2021 Farm Log

[Hopalong]

we need this kind conversation - actual people talking back & forth with each other over a range of topics - which simply doesn't happen much online. People throw out a statement, or a meme which is generally pre-verbal ideas... hope for "likes" as a substitute for connection... and don't talk TO or WITH other people.

This completely sums up what bothers me most about living alone, Amber. Not periods of solitude, I crave that. But too much. Have you been walking around in my head?

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

LOLOL. I don't think so Hops... did I clean my boots off? 

Yeah. the kid remarked when she first came out here that I talked to myself a lot; and answered - or talked to the cat and expected it to answer. A person could forget what their own voice sounds like, if they didn't, ya know?

Now that the sun's out, it sure is pretty out there. I might do the required shovelling today. A couple days melting and then we go back into arctic circle temps again. Is your snow all gone Hops? What are you doing, planning, contemplating... to keep busy?

[Hopalong]

No snow here now, Amber. But there's bright sun.

And not much "doing" as I still feel shaky and get woozy and chest pangs and short of breath, all of which might just be anxiety but which still prevents me being very energetic. Apparently there's a chance the diagnosis will be TIA, which makes sense but isn't good for longevity. So I'm trying to absorb that thought today.

I did start pushing out of the hiding-in-bed mode yesterday and kitchen is tidy. Did a bunch of stuff online, not all of it escapist. For example, had a bunch of tedious calls and emails with the hospital to get my CT scan report corrected. It had me as a "10 year old female" -- hah! (And it's on the patient to chase down the right department through the main line, and eventually be directed to, download and print, fill out and mail in a form to requests an addendum to correct an error in the report, which I find odd since the patient didn't enter the incorrect info. Happened with the stroke in 2019, too, but at that time I didn't know about the procedure.)

Thinking of your sorts of goals, mine do shame me. But they are things like: get kitchen cleaned up and surfaces tidied. (Done.) Do more laundry (not yet). Write and reach out to various people/projects. Do some church stuff. Listen to poet friend who gets upset most weekends with partner and is getting some insight about that. (Sent her John Gottman videos because what she was describing in their interactions could've come directly out of his lab.)

Sun is out and I am this week doing much better with sleep schedule. Woke at 6am and have enjoyed my usual lolling-morning. Not feeling too perky now but after my T appt on Zoom at 2pm, hope I'll get a second wind.

Right now, been watching the officers salute Brian Sicknick's flag in the silence at the Capitol, thinking about how their trauma shows on their faces, and sorrow.

It's hard for me to tell the difference between being anxious and being unwell at times. I need to push through fear and just do more stuff. Anything. Anything active instead of letting my body melt away more. Even kitchen-puttering is an improvement on how I've been for the last year or so.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hops:  Be very kind to yourself.  It makes me sad to picture you pushing through feeling unwell. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Lighter, thank you for your compassion.
It's like a light. A warm one.

(Moved my stuff today mainly to the Relationship and Health threads so as not to start eating others' "home" threads.)

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

Amber,

Do look into the probiotics, it's not some new-age nonsense. It's an effort to change the bacterial ecosystem in the body.

Good luck.

[Twoapenny]

I'm so sorry that Buck is unwell again, Skep, and even sorrier that he's still dealing with this mad admin situation?!  Crazy stuff.  We get similar situations where everyone's tied up in red tape and it all takes so long that by the time it's dealt with the original tests are out of date and you have to start again.  Crazy.  I hope some of the natural/alternatives suggested might do something useful (if only by making him feel like he's doing something.  It must drive him nuts).

I hear you on the sense of ennui that's all pervading at the moment.  I'm finding the lack of change of pace difficult to manage.  My diary for this time last year has too much in it - daily activities, paperwork deadlines to meet, friends coming to stay, a big birthday thing for son to organise.  But this year has one health related appointment for Feb and one for March, and nothing else at all.  We've got plenty to do at home and I'm walking, doing yoga etc, but without any sense of deadline for getting things done I'm struggling to motivate myself sometimes (and I could set my own deadlines but as there's no consequence to not tidying that cupboard out today it doesn't really work that well for me).  I hope Hol and the vehicle are alright after the skidding incident.  So easy to lose control in icy conditions (we very nearly rolled completely over in a van once and only stopped because the road was so narrow that the van got stuck sideways on and rocked back to right itself.  That was an interesting morning lol).  It will be nice to get back to a decent level of functioning, even if it isn't 'normal' xx

[sKePTiKal]

You know what they say - too much of anything can be bad. That's how I feel rolling around to a year-anniversary on this isolation situation. It may have kept US healthy; but the virus still was widespread - unless a lot of those cases were false positives. At this point, I'm guessing it'll be 10 years before statisticians will either admit they don't have good data or the "real" numbers are released. I still picked a garden-variety daycare virus at either the grocery store - masks still required; still washing my hands after that visit; or the DMV - which is appt only now, and even tighter restrictions. Still washing my hands on the first opportunity back in the house.

