2021 Farm Log

[sKePTiKal]

HA!

Ironically, this long quarantine was my preferred lifestyle already - then Hol & her retinue descended - and I've been just fine with that. Enjoyed myself, learned somethings - even about me - as a result. I have noticed, that with Hol not around (S is holding down the dogs & hut)... that this "something" was coming up. She can very much dominate & fill a space.

I think I know what it is - and it's definitely past it's "use by" date and time to release it. I just need the right words, which I don't have just yet. It's kinda like a whole ball of individual things rolled together that I attached to. There are lots of springs & gizmos & whatchmacallits involved. It's boring as hell to me, at this point - but the timing of coming up now for release - is interesting. So I'm just watching it, for now. Doing some writing (helps finds words that convey my meaning to others). And generally not pushing on it, or trying to pull it off me... as ever, the "why" matters to me, so I need understanding of it (them?) and the mechanisms that have made it so persistent.

I intentionally sought solitude for a few years, post-Mike, just to find out what was really ME - and what I was, in the context of other people. I didn't isolate; still had plenty of company, visitors, contact with people. I just craved wide open time to do precisely as liked, with no raised eyebrows; no askance looks; no concern from others... took awhile before I could explain all that to Hol and be sure she understood.

I'm a bit taken aback by the perception that I'm so busy. Honestly, I don't see myself that way at all. Exactly opposite. Even when I'm overwhelmed at certain times - that's more an emotional thing for me, than a "doing" thing. But see, that's the problem of using other people's yardsticks to measure our selves and why I needed to make a safe space for me to be me, in the first place.

Poor Deb. I can't imagine what her family dynamics are like or why they're this way. We have SOME things in common, belief-wise; she & I. She doesn't understand my situation with my mother & brother either. It just does not compute. But I've never spilled the whole story at one time, since I unravelled it in therapy and sequentially here. Hence, why Hol says my story is always changing - I'll include various details at some point in the telling I hadn't said previously. Deb will be OK; she just needs to convince herself.

[lighter]

 Sounds like an exciting time for you, Amber.

I admire your ability to stay curious and resist judging while you're teasing out what's what for yourself.

Feel healed soon.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Poor Deb, her relatives sound absolutely awful.  What a horrible lot of stuff to be dealing with, and so soon after she's lost her mum as well.  It's funny how proactive people can be when they want something; far less so when they're needed to help out a bit.  Urgh.

You do always sound busy, Skep, in my head I always see you casually building another house when you have an afternoon free or rebuilding a tractor or something   I hope the situation for Deb settles down soon enough.  I hope you're able to process whatever the 'thing' is that's making it's way up and that it clears the air a bit for you xx

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks all.

Deb is keeping me busy, reporting on actions she's taking at the moment and the latest from the sibs. I think she's beginning to realize she doesn't have to be so "nice" anymore, given how callously she's being treated in this situation. She also sees now, that she's reacting to the fantasy of the sibs, not the reality of the facts, of how much money can be gleaned from sale of the house and how quickly they can achieve that. It's not the reality - and she knows that. Probate won't take that long for an uncomplicated estate, but it will still take a couple to three months.

She's going to have more emotional waves hit her, but having something practical to do to protect herself and begin to get away from the additional stress is plenty to focus on to keep her moving forward.

It honestly sounds a LOT like what Hops went thru with Nbro. They're not quite blatantly nasty to her, but the hurt is the same thing about.

No news on the "thing" coming up. I realized my current journal only had a couple more blank pages in it. So I flipped to the beginning to see when it was started - late 2009. I only write when I'm sorting out something very tangled emotionally or very painful. I used to spend hours writing daily before this latest journal. It documents bank stuff from my Dad's estate, buying the beach house... the little cabin... grieving Mike... moving here and all the changes that have ensued since then, November 2016.

Hol perceives that I'm really resistent to change - but change has been the environment I've been living in for a decade. And it hasn't been personal habits or style makeovers level; it's been massive life changes. Most of that has been out of my control - and my participation was in learning, adapting, taking some risks, making some choices. I've been going with the change instead of against it. Change gives me energy. It feels alive.

