2021 Farm Log

[lighter]

Amber:

Why can't you visit B every once in a while? 

To touch base....lend support an perhaps understand a bit more about what he's up agains as he moves through this process of closing down a life and starting a new one?

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Whirlwinds...

Deb & I started off the weekend, with quiet celebration about my one, hopeful idea helping. Planned to plant tomatos the next morning. And in the midst of planting - another shoe dropped and the panic went back to square one. Yesterday afternoon was more research, finding another ray of light... dealing with yet more back & forth stuff. I started off on another path; another idea while Deb worked her side of things.

Right before her mom died a month ago, what Deb had in her head as a plan was to buy her mom's house. Proceeds would go to the estate and her siblings. Well, her SISTER is the executor and without talking to Deb - who has managed the finances for her mom for years - so, without any real information - sister starts making decisions that are clearly perceived as antagonistic to Deb and her brother who's been living there and helping Deb out, in exchange for help with his situation. So sister is making decisions that are complicating things for everyone without having a full picture of what IS. And making Deb's plan of buying them out impossible.

So, Deb is still in the early stages of grief and now add uncertainty and insecurity about the status of where she's living. SIGH. I really sympthathize with how picked on and singled out she feels. The sibs have had years - and the months that mom was bedridden - to come discuss details; but didn't. And are now excluding her from decisionmaking, even though it's her & brother living in that house. It's an emotional piling on situation. She was quiet through dinner & tv time last night; went to bed relatively early. She's mentally & emotionally exhausted.

My new idea was the possibility of her buying ANOTHER house, starting new, no siblings involved and giving her time to work through the grief. We were online house shopping and I found two, for less money than Mom's house would require that also might work better (as far as maintenance & upkeep & physical demands) on her & brother. She can financially swing it, IF she can be released from an equity loan her name was on, coz Mom wasn't responsible enough to keep up with it. I don't know if that's possible; Deb's not associated with the mortgage at all. Despite having made those payments for years. Equity is now in estate's name and hers. Sale of mom's house would also satisfy equity loan - so there is a small chance she could be released from it.

So, overnight, I think she is starting to see that she's not really upset or so attached to the house itself. She has her memories of mom - and oodles of pictures. She is almost ready to start thinking about the potential and possibilities of not having to deal with the constant upset from the sibs. Starting to see that walking away from the house to a new location isn't as much of a loss - as it is gaining peace & quiet in her life, to work through things at her own pace and not being accountable to people that won't even acknowledge that she made it possible for them to have their own lives, without the time & effort involved in caring for mom. I told her it's HER turn to delegate the work to someone else. Because she CAN figure out something different that will be financially to her benefit - AND provide a whole new perspective on life. New opportunities. Once she's rested & ready. She'll look at two houses tomorrow.

In between all that - my stepdaughter calls needing information on how to protect grandparents assets. Grandma was in hospital, dehydrated, UTI, - and underlying dementia. She had to be sedated last night because she was violent with staff. Now A is the highly positioned RN at the medical center - but she was asking about financial stuff revolving around skilled nursing facilities, in home care, and medicare. I couldn't do much more than suggest places to start asking questions since I have no experience here. You can't exactly set up a trust AFTER you're aware of a need for a nursing home, to protect assets.

It's only Saturday and I feel like maybe I deserve holiday pay for the past couple days.  LOL. B, bless his heart, told me to tell Deb she and brother could come stay with us (if it was OK with me) until they get on their feet. And yeah, that made her cry again. They've never met.

Hol is driving back from city today, after sleeping post-night shift. She's tired; but as far as I know doing OK, even though she got asked to be acting shop steward - liason for the union, between crew and execs. Which is a good stepping stone for her, if she ever wants to be a sfx coordinator. She is highly qualified for that role even though it's taken a couple of us working to convince she'd be dang good at it.

