2021 Farm Log

[sKePTiKal]

Me too Hops. Me too.

Meanwhile, I'm going to try to make some more progress on my internal crap and because planting/growing is one of the triggers, it's a perfect time to shift out of the just doing it for the fun of it, then find myself unable to deal with the resistance, to the more intentional level of working at it. This is what "I WANT" and this is what it entails... and I don't have to make myself vulnerable to the old crap I've lugged around about it anymore. I really DON'T want to do that.

Since one of the other triggers is abandonment issues, I'm hoping to perhaps see where I can erode the underpinnings, lever that boulder loose... make some change there too.

Meanwhile, I am still committed to waiting on B; loving "us" the best I can in these circumstances - and while it's no secret I want more & different - accept that if this is ALL we're allowed by the universe, it still matters and is important. There have already been benefits for both of us. The tendency to impose my design/definition of "what things should be" often gets in the way of me seeing the things that ARE, that are valuable and precious.

There just might be some subtle conditioning going on that convinces people that relationships HAVE to be difficult, worked on like a complex "job" - instead of simply being accepted for what it is, enjoyed, and learned through understanding of the partner, and of course, reciprocity. And for me, and what I've observed in Hol's comments, is that this is extra, unnecessary stuff layered on TOP of what's already there... and actually distracts from seeing ALL that's there.

EVERY relationship is different from the next and not just in "type" - friends, parents, children, etc - and trying to match some conditioned pattern; a set of expectations in essence; in any given one makes for dissatisfaction, fear/anxiety, scorekeeping, suspicion, mindreading, feelings of injustice... and on & on. Not everything is going to be Cinderella Happily Ever After... in ANY relationship. Ups and downs; personal space & distance; and the return of the high tide are all normal rhythms. It doesn't necessarily follow that whenever old triggers pop warning flags it means there's a relationship threatening issue that requires an ending or even a pause.

Sometimes those warning flags are (for me) that there is an old issue I haven't resolved yet because in a previous relationship one of us DID end it. We didn't face it, talk about it, try to understand ourselves, each other... and give each other some slack for being human. We didn't bother trying to change - or try to. It gets harder to do that the older we are -- we're told. But my experience doesn't agree with that. Certain kinds of work/changes are much EASIER for me now, than when I was younger and juggling so many different things.

Eh... I'll post progress reports as there's progress. Meanwhile, physical work calls - and so does a cat who wants in.

[Hopalong]

So well expressed. It's wonderful how you can accept and value what is, without being disabled by yearnings for what you hoped could be. Test of maturity and you pass with flying colors.

I still battle it some. At times a lot. But I'll say more over on the R thread.

Thank you for sharing all this, Amber. It's deeply thoughtful and also brave.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Eh. I feel like I'm getting to old to just play life so safe, I never have any fun.  I do push myself on "work" projects plenty. (Furnace is just going to get replaced so it's it's one less "untimely" crash & burn/replacement or keep fixing it project. Rough estimate was a lot less than I'd expected.)

Today is struggle/explore/adventures with resistance day. My current workout is focused on core exercises - and sadly, I'm at the point I have to work up to the recommended minimum reps, so that's what I'm doing. Added some hand weights for upper back, shoulders, etc too... it's only a few minutes out of my day that I'd end up spending passively sitting on my butt. But I can tell already its helping.

And I MUST get the dirt ready - or at least find out if it's dry enough - to do the hand work in pulling out the big rocks. I'm getting some serious rock piles along the creek; probably not too smart because snakes like rocks. The rock removal and fine handwork on the dirt has to happen before temps get to the 80s. It was turned over last year, so it may not take quite as long this go-round. Plus I know my towing radius, too.

There is a shift in the equanimity at the Hut, between those two. The imbalance of reciprocity (for Hol) and lack of ability to communicate (S) - even on projects, nevermind feelings - has kinda pushed her to the edge of her patience & compassion. And his juvenile retaliation/responses to her seeking companionship elsewhere - primarily with me - which of course is blamed on her seeking said companionship... well, it's gone just a tad too far. She's in charge of dealing with that and I've done as much as I can - till she hit the point of realizing that he's been made far too comfortable - without being asked for much in return. She's accepting that he doesn't WANT to change; and doesn't care how lonely SHE is within the relationship and doesn't think it's unfair.  :rolling eyes so hard I'm looking out my butt again:

I've told her there's a limit to how much I'm going to listen while she talks all this out for herself, because all of it makes sense to me and her feelings are valid. It's time to decide and take action. Which is where she gets stuck. It's hard. I know. It's obvious to me, that as he's said - he's no good at relationships, because he doesn't even have a relationship with himself. I've never seen anyone run away so intensely from their feelings; put so much effort into it. Maybe it's real trauma. Maybe it's mental illness or a PD. The takeaway fact is, he doesn't want to change the way he is. Ball is in her court. And its so so hard for her.

