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2021 Farm Log

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sKePTiKal:
Both volumes by Stephen Buhner. It tends to read on the "scienc-y" side, but I don't mind looking up words and cross-referencing things. In spots his humor shines through too! But all the info is well researched, footnoted, with bibliography. The information is way more intensive than your average "how to make a salve from dandelion & calendula" book - so for me, it's way more useful.

The main current root extract B is using only grows in Africa, so it's not something I can grow here. But I have an excellent source for the rare/oddball herbs:

woodlandessence.com

They're in California, but shipping has been flawless and fast - even in the pandemic shutdown.

sKePTiKal:
sniff...

Didn't sleep well; both Buck & I had some short-lived intestinal crap that (fingers & butt cheeks crossed) is starting to calm down today. And well - I didn't sleep coz he was restless & got up to sleep in the chair and was obsessing on the fact he was leaving this morning. He will be back in 6-7 weeks however. For about the same amount of time.

I'm processing. Being older people, the focus wasn't so much romantic intimacy, if you catch my drift. This time. Not that the desire isn't there - but well, life. All the practical, day to day relational intimacy is strong and solid. We demonstrate that caring in other ways, right now. He's not used to being touched that way; it's been 20 years. And he's very tentative about initiating things with me. I need to step up and communicate more clearly about that and deal with some of my own lingering reticence. And so, we're going very slowly - and learning every step of the way. There are places on his back I have to be very gentle & light about touching because pain. This kind of communication requirement is brand-new for me; and I'm pretty sure it is for him too. LOTS to navigate on both sides. So far, it hasn't been awkward - for me, at least. I think it would be clear if it was awkward for him.

Hol has continued to relax around B and even hugged him yesterday when saying goodbye. Surprised him. Sure makes me feel more relaxed! She's happy & content-er today, since S came home early last night. She'll be headed back to the city in a couple weeks for a few days; then work a week on production and then be on set 2 weeks at the end of next month. S has work offers starting to pop up again too; but being one step away from lockdown orders in some places again... it remains a tentative state of affairs for them.

Repairs, projects & chores are all at a great place going into the fall list of to-dos and B is already mapping out what he'll do the next trip - in between med appts. He still hasn't gotten a date from the infectious disease referral doc... so that part is up in the air.

It's dawned on me the last few days, that there are very many multiple layers of relaxation and trust and intimacy than I was aware of previously. Shades of the same feeling, if you will. And despite how easy it is for B & I to be together, I didn't really start to relax until this past week. Sort of that "waiting for the other shoe to drop" syndrome. Life curveballs. He and I are both conditioned to react to those and it's encouraging that we take turns talking each other out of letting even the little things, take too much attention or energy from our time together. No pressure, just reasoning and waiting for things to return to balance. No red flags popped up. Nothing horrible or unexpected was experienced with him figuring out where his "man piles" of necessary tools & such can go. He cooked for me; I cooked for him; we shared our favorite snacks; he understands how doing dishes is part of my mental routine... but cleans up after himself too.

I've been able to explain to him, my predilections and preferences about how I want to keep things and why it matters to me. Without complaining. I think he's a bit shocked at that -- but we all have to watch our expectations based on previous relationships get blown to smithereens when we're dealing with a new partner who is very DIFFERENT than the past choices we made - but probably shouldn't have, in our own interests at that time. Being able to talk about that stuff and even more personal/private/touchy-difficult topics is an absolute pure gold aspect of this new relationship.

lighter:
Hey, Amber:

What is B shocked about? Regarding the way you need things to be?

About doing the dishes..... I've just made peace with the fact there are things I MUST get done before tackling other things.  So I may focus on those other things.  I neeeed certain things to be done a certain way and know what those things are helps me move through my world with more ease, less confusion and less faffing about wondering WHY I can't get on with other things.

Sorry B's gone again, but glad he's fitting in with  your life and with Hol.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
It was briefly hard to see him go, CB. The light goes out and there's a hole where he used to be. Even if off working around the farm somewhere. But it's starting to lift again. Phew! I think it's echoes of old grief; feeling bereft. He and I have a pretty strong ESP connection - probably since we've spent more time separated, while together; than actually together.

Yes, he's making the extreme push to get here permanently as close to the next trip, as possible. Compared to other waits, 6-7 weeks from now is pretty short. So we're already shifting to the anticipatory phase for the next visit. He's not even home yet. LOL.

Lighter, I think he was shocked I just accepted he was going to make man piles without having "rules" and a meltdown over it. LOLOLOL. My recent "housemate" situation with the kids and guests have definitely adjusted my "need" to manage every little thing... as long as the big things are observed - and that's not a problem. He's trained the same way I am. He was shocked I grabbed his dirty laundry when I was doing my own (he was out working on something). Hol mentioned how much I love having my first cup of coffee in the morning brought to me... and because he's up all hours, he usually makes the first pot... and delivers the elixir of consciousness to me!  ;)

Thing is, I can just ask him to do or not do something... and it doesn't cause instant tension or a reaction. And he remembers. He's as solicitous of my quirks as I am of his physical pain... and constantly trying to find the little comfort tricks or items that help. I don't have abandonment issues when he goes off to work and gets in the zone and almost forgets I'm here. LOL. I find other things to do or go help, if I can. Many times I can't - and I do kinda feel I'm being spoiled a bit much. But I'm confident stuff like that will get worked out in time.

Hopalong:
Awww, (((((Amber))))).

That's really a beautiful report of your and B's first extended time together. It was heartwarming to read of your tenderness around his pain areas.

I'm sorry he's gone and sure understand your flash of grief. And it sounds so clear that you two really are moving into a shared life. You'll cope with the next six weeks, even though it may be harder to wait again. You had him, he had to go take care of bidness, so here you are again.

But not. You have moved so far, as has he.

Small point, no pun intended: I could write for ages about older-lady innards and older-man outards. Suffice it to say that tenderness for all that, too, comes about, I'm confident. Best advice I can give is: no goals. Your love languages will unfold in so many ways that are much more subtle than all that. You'll find your unique intimate fit, whatever its form and limits.

hugs
Hops

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