I told B, that as long as he's handling all his stuff - I'll be OK here. I'll be talking to him in a bit  - there is drama going on in his life, but he's dealing with it. I don't have to know.

If one more person I care about calls me in tears....... aaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

I knew to expect "something" from this latest full moon/lunar eclipse. But this time it wasn't something I was first-hand experiencing. Nope; I'm supposed to advise & counsel the people it's happening to. It's mildly surprising, but I guess not unexpected. I am always anxious about if my intutions are correct; if I'm reading people correctlly - communicating clearly enough. If I know as much as I really think I do. It's other people's lives I'm advising here. WHAT IF I'M WRONG? And why do they assume I'm an expert?  Disclaimers are my friend, I think.

On the other hand - I show up when no one else does. I make good on my promises and keep the faith. I give where it's most needed... privately... in unthinkable; unaskable ways. Because other people did that for me, so long ago. I'm still paying it forward. To people who've been there for me when they didn't have to.

Some days, I'm terrified that the world is forgetting what it means to care about other people. To connect with them. A long time ago - circa 1969, '70 - a scared little girl in a new town used to frequent the neighborhood general store/deli. The tiniest little black lady owned that shop. Frances. The shelves were never full. But there was always a little of everything. She used to sell me cigarettes - "for my mom", who didn't smoke - and never said a word. I would buy lunch meat, baked beans, candy... she gave me an empty cigar box for a treasure chest... because after school I'd go hang out in the store and keep her company. Who knows anymore what we talked about?

The only time my mom knew we were even friends - was when Frances was sick and I was making her soup and wanted my mom's help getting it to her hot. The store couldn't have been 500 yds from my house. But I DID want my mom to meet the woman I considered my "angel" - where I'd been spending as much time as I could spare. I knew once Frances was gone... the whole neighborhood would change. Frances had been so kind to me and taught me things about life that - given those were the immediate, difficult, post-Twiggy days - I sure needed from a friend. My mom thought I was nutz being so kind to a stranger who might want to take advantage of us.



We didn't have anything to take advantage of then, either. I was just repaying kindness with kindness. WTF? Isn't that what one is obligated to do???? Yes, was a simple kind gesture; no it wasn't going to stop the cancer ravaging Frances. But SOMEBODY CARED ENOUGH TO DO SOMETHING.

It's an awful world when nobody cares. And I ain't tellin' those stories again.

[lighter]

(((Twiggy))) My heart breaks for the little girl doing what she could to comfort her ailing friend.  Twiggny recognized connection, kindness and the gift of being seen...... there are good people in the world.  Sometimes it's difficult to remember, but there are. 

It's true.  Our friends feed us.  We feed them. 

Amber: Thank you for sharing your stories. Deb is lucky to have such wonderful friends.  I'm glad B shares a similiar vision for helping her get through this trying time.

It's good to read Hol has opportunities and skills to meet them.  I hope she's excited and curious about advancing in her field. 

Sorry so many people require your attention... that you feel responsible for so much.  These things come in waves, don't they. 

Deb will figure her situation out.  I imagine your support buffers the harsh loss of mother, home and care she might have felt from her siblings, but doesn't.  I'm reminded of my T's words..... when we're really struggling, usually inability to accept what is...... is behind it.

Acceptance is important.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I do think people are losing connections, Skep, and that sense of 'my word is my bond'.  I don't know if it's technology, too much consumerism or just too many things that people can do that mean many rarely sit still for long enough to connect to anybody else.  Caring enough to do something is a precious thing.