So is the physical work I've focused on this year. 
Mom leads by example when nothing else hits home. The mommy-lectures have been going in one ear - ruminated on - and out the other, for so long none of this worries or surprises me. It's just tedious. Boring. She knows, too. So ONE of us has to get busy doing work around here... or nothing will get done.

Action generates more action.

[Hopalong]

Ahhh. I get it.

YOU are ready for H & S's situation to change:

It's time to decide and take action.

But, Hol isn't. She will be when she is. It's HER timeline. (I join you, pulling out another fistful of mama-hair. Ow.)

It's good to hear you ready to change all the lecturing and listening and analysing, which has hit its ROI limit for you. Doesn't mean you'll cut her off or shun her.

You'll keep caring of course because you love her to bits. But your own focus is re-shifting to taking care of YOUR land, YOUR life, YOUR dreams.

Good for you! This sound so healthy.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

This "taste" of spring is all it is - next week we go back to highs below 50 again. Yesterday, I got the whole big bed plowed - twice - to break up the clumps. The two of them started constructing a "duck hut" - so we'll have 3 "bird-o-miniums": Geese, ducks & chickens. Geese are already laying eggs. Today is going to be warm enough for shorts & flipflops.

At the end of the day, she remarked that he wished they'd gotten more done; it's 2/3s there - and she had noticed that they work well together. My only comment was "maybe you need to do more projects together". The good weather IS opening up possibilities for all of us to do more fun - and physical - things. The main thing it's different things that we did all last year.

The dirt I worked up yesterday was drier than what I worked last May. I was surprised I got so much done - but I have experience now with my tow-behind equipment and know the tricky turns to do the best job. Derocking for big stuff and getting out as many of the big roots (that I kept getting the plow hung up on) will happen next - then I'll run the disc over it from all four directions - and then it's all hand tool work. Meanwhile, since the temps are cooling off the early plants will get seeded this weekend. That's usually broccoli, cauliflower & brussels sprouts; I think I might add leeks to that too. Garlic, onions will come from purchased sets. And I can seed out peas, spinach, & carrots in the kitchen beds soon, too.

Vehicles need washed too; the Ranger definitely is showing it's "workhorse" colors these days. My poor jeep... mud season was unreal. But knees, hips & elbows hurt; Ranger was tired yesterday; and I need to check on how much gas/diesel we have -- I still have some bobcat work to do up here; they've been using it at the hut for a year.

[Hopalong]

WOW. It's wonderful, vicariously.

I'm ready to start seeds indoors if that's not too late, and direct-seed a few after I dump more dirt in the veggie beds.

Problem is, as ever, the Damn Back.

KUDOS, Amber!

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

You sound gloriously engaged in the world you're creating for yourself, Amber.   You expand, tweek and dial in your vision as you go, growing stronger, more empowered and sure of yourself.

I hope you have energy left to dance: )

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Dance? Maybe not for a couple days - but it MIGHT loosen up the lower back muscles. It was close to 80 yesterday and bright sunshine; I forgot the trees weren't leafed out yet and proceeded to clean out the kitchen beds in shorts & cami. I only managed 90 minutes of that, in the combo of heat/sun.

Note to self: keep working through the cool stretch that's back. Radio weatherman I've listened to for 30 years says there might be snow mixed in with the rain next week.

B had appts all day yesterday - to no avail. In fact, they tried to throw him back to the VA - who sent him to this hospital in the first place, 'coz they don't do the kind of treatment inhouse, that he requires. Next week, he turns the lawyer loose.

He's more than upset; I'm trying to stay detached enough from the emotional side of this to keep practical/pragmatic steps moving forward... it helps calm him down, and when he's not anxioius or upset - his pain levels drop too. Eventually, I'll give in the emotional reality... but we seem to kinda take turns and keep the other one going in the right direction.

Stinky has been getting some porch time outside now. It's kinda funny watching him turn into scaredycat because of all the new smells, feels - and it's where Freddy goes when the door opens. He hasn't wandered off the porch yet and I think I'm reluctant to let him run too free. He is just a very sweet kitty and a total goofball. I THINK Freddy will watch out for him and show him the ropes... but it's hard to know. Some of Hol's kitties are out - except the girls; they have one more appt before they can stay out - but mama is around, and his littermate Peyter. And the couple strays - or perhaps Gladys' cats, pure black tom and one that looks like Freddy's twin - except big green eyes. Both cats will still get fed inside - and be encouraged to spend nights in over the winter - because of raccoons and other varmints that will steal cat food.

Think I'm making my store run today... and see if I put the front door paint down in the other garage. There are several doors need touching up after the dogs have been here. Cold crappy weather for a week? I might even get the toe kicks painted after all. Hee hee....  when I told someone else about that, she said well of course I'd do this because any new person to the house would immediately zoom in on those neglected areas of the kitchen and immediately JUDGE me & my housekeeping skills on the state of my toe kicks.

It's absurdly hilarious, because that's pretty much X marks the spot; a direct hit.

[Hopalong]

But I doooooooo judge you, Amber.
If you ever invite me to visit I am wearing white cotton gloves and will get down to inspect your toe kicks even if it hurts my knees!