Because of the places I do chat about different things online, I'm not as desperate to just sit and talk with a real live human being as Hol is. Ironically, she lives with her fella - and I talk more to Buck every day than she talks to S. It's not that he's some bad person - he is simply so unavailable to her and wants it that way - that's she left dangling. This has always been a problem for her, since she was little. Always preferred a small pack of kids to do things with, be with, talk to. She seemed to have more trouble staying focused on her own solitary pursuits than most. So when she makes quilts, it all happens in a very short amount of time. Single-minded purpose, get it done - move on. That's just her way.

I'll have to remind her this is one of her goals. But that still doesn't change the painful awareness of the limbo we find ourselves in. Too soon to do anything outside - the snow might finally melt enough for her to be able to get the pontiac out, and hopefully mud season holds off - then she can go to town to visit local friends. Her city friends are meeting for a vacation in Mexico. She was invited and feels torn between just up & leaving... but S's dog, is having hip pain issues and she just won't leave them here to go "play" - even though that's exactly what she needs to do. There are also the virus issues when flying, going out of the country too. With testing centers closing or changing to vaccine centers... she's not comfortable she won't get caught in a catch-22.

I've been breaking up my screen time, with washing and resealing kitchen cupboards. LOLOL. If I get motivated, I'll sand and poly the range counter - with it's breakfast bar. Then I won't have THAT weighing on me when the weather is nicer.

Helga will get towed to her local mechanic, as soon as it's possible to get a rollback in here. Looks like bumper, grille, radiator - and possibly the battery. She couldn't have hit that tree more dead center if she had a hood ornament. Good thing she did hit the tree - there's natural pond just beyond it. Much worse situation.

This kind of thing, is just "life with Holly". I showed Buck the pics and he said he thought I told him she wrecked it - that this much damage wouldn't get her any off-road 4x4 credibility. LOLOL. This rash/infection moving to his skin is more annoying to him - and since he's so careful about spreading it, more work - than it is he feels ill, this time. Things ARE starting to break loose. Once he stopped playing by the rules and resumed his angry ex-marine demeanor things started ticking right along again. He didn't WANT to do this, mind you - but no one was paying attention to him while he was being polite, patient, and following all the rules and not challenging all the excuses.

I have gotten him two different creams to put on his legs - one is a slilver-infused skin cream (his bandages were silver-coated the last two times) and the other is a topical version of cryptolepis - which he also takes internally throughout the day, a bit of tincture in a cup of tea... along with a few drops of bidens & sida. The 3 together are more effective on these antibiotic resistent bacteria.

Yesterday, they FINALLY did a biopsy to find out just which bacteria, for sure - instead of just, "well this looks like..." - which one he actually has, so an appropriate AB can be used to clear it. Today is the scan on his spine... in a couple weeks he has his VA appt; first with his new status - a full 6 months after putting in his paperwork to retire. 

My life realm's it seems - ALL of them - are equally in limbo and waiting. So, I've been patient up till now I feel. TRIED very hard to simply pursue my life in the meantime instead of allowing myself to go into 'suspended animation' till something started to change. I tried not to go bonkers during that time too. And my energy is shifting now - I'm gonna DO something, ANYTHING at all, because I'm totally tired of limbo.

I think spring fever has hit. 

[sKePTiKal]

This movie "Land" is coming out soon. Robin Wright worked with Hol on House of Cards... and now she's directing. I watched the trailer, and I think it might help explain some of what my journey/project is about here on the farm. Granted - a lot of things are idealized/romanticized that are just plain hard work and patience. But I sense there are more layers to this movie - subtle things - that will get conveyed in it and it won't be just a superficial idea of what the experiences are like.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOw20FDNnHA

[Hopalong]

I'm in for that movie, Amber! How exciting. Love Robin Wright but I'd watch that story with anybody decent starring.

About statisticians...I think it's likely many will have good data and most have so far been sharing what they can figure out as best they can. Data are facts, but only as good as their source and reach. It's important they not present conclusions that aren't conclusive though, AND many people overlook the expressed caveats.