I'm sorry for Deb.  Families and money are just crass, and I don't know any other way to put it.  Every time someone I know has passed, people have been arguing over the money before the funeral's been paid for.  Part of me thinks that inheritance should be stopped - everything goes to charity and then no-one gets to behave badly.  A friend's relatives are trying to turf her out of her house at the moment - her mum passed away and left her share of the house to her (where she'd lived for many years taking care of her mum as she got older and more frail).  Two other relatives inherited shares from grandparents many moons ago, the proviso being all the time a family member lives there, it isn't sold.  They want their cash.  They don't need it.  They're retired, their mortgages are paid off, they have second homes they live in for part of the year.  But they want it anyway and are trying to get the original will over turned.  Horrible stuff.  If only people were that willing to help out, eh? I'm glad Deb's got you there (and no doubt you will come up with some marvelous plan that solves the situation for her).  It's very hard to think logically when you're grieving.  Makes people vulnerable.  I'm glad she's got your back, but I also hope that all your people helping at the moment doesn't stop you getting your time for you xx

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks. I needed a bit of propping up. I think it was just the suddenness & coincidence of more than one person at a time seeking advice, and support at a time that overwhelmed me. Part of me knows I DO have the experience and strategic plannning ability to deal with most things life throws at people. But not even my ego operates daily from a place of being a "wise elder" yet.

Deb took a lot out of me - that I was willing to give. I think she DID start to accept there could be an improvement in her situation - by making a clean break with the past and exploring an independent (of family demands) future. That there were two parts to her discomfort - the actual loss of her mom, and the large amount of freedom in her life left to sort out. And then the rush to sell the house & lack of communication about the actual financial picture. I think some of that got sorted out last night.

I checked in with A and she did get gramma released to her; took her to A's house and figured she'd be up all night. Had a sedative handy if needed. She and her mom had talked to Granddad earlier in the day about the situation.

Hol made it back by suppertime last night; I quickly briefed her on goings-on; she was asking after Deb and I forgot to tell her about A last night. Fixed that this morning, since Hol woke me up 11 hrs after I went to sleep. Sheesh... at 4 am, I woke up from another significant "letting go" dream (HS sweetheart). And at 5 & 6, had to play cat doorman... made coffee and slept till 10.

It's only 3-4 hours AFTER so much people-activity that I'm able to sense my usual calm space around me. I managed to stay calm, keep my twisted sense of humor handy, and not let my own emotions intrude on trying to maintain a clear and objective point of view on what a person can known for SURE. (It's not that much these days.) Deb in particular was trying to speculate & mindread the sibs, and I kept reining that in. Told her - you don't know. Not until you ASK, and communicate. Because apparently they aren't going to ask, you have to take that initiative in order to sort things out. Her brother did that, because Deb is still on the ragged emotional ledge. At least I got her to sit down there and just use her feelings to sort out why all this is so awfully fraught for her, put a word or name to that feeling... and then think about what's actually going on. From her perspective. She can't possibly know what other people, including her sibs, feel. Yes, there isn't but one way to interpret their ACTIONS. But perhaps they are unaware of how that looks to Deb. And perhaps that's not really their intention.

I talked to Buck. He had his own situation going on with his D. So we debriefed and got ourselves unwound enough to feel sleepy. It helps me, just to hear his voice. Know he cares, know he's willing to accept the level of friendship Deb & I - and why - and adopt it for his, too; lending his wisdom and support.

It's just been a total whirlwind of people-activity from where I sit - and compared to the uninterrupted solitude that is the bulk of my life. (So probably appears larger in contrast.) Now, Hurricane Holly is home... and doesn't have to drive back till Monday. I know she's tired. But she looks a lot less tired this morning than when she dropped off the mail. We've gotten (Steve & I) regular updates by phone all week long, so I don't know that Hol is gonna require any mental processing time. I dunno if I'm up to it if she does. But I see the recognition of that "all used up" state in her eyes. She knows what that is for me, and has felt it herself.

The weather is cool, wet & gloomy. She might simply hole up in her hut-nest and rest. And I'm likely to do the same. Buck has been staging the equipment & stuff he's bringing in the next trip's load. And since it's been a month already, hopefully he'll get approval for the 2nd opinion doc appt up here and can schedule a date to drive & arrive. And this is Memorial Day weekend. It means a lot more than bbq and end of quarantine parties to veterans. I think I like the old folk name for this weekend - "Decoration Day" - better.