I imagine they will not only be dusty, but SCUFFED. The horror. Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk....

Back in reality I am so very sorry poor B is in this f***ing torment of a situation. I can't imagine how demoralizing it must be for him. AND you. If only, if only.

[Retiring to curse, mutter, and spit.]

Really. It's just disgusting. Similar to the scary WPost comments I'm reading today about elder care for those who are family-less and can't afford assisted living. I get this kind of fear and believe B is one lucky human. Hope he just brings his broken bits and comes to live with you, soon.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Well, I guess it's time to unleash the legal hounds for B.  A nightmare, but he's at the end if his miles long rope, it appears.

I also wonder about going to news channels with his story.....maybe?

A shame....the people running the VA should be forced to feel that shame and correct it, imo.

Tell B I'm praying for him.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I will pass on the commisseration & support youse guys. Yes, he's talked to two local news stations. They haven't run the story yet.

Hops, I'm sorry you're afraid. It's a valid fear, IMO. There are still too many personal anecdotes of horrendous treatment. When did we first start hearing about these stories? 30, 40, 50 years ago? Everything else is being regulated 6 ways to Sunday - why aren't these places? One suggestion, and maybe you've already thought about it - is to designate someone whose judgement you completely trust to be your health advocate. They can be separate from the standard POA. In my case, I've made Hol mine - and her highly qualified trauma RN step-sister as her backup.

I'm still managing to keep myself detached from feelings about the futility of B's situation. So far. He's upset enough for both of us and one of us needs to remain calm and rational. Life keeps happening on top of that stuff - and he feels like he can't catch a break. I don't know if I'd just be in the way or excluded from helping... and until he gets a definite yes/no on the status of active infection (and he has cancelled all the extra scheduled testing - he's been tested for MONTHS in a row and still nothing is being done) he's terrified about giving it to me or someone else and he'll let the lawyer off the leash.

His retirement is complete; just waiting on the checks from pension to roll in. VA status completely updated and complete. This is the last real hangup. And he's damned stubborn about winning - even though I try to remind him that stopping fighting isn't the same as losing - he's not yet ready to give up trying to fight the system. I can't make that choice for him; so I'm either in for the inevitable rollercoaster ride -- or I bail -- or continue taking care of myself with the clear knowledge that his stubbornness might just blow up his whole plan. I rotate through all those places on a regular basis, I think. And I take breaks from it.

Sigh.

The hospital is acting as if antibiotics are a controlled substance. I can't fathom any rational reason for their behavior except one really cynical one - and I get mad everything I "go there". So I won't.

[lighter]

I hope B has the chance to tell his story in the news.

Further, I hope qualified doctors step up and offer the best possible care, perhaps givibg interviews and opinions about the frightening care B's received.  This is important.  Everyone should care.

Ya....it feeeels like the VA drags feet, does nothing and half asses delicate medical procedures....like they're trying to scrape B off their expenses, Lord forgive them.

Whatever he chooses, I'll be pulling for him.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Me too, Lighter. Pulling HARD!

Amber, I do have a health care proxy but need to review everything. Plus, I actually want to designate Persons A B and C because at least one will be my age and it can be a tedious job. We don't all have the tidy end where we can just say "unplug me."
(Aphasia and stroke risk talking....scaaaaaary.)

BUT. I'm using your farm stories to inspire me to be present and just focus on spring right now. I spent a ridiculous amount of money today when I went out to the mountains to sit on my poet friend's deck and just breathe. I bought an enormous glazed pot for my root-bound peace lily and know just where it'll go on the patio in about a month. Plus, it is dark PURPLE. Gorgeous thing. Ridiculous too.

Keep on plugging. I'm really sorry there's so much worry about B. I'm glad you use your body to good tiredness and hope those rhythms are keeping you well and strong.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

That purple pot was an excellent investment in current wellbeing and future happiness, Hops!! I've been kinda fighting with myself again on permission to shop for myself.

In today's episode of "Another Day just like Yesterday in the Hills"... the decision of the day is to start seeds or bake birthday cookies for B. LOLOLOL. OH THE DRAMA....

isn't it amazing how little drama there is about the time change?? After all - nobody really cares what time it is, when it matters not what day it is... and we've been doing this for a year or more.

[sKePTiKal]

Well, I got some seeds started and the grow light schedule set... and couldn't find any cauliflower seed. I was sure I had some...

and today will be cookie day. So that tomorrow I can load the jeep with bags of junk mail for the recycling center, mail out cookies at the PO, and make a quick pass for some things at the grocery store.

Waiting on a call back from HVAC salesman about questions I had on my furnace replacement estimate.

Hol went into DC, to help a friend pack to move; meeting friend John over the mtn to catch up with him - and helping another friend & her widowed Dad start to purge his house this weekend. This is more her speed than what's been normal this winter. I suspect there's something else going on too... but until I can get her to sit down and talk candidly, it's just speculation.

Then I think I'm going to sit down with my shopping list and finally get stuff ordered.