So over a decade, I've just been participating in change -- and since it was so natural for me, I haven't been all tangled up in my head/emotions requiring pages & pages to be scribbled in pencil. This journal is only 1/2in thick. There was a lot of writing at the little cabin; processing grief while in "retreat". First trip was a long weekend; second was a week with Mio-mio along for the adventure.

It seems like a whole lot more things are getting sorted out now, simply by being... and not pointed & focused  "thinking", writing, or pushing on it. Release seems to be an active energy in this - but it's something that's happening, nothing that needs to be micromanaged... and can't be controlled.

[lighter]

It seems Hol is projecting some of her worries and fears onto you, perhaps?

In any case, it's a relief to find clarity with what is, IME.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Manual labor is my friend. LOL. It frees up my brain to "think" outside the control of left-brain linearity. I don't even hear the thoughts in my head (which is the ultimate solitude!!).

Got the medicinals planted; still have hot peppers to go in - but it turned very hot and humid; and now rainy. Steve's tomatoes are 3 times the size of mine. We've been texting occasionally just on farm coordination/tasks. He wants to experiment with a small patch of sorghum, which can be used for bird feed - and the flocks are growing! Baby goslings are starting to get in the pond now. Chicks are big enough to be outside now.

After last night's shower, mild thunderstorm - the lightning continued. No thunder, so I thought - heat lightning. I'd just settled down for the night with Stinker and my book... when that (all too familiar to me) C R A C K of lightning hit somewhere real close. Think I levitated about 2 ft straight up, once I reacted. Stinker had a delayed sprint too; right under the bed. I always get up to investigate if anything got hit... ham antenna, ok; Steve OK, dogs a bit unnerved, nothing on fire. I don't know; can't see if any of the trees were hit - but it was VERY close. Lightning can be worse here, than at the beach. That was something I took into consideration with the ham antenna. It needs about 33 ft of height to clear the roof line - but that makes it a lightning rod. So I got one we can push up or drop down. That antenna is just far enough away from the bedroom, that we're not in the radio wave radius. It's been down since B was here last. I finally got the longer cable I need to connect the equipment -- and in-line lightning arrestors -- which pop & break the circuit before the equipment gets fried. I might actually be able to broadcast trying to reach my west coast buddies before I have to renew my license. LOLOLOL. I qualified for a general license right before Mike got sick. Lots of hams at the beach - they are backup communications for emergency services during hurricanes.

Then, there was the deep degreasing of the oven. ugh... maintenance/prevention woulda helped but the primary issue was me moving a couple steaks to close to the broiler. My grill migrated to the hut and hasn't come back. So I'll probably get one that Buck likes. I still have the racks to clean - and I think that's going to be an outside job. Method makes a heavy duty degreaser that works pretty well.

The thing that came up is actually a combination of personal stuff and Hol stuff. And it all falls under the parental alienation category, I think. I stumbled across this the other day in passing and it just pinged so many bits & pieces & even dream stuff... for both of us... it does tend to be a multi-generational thing. I already intuitively "knew" a lot about it, when the girls went to live with their Dad - and I became the targeted parent. (I didn't even know that at the time - Hol's told me, since.) And poof! just like that the weight goes away - but I know the work is still to come when she finishes wrap on this job, comes home, rests up... and is ready tackle things. The garage is almost done; so the rest of her stuff will move down there... in time for Deb to store some of her fabric in the studio. (Another bit of crazy stuff going on again for her.)

There is still my personal stuff; and while some is pertinant to the alienation syndrome - there's a lot of other currents of things and it's not the main "theme". I'm not neglecting that while all this other stuff goes on around me. In fact, one of the things I'm following down the rabbithole is just how much "me" do I keep back for being able to take care of me - and how much time, energy, etc do I devote to being of service to others? I'm used to not having anything left for me; that's obvious. How quick am I responding when summoned by Hol for instance, when she has a need to unload her brain? Or do I just let her barge in, regardless of what I was hoping to get done today? Can I just ask her to put it off for a day? She usually checks to see if I'm in the middle of something, but it's so casual around here... she'll just pop in, grab a coffee and chat. We need to maybe adjust that. Most of the time, it doesn't matter to me. But sometimes it does. I need to know she won't take it personally if I ask her for a rain check on it....