Oh - and since block for the shop was delivered and Hol's garage doors are up and siding delivered - I guess contractors will be here next week. I still have to plant peppers, but it's just a tad too cool for them right now. And the kitchen bed suffered - I might put some short carrots, bunching onions, and snow peas in this afternoon; and I COULD transplant the medicinals there, they've come on great this year - as a result of me focusing on the bed bed and trying to visualize where the small orchard and high tunnel should go.

[lighter]

Amber:

Maybe Hol needs to get  to the place she really is all used up....... without being propped up, and supported in sustaining things which can't support themselves in her life. 

::uncrossing eyes::  It made sense when I wrote it, lol.  Doesn't when I read it.

I'm unable to process yard and garden planting, but so enjoy reading about yours.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

((((Amber))))
Going to say this quick, and then go back and re-read the thread.

You are a Frances.
It's not gone. People like Frances and you not only pay it forward, but you teach other people how to care (who didn't learn that from TV or social media or absent parents).

These accounts of you and Deb, and little-you and Frances, are very moving and comforting to me.

Thank you for what you do for others. Thank you for what you've done for me. Thank you for modeling this ethic.

And lastly for now, an enormous YES to disclaimers. They protect you both, when you're advising. You can simply say something like (sorry, script alert):

There's things occuring to me about your situation, glad to share it...but promise to keep in mind that I'm NOT certain it's the right or only path to take. I just like thinking situations through, in case it might offer you more choices. You're the chooser--and I've got your back whatever you decide.

Just a disclaimer on steroids, but it (in your own words/way) might relieve the  anxiety (habit?) of feeling so over-responsible.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Think I'm going to cocoon today; maybe plant the peppers. It was cold enough to break out the winter coat over my sweatshirt last night; Hol turned the heat back on in the studio. I'll send her off for a short week back on set in the city; B does the same thing every year on Memorial Day - remember his buddies who've gone on before.

A brought gramma home, and with some remodeling, will stay at home with grandad and in-home care. Pretty sure A will make regular visits too. Deb looked at two houses; found 2 more... and is packing books. In other words, moving forward to SOME future which she can design to suit herself.

I can certainly mow again and plant my medicinal herbs in the kitchen bed, till I pick a more naturalized spot. Most of last years plantings are still coming back - so lavender, yarrow... moving some more vinca around to cover. But today might just be laundry, food & a movie. Hol said it looked like siding was gonna go up on her garage - the doors are up, but they still need openers installed. She hasn't said what time she's taking off today - but it's lovely here, and my guess is she's going to soak up as much "home" as she can before she prepares to tackle the insanity that is a movie set again. The shop steward position adds a little to the paycheck as the union waives the auto-withdrawal of dues while she's working in that position. It's not hard - for her; and she's very well suited to doing that.

[Hopalong]

I'm really excited for Hol that she has her professional work again.
It must mean so much, and re-establishes her independence.

Let's hope that strength gives her confidence and the luxury of healing when she needs to do that work too. I'll bet it makes a huge difference.

Happy cocooning day, Amber.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Hops.

It is good for her. She took the job, because it's only a 3 week commitment. It was an experiment. She hasn't worked for a year & a half, after the other series ended. Covid shut all productions down. Her boss died; and he was a "name" in the business with lots of experience & expertise. He was also a good friend. So she's working under another guy - she likes him well enough as a person, but he isn't as organized & on top of things as the old boss. So she and her co-team member have to step in sometimes. And that's only one challenge.

She's been talking for a year about giving up film/tv work and doing her own thing, so taking this job gives her a chance to feel out whether that's what she really wants or not. And yes, she does come into her own power doing this work. It requires a whole basket of skills to be good at it. Next question is whether that will transfer into her ideas for her own thing. Unless she sets goals for herself, it's not going to have the pressure or demands of this kind of work. So she's looking at that real closely.

