Thanks Amazons.
My steadfast friend, is very good at holding down the fort. She's done it for me, a number of times. She has a large family - and there are the usual dysfunctional dynamics at play there too. Not nearly as severe as what we've seen in our time, but still a real thing. I can't step in and substitute for mom; I know from experience that grief is a private personal journey; she has the logistics nailed down... it's the emotional that's getting her right now, and while she THOUGHT she had a grasp on that side of things too... reality begs to differ. And I tend to trip all over myself & get real clumsy trying to do more than just being a shoulder & listening.
One issue that is bugging her, is the denial of the situation by her sisters. I'm sure the whole range of real reasons for it exists in the 5-6 sisters. The brothers seem to her, to be more accepting of the reality. People have that whole continuum of behaviors pushed to the max by death. I remember being absolutely shocked by how Mike behaved - his public behavior would've pleased Miss Manners, but privately he struggled and withdrew even from me. And yes, I remembered that he was 17 and the whole trajectory of his life was altered when his Dad died.
D had been living with, assisting financially, and taking care of both parents. It's been 10 years about since her Dad died; we were both still co-workers at the time. She does have LPN experience and it kinda made sense - but another sister equally qualified hasn't been offering to give D breaks. D is also working a full time job and not getting a lot of good sleep... because mom has been up & down at odd hours. I know just how exhausting that experience is. And what it does to you emotionally too. There weren't too many people I could be 100% real with; Hol took the brunt of most of that. And D has been included in that circle long enough that even Hol & D can do this.
I had a premonition that mom would pass this weekend; D started sending me messages right after that. NO... I'm not opening my mouth. But I am trying to figure out what I can do - even gesture wise - until she's free to come out here and let Hol & I take care of her for a bit. Let her sleep 12 hrs, feed her, entertain her. She mentioned if it were warmer we could sit on the patio & talk... so I will keep checking in with her at least once a day. Maybe twice - but no more than that, so I'm not "something else that has to be taken care of".
Sometimes I think people's fear of death, is really fear of grief. I was way more afraid of grief than actual mortality. Maybe because of how it permanently changed my mom. Even as a child - death was a natural part of life for me. But grief - the terrible all-consuming uncontrollable inconsolable emotion - scared the living crap outta me. It really takes an awful lot of strength to let yourself experience the banshee side of that emotion -- it's not weakness at all to cry & wail. The truth is - most people come out the other side of that intensity more "forged by fire" and more indestructible. Resolute & resilient. It is a tragedy when it breaks someone; but that's not as common as I mistakenly concluded watching my mom fall apart - and like humpty-dumpty not be able to put the pieces back together again.
I think I might just do some local online shopping with same day delivery options... since I would definitely be in the way showing up, with a nurse, hospice & all that family there for Easter tomorrow.
