It helps people heal to grieve the hurt we felt from parents, Bettyanne. Without assistance or guidance, the way I coped when I was younger was to see myself as an orphan - no parents. Even with a Dad in the picture, often they're ineffective at meeting our needs or protecting us, because of the PD parent in the equation. Later, in T - that orphan status transformed into something better for me.
My mom's impact on me, simply wasn't personal. It wasn't anything specifically wrong with me that earned me that kind of treatment. So, eventually, I came to forgive myself for not being able to be what it was she needed to heal and be her "good mom" self. I don't think anyone could've done that. And when not taking all that "water over the dam" personally, I found that while there really wasn't anything to forgive her for - she was simply incapable of being what I needed - I really didn't have a "relationship" with her. And in away - that was coming full circle to the make-believe "orphan" status I came up with in my teens.
That time, it helped me get past (it was an obstacle for me; others say "let go") the intensity of the hurts. Granted, I still have residual anger about it; but that's mostly because I do remember a better mom, when I was much younger and what I'm now attached to is the silly hope that at 87, she'll have the light bulb come on and figure all this out for herself. I don't need/want an apology... I just want her to BE her best self. And perhaps this is her best self. Not for me to judge, is it? But I still experience her as extremely negative and blaming everyone else (even taking turns between my brother and me; and yes - even though they were divorced almost 30 ago and my Dad's been dead 10 years now; my Dad comes in for the blame too.) I suspect this is the only kind of relationship she can maintain, except at a very casual level. And of course, she wants a "confidant" or validation for her negativity and lack of self-insight about how she is and how others might feel being around that. That must be a HORRIBLE existence, ya know? So ya, I'm a bit angry still that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Not a damn thing - in 50 years I've not been able to get her to see ME, the way I am; what I can do. The only thing in her mind that makes her proud of me is that I left home the week I turned 18 and never looked back. (She is absolutely not interested in what that cost me in life experiences; me being totally unprepared for life in the non-PD world.) Everything else about me, she takes credit for.
So it's much better and easier for me to accept that we are never going to have a close relationship; never did have one, for that matter, especially when I needed it most. My D, Holly and I are very close... and we've worked very hard to do this in healthy ways - including expressing anger at each other and finding out that the world doesn't end; nothing bad happens because of either of our anger. Maybe because I had to bury so much of my feelings, I went out of my way to make sure she didn't. I made her a puppy pillow when she was smaller; Puppy Pillow had big ears to hear all her "secrets"... but only a small mouth, good enough for smooches, but not big enough to tell anyone else her secrets. When she was older and dealing her Dad's family stuff - I made the proclamation/rule that she could tell me absolutely anything she needed to say. I might get mad about it, but I would still love her no matter what she told me. I got angry BECAUSE I loved her.
And she still tells me everything in her head. LOLOLOL. Whether I can help her with it or not. No good deed goes unpunished. LOLOLOLOL. It's much less often, now that she's in her own house again.
Long personal story is meant to maybe show you some paths through your own "getting past" Betty Lawler, Bettyanne. Take what you can use or adapt and leave the rest. You sound like a really strong, resourceful, effective woman. And resilient! Think about becoming a phoenix - reinventing yourself now into who you wanted to be all those years go; keeping what you like about yourself and built, just as much as Bill helped you to... and "window shopping" some things you maybe put aside years & years ago out of need to be practical. DAYDREAM. Its safe to do so.