Sounds like the coming week is going to be pretty easy, but they go to nights again Wed. And it's possible the last week will run over with reshoots - maybe. Her pride in the B'more crews is pretty evident and she works well with all those people. They try to go above & beyond.

She looks almost rested up this morning. Call isn't until 10 am tomorrow so she can hang out at home some more today before driving back in time for dinner and another good sleep. It probably won't make a lot of sense for her to drive back late Sat and spend the night and turn around drive back Sunday - but it's possible that's what she decides to do. I know Knuckles was happy to see her; he was pouting while she was gone and I wasn't an adequate substitute. 

The county is starting a weekly farm/craft market. I showed it to Steve. Lots of small farms taking part already. Hol & Steve are definitely on board with trying to develop the farm enough we can participate in outlets like that... so there IS an alternative for Hol. And she was asked to apply at the local butcher shop/local produce shop doing lunch preps. That will let her make some local friends and smooth a transition - if that's what she chooses - to farm wife role & artisan. I have had ideas along those lines too - just too many irons in the fire so far, to spend any real time on studio work. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel that should let me do that soon... or see how it "fits". B & I have ideas for metal shop work, too to collaborate on. And Hol can improve her welding skills with him.

It's been decades since I did any artsy production work, but I know what it takes. So that might rub off on Hol enough to figure her own process out and get started. Or maybe she'll stick w sfx - but that could very well involve longer term travel - essentially living away for 6 months - and I'm not sure that's all that attractive to her now.

[sKePTiKal]

Oh my. There has been the bare minimum going on with me lately.

Hol's got one more week of work on set to go (and any overage - her weather's been like here, rainy & stormy). B is still waiting on approval for his local doc appts. It's been over a month now.    Kitties are decimating the vole, mouse & chipmunk population. Unfortunately, they like to show off the carcasses to mom.

I think perhaps, I overused my energy. Night before last, I felt flat out sick. Dizzy, shivering - even with the heating pad cranked up, achy. And then thinking the worst of course. Slept fitfully. So yesterday my sole accomplishment was feeding myself and grabbing the mail from the day before. Went to bed early last night and waited out the unspooling of brain, to slide into longer sleep. Much better this morning, but not up for world domination today. And it's raining again.

So, my tasks have been piling up again. Sigh. But if I don't let myself get my energy levels back, and just REST... I'll just keep repeating this cycle.

Guess I'll get ready to jump in the car and make the weekly resupply run.

[Hopalong]

M felt just that way about 3 weeks after his second vaccination, Amber.
Big delayed reaction that precipitated a new (underlying) crisis.
Which is being managed -- he's still very glad he got vaccinated.

Just wondered where you are in that timeline?

Hope you tend your wellbeing patiently and without regret.
More old movies and resting. You've been in 5th gear for a couple years...
might be relaxing to you but still, you live in a body. It's tired. Rest happy.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I hope you're feeling better soon, Skep.  I'm always in awe of how much mental and emotional processing you do, alongside all of the practical work on the farm.  I hope the resting helps.  Sorry about the carcasses! Our kitty is older now so doesn't bother too much anymore but when she was younger I spent half my life releasing alive things over the field or burying poor little dead ones in the garden!  World domination can wait a while longer yet xx

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Tupp. I do feel much better. I'd had shrimp that evening and I'm suspicious now, that I might be developing an allergy to seafood, but I thought a LOT of things while not sleeping. LOL.

