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2021 Farm Log

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sKePTiKal:
Thanks Hops. If anything, the whole sexual aspect of this older intimate relating is just as fraught with angst, conflict with desire, & physical limitation/awkwardness as one's first time. I do think we're being patient with each other and ourselves tho. And both of us making jokes.

I think... which means I might not see clearly about this... that B and I physically express the deeper emotional truths between us, like that exposed spotlighted vulnerability of just who and what we are at this age and our way of connecting to each other; our intuitive perception of the other, the deep down affection we hold for each other. That adds additional complexity, as compared to sex as just physical release of energy.

The latter doesn't involve or require any emotional involvement at all. Still can be deeply satisfying; still invites feeling connection (which is how some people comfuse lust with love) and like everything in a marriage - becomes habit. So we're barely dancing... but just trying out how it feels to finally relax into letting go and just DANCING and understanding that we're not really losing ourselves in it.... just shifting perception lenses.... and that it's safe to trust that much.

And that all sounds like an extremely elaborate explanation/excuse/rationalization for fear, doesn't it?  :D  I might resemble that. LOLOLOLOLOL. And it's hilariously funny because at no time in my life have I been shy this way. Despite being raped so young, I was adamant that it wouldn't affect my enjoyment of this basic human instinct. But this - B & I - is way more than sex. And that ups the stakes for both of us, I think.

He was deeply hurt by his Ex's sudden rejection of him 20 years ago - due to injury/scars. He thought I was patronizing him and BSing when I told him "chicks dig scars". I completely understand how hard it would be to trust anyone ever again. I also know, that we're both entirely capable of rising to a challenge and in our previous meetings things have been more intense. But we're wise enough to understand that the comfort of day to day interacting is where the lasting connection is; where it's won/lost sometimes too. Relationships go through moods and seasons, too.

By late September, my normal increase in energy will be hitting and I'll have recovered from the enervating lassitude of this summer's extreme heat and humidity. He likes heat; works his butt off in it and it doesn't affect him at all. I can barely move in it without feeling completely weakened. It's better on overcast days - so I know it's the sun. He's looking forward to snow again (spent time at/above the arctic circle) and of course fires.

sKePTiKal:
@&$*@*@#&@

More paperwork complication and incompetence for B, at new hospital/Drs. office. And of course, the job of getting everything sorted out falls to him. He does want me to try explaining to the temp in Drs office what needs to happen, or the NP -- if I can get him on the phone. But he will completely lose health insurance if I were able to persuade him to let me self-insure him... to stop this maddeningly frustrating buck-passing cluster you-know-what. **

Even better - his DOD liason called his ex-wife (who has no business knowing anything) just because she had the old phone number and told her god knows what, about where he was seeking treatment. Never even tried to call Buck.

I don't want to do a single thing, until we get more information about just what is going on.

This day just keeps getting better and better. I'm gonna go stuff my face full of chips and salsa and watch mind-numbing youtube videos. Tomorrow is another day.

** The government & insurance people aren't exactly communicating among themselves either. So in a way, as convoluted as that process is, I can't blame the hospital billing crew being totally confused about what they're supposed to do or why. It's so extraordinarily complex from what they're used to. But I don't comprehend, after Buck carefully patiently explained twice where paperwork & reports needed to go - to avoid approval being cancelled - that it hasn't been taken care of yet.

*** AND... he left paperwork in my car. The Drs office handed him the report that needs to go to insurance & DOD instead of taking care of that online.  Rolling my eyes so hard I'm looking out.... well, you know.

Hopalong:
Ooooof. I can't-but-can imagine the frustration, Amber.
Feel so much empathy for both of you. At least B has you
as compadre now, and vice versa. (Be sure to keep the
boundary of a separate self so you don't fuse, and you'll
be fine thru this. Hard but doable.)

Boy, this whole process must take a
LOT
of conscious breathing....

Sending extra oxygen your way....

hugs
Hops

lighter:
Hmmmm...... sounds like business as usual in the United State's medical system, IME.

No consequences for dropping the ball.

Someone else is expected to correct their mistakes.

Unlikely they'll stop dropping the ball.... it's sort of their thing, IME.

I am praying B receives competent treatment when the paperwork is settled and finallly FINALLY in place.

Sometimes you meet doctors who're gifted and know what they're doing, bc they have experience and training to understand particular problems one brings to their attention, IME.  I'm trying to think of a time when that's been the case in my realm..... Grandfather's knee surgery... Grandma's eye surgery..... my own eye surgeries...... so, ya....there are competent docs out there and I believe B will find his.

Lighter
P.S.  Just keep punching away at red tape and incompetence. Adjust your expectations with regard to the paperwork debacle. You guys are on the rigth track.  It was never going to be easy, IME.  It's going to be OK.

sKePTiKal:
Thanks guys. I've calmed down.
When I looked at the paperwork - I saw the report that needs to be filed with the gov. The clueless woman at the window handed it to him, without ever saying he'd have to turn it in. We thought it was just his copy - but he says he never sees that paperwork. And he promptly got busy on projects and didn't remember until today he left all that in the glovebox of my car. SIGH. Post Office guarantees it'll be in is hands Thursday. With luck, tomorrow - but she couldn't guarantee that even with express priority postage.

He gets anxious triggered because of the numerous times the ball's been dropped - and because even his superiors, after successful completion of a mission, handed out medals and promptly left the country leaving B and his fellow soldiers behind to find their own way home from Kuwait. Took 'em about a month of taking any job they could find to make the money to leave. In turn, his anxiety triggers me - and I know better than jumping into action in that state without having ALL the possible information available.

As far as the ex-wife, he wants to find out what they told her before he rips someone a new one... and requests a new liason.

Oh, and lawyer informed him he HAD to immediately go get steroid shots again even though they CAUSE him additional back pain and are responsible for eruptions on his feet (which were almost healed here, while he was postponing steroids and just take tinctures & using the antibiotic (herbal) cream I got him. 2 hours after the shot, his skin is bleeding again. Another doc said the dosage is way too high; and shots given too frequently and the skin reaction is an allergy. To no avail. As B says - he's still "Property of..." - and he's allowed no say or free choice in the matter. IMO, they're gradually trying to kill him. Yeah - that's jumping to extremes - but so is being in a position of not being able to refuse a treatment that is medically determined to make things WORSE.

This is not the only thing that popped up on my "look out below" radar today. I think I'm having a nice simple dinner and watching this short series Hol recommended that she said was hilarious - The White Lotus. If I don't just eat and go to bed with my book. I just need to reboot the whole day.

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