How do I make the actual cutoff from my parents

[erinteach]

I am very torn.  I do not know what to do.  My parents are divorced but my mother could not pull herself and feel worth anything without my narcissistic father.  I am due to have a baby in ONE WEEK.  They are supposed to be coming here to see their grandson but I am such a nervous wreck when they come.  My father puts me and my husband down every chance he gets.  We are both successful professional people who have tried to deal with his berating and his arrogance.  He dominates every conversation and tries to pry into our lives so he can comment and make opinions.  My husband HATES him.  My marriage has been greatly affected by both my parents' insanity.  THey are both so crazy.  The excuses and the petty tit-for-tat arguments that occur are ridiculous.  I cannot take this anymore.  THe problem is my GUILT.  No one around me seems to understand NPD.  I feel like people think I am cruel and heartless to cut off my parents.  My parents are such an incredible toxic force in my life that I have no self esteem.  I feel depressed often and I want to experience the birth of my first child with my husband as a JOY! I don't want them around.  My mom is supposed to come "help" for a week.  I don't mind her as much but she cannot seem to stay off the phone with my dad when she comes and he dictates to her when she comes and goes.  I hate my father.  He didn't used to be so bad but now that I have finally realized how truly insane and dillusional and paranoid he is I don't know what to do.  Please give me some advice!  Help me save my marriage and get me rid of the guilt I feel.

[Mike H]

Hi erin (is it?), i noticed your message and i can totally empathise with your plight. It is clear that your parents are having a highly destructive and toxic impact on your life. It has taken me many years of confusion, guilt, pain and depression to finally admit that my parents are not going to change and that i need to take action to cut myself off completely from them. Even the smallest amount of contact and they would find a way to infect my life.

It is also helpful to remeber that parents are inperfect like everyone else and that what they say is not unquestioned truth. I can totally understand how you feel in regards to your guilt. However, i suspect that it is misplaced and i urge you to find a technique that will help you to remove this negative state of being from yourself. You don't owe your parents anything, if anything they owe YOU for all the joy and happiness you brought them and also for the abusiuve manner in which they treated you. I hate to swear but fuck them off! Your main responsibilitty is to take care of yourself and heal your wounds so that the subconscious garbage does not contaminate your other relationships. As well you have a responsibility to your forthcoming child which involves creating the best conditions for them. My own parents are classic narcissists and have caused me much pain over the years. I would not dream of exposing my children (when i have some) to their toxic influence, no matter how much they try to emotionally blackmail me. Like i said earlier, you have a responsibility to ensure optimum loving and caring conditions for your child, not to your parents. Do they feel guilty for causing you and your husband so much stress and pain? Do they even know or acknowledge? I know it is hard to cut off from your parents, because they are your parents, but please try to forget our societie's notions that we must always honour and obey our parents. Anyway, i wish you all the best with your baby and you should focus on enjoying the experience. Ask yourself, can i enjoy this special event in the presence of my parents? If not i suspect you know what to do (you don't owe them a damn thing). All da best, Mike H    

[Tinkergirl]

hi erin,

i have to agree with mike...please put distance (if not cut them off completely, which is what i would suggest) between your family and your parents.  you owe it to your new child...you will see the moment you hold him/her in your arms that your parents should never ever treat you the way they do.  i've cut off my horrible N mom, and in fact did it right around the birth of my first child.  i was called every name in the book from her friends, her family, and even some of my friends.  it is very hard, but you can't let it affect you...they don't understand and never will.  for the health and well-being of your child, PLEASE cut them off and be strong enough to put up those boundaries.  your marriage and your ability to feel joy about parenting will suffer endlessly if you don't.  you know what is best for you...listen to yourself and you won't regret it.  take control of your life and remember that your child deserves a calm, respectful, and loving environment.  don't invite anyone into your life who can't or won't comply with these non-negotiable traits.

[Discounted Girl]

Ain't it the truth -- others don't know and they never will.  It's a no-win situation to try to explain, demand understanding, and seek alliance. It is just not possible unless the other person has walked in your shoes or had a personal involvement with someone like you (i.e., your husband) and then it's still not the same. Anyhow, Erin, you have 2 and only 2 choices -- (1) maintain a superficial, cordial and phony acquaintanceship with your own parents or (2) cut them off entirely. You know the answer. The sooner the better, it will never improve and if left long enough the abcess will fester and it will totally destroy you -- those canibals will eat you alive. I know I am not stupid, but it took me so very very very long to figure this out. I cherish my children and we have a great relationship and they are my number one love, always and forever and they have my total and eternal devotion. If anyone were to hurt them, they would have to get through me first. But yet, I must have subconsciously thought there was something wrong with me that I did not receive that "normal" love from my parents, particularly my Queen Nmother. It's so utterly complicated and unbelievable to those who don't know about these parasites who feed off others but yet look like model parents and fine humans. Ahhhh,, bitterness, she is ugly and makes you old before your time. Dump the jerks -- maybe there is a slim to none chance that they cannot help themselves, but, you are too close and too vulnerable (as is your child and husband) to be able to help them. Save yourself. Take that baby and nurture it -- let the natural feelings emerge. That little angel will bring you such joy you cannot imagine.