So yeah. Figuring things out.

[lighter]

Amber:
 
I think renegotiating boundaries is supposed to be a regular part of relationships...... never ending.

It's interesting there's anxiety... is it anxiety for you?  Around redrawing adult boundaries with Hol. 

I know I feel anxiety when I think about doing the same with my girls. 

It feels.....
wrong, somehow. 
Selfish, maybe.

Why is prioritizing our own care so confusing and difficult?


Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Yeah; the anxiety is about feeling selfish for just not feeling up to the technicolor & surround sound sharing of her thoughts, ideas, & experiences in any given moment. As if she NEEDS me to do this or she'll explode. LOLOLOL.

I keep introducing the idea that we can just hang out & chill without her sucking all the air out of a room. When she's in that place, it reminds me of my mom's monologues and the safest thing for me to do is agree, nod & keep my mouth shut. But that lack of expressing my own thoughts & feelings makes her feel crazy. LOLOLOLOLOL.

I think I'll start bringing up that our conversations almost always zero in on the same topics/themes too. That time apart doing separate things, means we have new different stuff to bring to the table & talk about.

:thumbs up:


Wait just a minute... that "same topic" might just be the thing that's really bugging her; hmmmmmmmm. That needs pondering before any action is taken.

[Hopalong]

((((Amber))))
I spent half my life short of oxygen when either Nmom or D were holding forth...it was very anxiety provoking and draining for me.

I wonder whether the old-school I-statement could help during these arias?

"I feel _____ or _____ or _____....when you [pressure me to talk, probe into my inner workings, analyse me without asking for my okay, advise me when I haven't asked for advice....]"

What I often felt was (not that this was always their intention--their intention was anxiety relief) invisible, voiceless and even dehumanized during some of the marathon forced-listening sessions. In hindsight, I think I had a highly developed ballet routine in which I was the:
soundboard
scapegoat
target

....for their stuff. And I accepted it (passively or mostly silently) because I was trying to demonstrate love. Sacrificial, devoted, filial or maternal or even religious love. It was my early understanding from my gentle Dad's model that you absorb whatever comes from someone you love, because that level of patience and long-suffering (no pun intended) was how love works. Maybe my Dad was right. He was in a way Christlike. But I'm not able to do that. I'm more selfish than he was and I don't follow the religion he did (and for which I admired him). But I tried.

I did and would absorb a LOT of something another person simply cannot help. Compassion is the highest value, to me. But I abandoned myself. Didn't know I was alternatively allowed to peacefully assert:

I can't listen more now but let's talk tomorrow
I'm going to _____ or _____ or _____, back later
I'm going to take some time now, love you

Whatever it was. I just didn't know how to draw a line without it being a red flag to the N or the out of control. I didn't know how to be seen or heard by those whose cravings for my attention were so overwhelming (various reasons) they couldn't see or hear what their cravings were costing me.

And to do it without resentment or anger or debility. That to me was an unseen goal and a great need. Finally I am closer to that balance that I ever was before. I get practice in the occasional irritations of friendship or church politics. But there's no family left to learn on. Or lean on.

Rambling now, and I don't know if any of those images will ring a chime. Just in case.

Thinking of you, with sympathy.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I'm not at the adult child stage yet with son but I'm reading all of these posts avidly as it seems to be something that's more difficult to define than in other relationships.  And presumably that's because, for a long time, you do need to meet all of your child's needs in order to be a good parent (and quite possibly went above and beyond to avoid them experiencing any of the stuff that was part of a childhood in which needs weren't met).  And of course you still love them, want what's best for them, are happy to help and I guess even as adults they know they can be more demanding of your time than they might be of a friend or a boyfriend because of the closeness and genuine care that is there.  Difficult path to tread, for sure, and I've nothing at all useful to suggest but I am finding reading all of this stuff about managing your adult relationships with your own kids very helpful to store up for the future xx

[lighter]

Hops:

You keep ringing bells for me lately....this time it was about not realizing what it costs us to allow others to hold forth without considering our needs, etc.