My friend Deb has taken a lot of energy (freely given) to keep her rational and keep her emotions from spiraling to panic and worst case scenarios and grief & helplessness in a split-second. She is, understandably, very needy right now. Yesterday I had 3 calls and multiple texts from her as she scrambled to deal with even more pressure from the family. Lawyer told her the same thing I did... I feel a little validated. I'm just letting her get her emotional moments out; the weight of them right now has to be horrendous - there isn't any point to expecting her to be able to do otherwise right now. I'd be a blubbering mess if I was in her shoes. The only thing I'm working on right now, is getting her to try standing up for herself - and not be bullied like this. The lawyer reminded her she and the brother that's been helping her with Mom, have equal shares to the others -- and the house can't be sold until it's out of probate. So, she's not going to have to live in a cardboard box under the nearest overpass next week or next month.

My instinctual reaction is to fight crap like that and I respect her differences. But she can say NO. And engage brain (which works fine between sobbing sessions) quicker and more often before saying anything in response to the "latest". Her brain is working just fine; when engaged. She and I have already determined that she's been singled out for scapegoating in this situation and there isn't any appreciation for the work involved in caring for mom the last 5-10 years pretty much singlehandedly - despite another sister being a nurse; or shared empathy and mourning at losing mom; and that as long as the financial share of the house is their top priority, "the beatings will continue whether morale improves or not".

Her only real option is to move out. And the market here is bonkers - both in prices and lack of availability. Both for rent or sale. Even on my side of the mountain. I hadn't looked much but since I have had good luck with all the online stuff and I know there's not a spare minute for her, decided I could help do that. Even bare land with no services is going for incredible amounts.

So yeah - I've had a lot of "outgoing" energy vs incoming. I had to ask B to lend me some of his energizer bunny strength.    He was making himself scarce while Deb was here, so as not to divide my attention.

As well, something huge has been coming up for me to be dealt with. I've known it was there for a long time; it's almost a delayed reaction to therapy a decade or more ago - the logical conclusion. Just started writing out my messy thoughts yesterday - so it's not coherent yet. And it's big enough to cause that kind of physical reaction too. Today is day 3 since the rough night... I've had 2 decent sleeps... and I'm definitely coming around today.

Hops, no vaccine for this grumpy old lady. Nor B, either. He has anaphylactic level allergies and simply can't. I know how freakin' (hyper)sensitive my body is - even to herbal things - so made my choice. I have no issues with other people making other choices for themselves. That's the way it's supposed to work. I have reservations about Hol being REQUIRED to be vaxx'd to work but she accepted it and her reaction was pretty mild; and only after the first shot. From what we think we know about this bug, that would indicate she had already had covid in such a mild form, she barely felt sick. So it's possible I have had it too. I am not high-risk for covid, in any case. For whatever reason(s) that may be. I don't think it's some kind of invincability; but neither am I so worried about getting sick when the possibility of being hit by a bus or breaking my neck around here via one wrong step is so high. Me & my own mortality have had long chats for a very long time.

I simply can't be so risk-averse that I'm not actually LIVING anymore. Too much calvinism in my basic educational makeup, I guess. Discomfort and hard work are actually good for people - up to a point. (I've seen the extreme of that; and it's NOT "good".)

[Hopalong]

((((Amber)))))

You're doing what you believe is right for yourself, and those you love. I know that. I'm glad you have the serenity and beauty and space of the mountain, while the world winds its way beyond the damn bug. Here's to herd immunity before we all turn 90.

I relate to Deb's dilemma so much my eyebrows keep flying up on top of my head. It just astonished me, the selfishness and cruelty of what my brother put me through. It was the most frightening and painful conflict I've ever experienced. I was so glad to read about her strength showing up as it is. I truly feel for her. (And wish I'd had an Amber in my life back then.)

Something's rising for you in this downtime. I hope if it's a personal giant squid, you remember how exceedingly intelligent and curious and friendly they can be. Not monsters. Problem solvers. Tool users. Clever ink shooters. Very like you, in fact. LOL!

I wonder even if the forced quietude has enabled some kind of gift or insight or new realization that couldn't have happened for you without it. As busy as you keep yourself, sometimes that becomes avoid-the-feels. You're brave and wise and have nothing you need to prove.

hugs
Hops