[erinteach]

Hello.  I really appreciate the replies I got.  I had written a week before I was due with Caleb Thomas.  Well, now he is three months old! He is the epitme of a good baby.  He is just such a love and joy in my life.  My parents came when he was born and continued with their crazy behavior.  My mom was supposed to watch my son when I went back to work and ditched me the last minute because I had gotten into a HUGE argument with my Ndad confronting him on everything he is doing.  Of course I got the replies: "You make me want to puke!"  "I would have a good relationship with your husband if you weren't in the picture"  "I might not be the perfect daddy but I am the only daddy you got!"  He is such an evil man.  He has told my mother not to talk to me and is telling me that I am banning them from their grandson.  I explained to my mom (who demaded an apology from me tomy dad) thatI am not apologizing because I am not sorry and that they are going to have to come around if they want a relationship with me.  Hence, my baby is three months old and they haven't budged.. Good riddance!  The problem that i have is thatI continue to feel sadness and guilt.  I want my child to have grandparenst but I unfortunately do not have ones who I want my c hild to be around.  My Dad talks about EVERYONE behind their backs including me and he uses his money to try to buy things so them he can be a nice guy.  Since my other post he actually invited one of my husband's best friends to come up to my hometown and stay so he could borrow a hunting rifle!  My husband's friend knows what the relationship is like between my Dad and husband and he still went.  SO, that friendship is now over.  My father has so insanely infiltrated our lives that I am glad he is out.  But I did have a talk with my mother when my child was borna nd she said she was going to talk to my father about his behavior.  She kept putting it off and said she was waiting for the right time and she swore that he would never come between us (THEY ARE DIVORCED!) and SHE TURNED ON ME!!! After my fight my dad met my mother when she walked in the door and nailed her with everything I said and I am sure he lied and put twists on everything as usual.  She is such a pathetic woman...I could never imagine treating my  precious child that way..  I am sorry..I have been going off...I needed to vent.

[write]

it's a lovely time, first few months with your first baby.

"The problem that i have is thatI continue to feel sadness and guilt. I want my child to have grandparenst but I unfortunately do not have ones who I want my c hild to be around. "

I had the same thing with mine, but had to accept that no contact is better than damaging contact.
And life was a lot easier with no interfering parents, I tried to look at the positives as much as possible.
No there's no contact except with birthday and christmas and only by post.

You are grieving not only for the lost relationships but for the loss of what you would ideally like- what we all would- loving supportive grandparents for our children ( and loving supportive parents for us )

I made great strides with this once I accepted they aren't who I thought they were or wanted them to be, and no matter what I do or fantasise they never would be...it was letting go on two levels really.

Good luck.

[mcginnis40]

Hello erin,

Congratulations on your new baby!  Don't let anything rob you of this joy.

I wonder...have you tried to talk to your parents the way you talk to the board?  That is, have you said to either of them that the status quo is damaging to you and will be damaging to your son, and that if they want him in their lives, they have to make some changes?  Sometimes the threat of non-involvement with a grandchild can be a real catalyst for change.

What progress I have made with my mother over the years (and it's not much) has been through discrete behavioral demands--that is, "you're not allowed to berate my husband when you're in my house" or "you're not allowed to read my mail, and if you ever do it again, you won't be welcome here, and if you don't believe that, try me."  The idea that it's wrong to berate my husband and read my mail simply doesn't register with her.  I can only get her to behave certain ways by telling her that if she doesn't, I will deny her something she wants.

The down side of all this is that it has forced me to see that my relationship with her has little core value to me.  I'm not willing to kick her out of my life--maybe I would be infinitely better off if I did.  I just don't know.  But the boundary-setting, behavior-management type of relationship is hard and bitter work.  Only you can decide if that work is worth it to you.

Best of luck,

Joyce

[Anonymous]

You've done the right thing. Give your parents CONDITIONS under which they can see their grandchild. This is for your SON'S PROTECTION, not to punish them. If they don't like it, good riddance. You've done your job; which is to put your son first.

bunny