
So, more stuff I've learned.

Lighter, you asked about earliest memory. I think there was a very early one of being left out on the terrace in a playpen, and crying, and our collie Laddie washing my face. A more vivid one was when my mother taught at the elementary private school and I attended 2nd grade there on "faculty scholarship". I was being bullied by a group of girls on the playground. I looked up and my mother was standing frozen at the edge of the area, watching. I had the childish thought that it'd be okay now, but she did nothing. (Later in life I thought about the memory and had compassion for her...she felt she couldn't intervene because...nepotism?)

My T thinks my over-reaction to Poet traces directly to my relationship with Nmom. She said she believes I was trained to be extremely attuned to Nmom's distress or displeasure and would feel panic unless I were fixing it, soothing it. That's true. Our entire family revolved around answering her constant calling out, being watchful of her comfort, etc. My Dad, too. She was never rageful or abusive but controlled us through facial expressions and manipulation. (I don't think she did this consciously.) I also think a lot of my hyper-empathy (which is painful) is inborn.

Lastly, I thought I'd use a reminder for Zooms with Poet. Three lines on a little note by my monitor: BE PRESENT. DON'T FIX. I AM SAFE. The T was very enthused.

Seems a little childish but I need a prop. Same way I needed "N.B. for no blurting" on my hand in work meetings as a way to contain ADD.

I feel as though I've reconnected with reality. The whole panic to fix is a distortion and a reflex from my childhood, which I don't need any more. Hated these feelings.

hugs
Hops

Hopalong:
Wow. Such a time and lots to tell.
Poet visit went overall well and overall brought us closer.
I learned more about her (early abuse, date rapes - more about battering husband) and she about me (mainly a detailed description of what it can feel like inside ADD brain). She seemed quite happy, spent a lot of time writing. Rained nearly all week which was too bad, but we did meet a friend downtown one sunny day and she was happy to be shopping. One difficult morning she regressed and shocked me by complaining at length that I'd been leaving her too alone... and I was baffled because I'd repeatedly checked on her to be sure she was happy, comfy and relaxed and she always said she was just fine. (And she'd already known about my delayed sleep phase issue.) Another time she got hissy because my TV wouldn't work, and said she always watches TV with her partner evenings, etc. I felt pretty exasperated but held my cool and just said I felt some hurt because I'd really put effort into making things welcoming and comfy. She backed down and said "I'm being too dependent, and childish." Couldn't argue there. A lot of her volatility was due to steroids, which she's taking for a horrid immune reaction she had to her 1st booster, after having changed vax brands. It's rare but conclusively studied (bullous pemphigoid). Sounded like misery and she may have to deal with it for a long time. But we got through that friction honestly and moved on. I felt both sad and relieved when she left but am glad we did it and would welcome her back again. I did learn I would not want to travel with her or be her housemate, just as well to know that.

Bday party today was just as heavenly as I'd imagined. About a dozen people came out of the 30-some I'd sent the invite to, but I was fine with that -- especially since I'd had to bump it a week later and quite a few people already had previous plans for the rain date. (Plus, I didn't ask them to RSVP.) I was especially happy that two of the poets in my workshop group came -- one from two hours away. It was gorgeous, the rescued farm animals completely delightful, and I took (and left) enough mini carrots to feed them all for a week. Cows, pigs, goats, lambs, donkeys, chickens...I was just blissed out. The owners of the rescue are an incredibly nice couple who have worked for several years restoring and creating the sanctuary. Hundreds of gorgeous acres but most of the animals (all very friendly) are in well designed areas around a central space and barn, so access was easy for oldish folks to interact with them. Cows and a few goats were napping together in the barn for a while and looking into the window opening at them was like looking into a Brueghel painting. Such peace.

People had a good time, friends enjoyed meeting other friends and I just felt deeply grateful, happy and content. Though exhausted. We did get rain after an hour or so but there was a wonderful covered deck off the barn and we dragged chairs up there. I love spring rain showers. Got a bit soaked but had brought an extra shirt to change into. Pooch got practically drunk smelling my jeans when I got in, can't imagine the aromas she detected!

Now it's time to rest and then start dealing with my absolute wreck of a house tomorrow. One step at a time.

hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
That sounds so nice Hops, I'm really glad you had such a nice day out.  There is something so lovely about animal snuggles, more so if you know they've had a crappy start and now they're happy and well looked after.  I'm really pleased it all went so well and with so many people, too!  Nice when such a number will make an effort to gather and enjoy.  I hope you enjoy your well earned rest now, too.

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