Second.... the ability to withdraw without resentment, anger or attitude..... would be AMAZING to have in hand. 

I'm noticing more and more how much choice, or lack of choice, in that regard,which is something you pinged on in another post.

I wanted to start a new thread about it,but you said everything much better than I could have with twice the words.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Lighter.
It feels really good to ring a chime for somebody.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

((Hops)) 

Lots of chimes lately.

Big wonderful clear bells.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I am somewhere between letting it all go in one ear & out the other...
and being totally impacted by her (almost reliving in the process) retelling of an experience or observation.

And occasionally, she pushes too far - and then this role of standing up for myself manifests. It's part mom-reflex, part friend not wanting to be pushed around or unfairly criticized, or even just me pointing out that we are different people and therefore have TWO different perspectives that may or may not agree, to a degree. And that's perfectly NORMAL. The reality of all interpersonal interactions & relationships.

Lighter - it almost feels like mental/emotional sparring, if you can relate to that reference. A form of exercise, to understand an "opponent"... and see our own weaknesses. Which is more than I described above; and the sparring thing doesn't happen that much between us. Only when I express an opinion she completely disagrees with -- and believes that my opinion is garnered from some clickbait headline somewhere. She knows I think/research/read way more on my own; where did she learn to do that?? She knows there are always underlying supporting ideas for what I believe - that can be documented, if I spoke with footnote & bibliography markups in my language.

When I can assert myself, explain background, to my statements - more often than not, we find another chunk of common ground between our perspectives. Yes, I have to be mentally "on" - in sparring mode - to achieve that with her. Sometimes people just want to relax & enjoy being with each other. I'm not nearly as verbally acrobatic or quick as she is, either - that's been acknowledged over & over. But I am able to separate a bit of myself observational self off up in a corner of the room... to watch the transaction unfold, and notice how I feel. I'm not sure she is doing anything similar or even knows such a thing is possible.

My actual point of concern, is my feeling of this expectation* (on her part) that I will be available to participate in that willingly. Theoretically, it should be easier to deal with. "Sorry, I'm just in the middle of something. Can this wait till _____?"

*and I get that my perception of the expectation is something I feel; it's MINE to deal with.

The times I've said, well - I have to finish this one thing that I wanted to get done today and I guess that will require x amount of time. Or, I just am really wrapped up in my own space right now and don't have the energy... that's all respected. No assertions, guilt-tripping, or anything about me doing that. It's just in my own frame of reference; and it's definitely THERE; no question.

Perhaps it's an archaic artifact? From the past? having no relevance to the now?

[Hopalong]

I just felt like a hostage, when sparring.

My first husband LOVED it, and used to call me a "worthy opponent" -- as praise.

I hated it. I didn't want to debate my way through marriage, even though we were both so smart and informed and intellectual. I wanted peaceful sharing. Didn't want to be his regular opponent even though it put a gleam in his eyes. An occasional debate was fine; I hold my own. But as a way of life, with the motivation for or peak moments of connection being about criticism, disagreement or debate...it sapped me. Underneath my boldness is a sensitive nature and I'm no warrior, not built for conflict. I don't apologize for it; Ferdinand the Bull was my favorite hero.

Not first-H's fault, nor mine I guess. But for me chronic tension, a recurring need to try to protect myself from someone else's overwhelming need to argue, is one of the worst feelings there is. Especially when it's happening with someone I love. Some thrive on it, some just stress and are sickened. I'm the latter.

Everybody's different and has their different sets of tools, Amber, but where some of our experiences do intersect, I sure can relate. I feel for you.

hugs
Hops