I hear you on that squirrel chewing through cage of confinement feeling. It's lucky you have the space, the physicality, and the executive organization to keep on going through this. I'm not surprised it's getting to you, m'dear, but have total faith that you won't wig out over it. You really are astonishingly strong.

IF BUCK COULD BE WITH YOU, how much different this chapter would be! I hope his miseries will soon be ameliorated by the right AB, and by his right to get care elsewhere. Damn. It's unbelievable what he and you have been through to get him help that is --or hopefully will be--effective.

As to Hol, she's got a lifetime to figure herself out. Did she get/continue therapy, do you know?

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

No therapy for Hol yet; it's on my list to find a good time to remind her. Today is the first day, I'm seeing dirt show thru the snow on the driveway; still some patches. It's melting pretty fast today; and hopefully tomorrow too. Then they can get their cars out to the highway. Yeah, she could do something online - but even in "normal times" I think she'd prefer a face to face situation. Establish that trust relationship ya know?

The deep clean on the kitchen progresses. LOL. I can't abide accumulated "oops" - when you llve in the woods, clean is the order of the day to discourage bugs. I DETEST bugs in the house and have been in an ongoing war with stinkbugs (which stinker actually eats - bless him), ladybugs, the occasional wasp, and flies. I use actual pesticides OUTSIDE, but inside using other methods.

Yes, sometimes I bemoan the distance and duration of this lengthy separation from Buck. But until his D can live off campus - or chooses not to go to school (it hasn't been an easy year for her with most classes online yet crappy wifi on campus) he doesn't feel free to go. And his dream is to have everything associated with the past DONE, before he comes here permanently - especially this infection stuff. It's probably not realistic; but that's what he's trying for. And I do appreciate he's worried about not giving it to me - it's mostly just common sense precautions.

The other consideration is that he's lived 20 years where he is right now. And like all of us, he's accumulated and saved stuff thinking he'd need it "someday". He's not moving that stuff. And that process - especially hampered with the doc appts and not being able to get dirty or sweaty - takes time. I appreciate his due diligence on this, as Hol still has stashes of stuff still in the house, barn, studio & studio garage. LOLOLOL. I haven't been able to make all my spaces "just so" yet. I don't mind doing that WITH him involved but he seems more ready to defer to my ideas than suggest too many of his own.

Meanwhile, we talk throughout most days... just the daily stuff, keeping up with what's going on. And in between, one or both of us will bring up "relationship" type topics... so we know what to expect when/if he is finally here. We talk some of the deeper stuff - like is discussed here too. And it's easy conversations. So far. I think we're just both taking it as it comes up and not trying to turn tiny irritations/misunderstandings into something huge. None of the "you always..." statements show up. And since we can be painfully honest/vulnerable with each other... some of those conversations are difficult; but have turned out pretty well.

We've both lived complete lives already. Good & bad experienced or done by both of us. So we can accept each other for who/what we are. Companionship and helping each other is a big part of what we didn't expect - and are grateful for. He's incredibly funny for someone so salt of the earth; and well-read; and thinks some amazing thoughts. I like that he brings his cultural perspective - it's not foreign to me - and we're constantly teaching each other little things, big things, and just enjoying each other. There is a complete romantic side to this - but this indefinite waiting period is dangerous for me, combined with that volatile energy. I've had to explain how easy it is to slide into obsession for me and therefore I'm disciplining myself to stay out of those feelings a lot. It's what I have to do, to keep moving forward on the farm, dealing with the business stuff, and navigating the new situation of another household on the property - with their own boundaries, projects, dreams, etc.

I guess B & I, have deliberately kept our expectations tamped down throughout this. We're both dedicated and working toward a future that we haven't defined - because it's just not possible to do that until he's here. The future will be what WE want it to be; not solely what I imagine or he dreams for. Because we're real people; we're complicated in ourselves; simple as we appear on the outside (or try to project anyway) and we've learned a long time ago to expect life to throw us curveballs of all kinds. We just don't know what they'll be.

[Hopalong]

I really admire this:

There is a complete romantic side to this - but this indefinite waiting period is dangerous for me, combined with that volatile energy. I've had to explain how easy it is to slide into obsession for me and therefore I'm disciplining myself to stay out of those feelings a lot. It's what I have to do....

Thanks for the inspiration.

One thing I finally figured out with M was that although he could spin a future-life fantasy with alacrity, when it comes right down to it he wasn't really interested in the daunting job of downsizing, minimizing and finding a new home for us both. It was pretty disappointing when I realized that, but I think as confident as he is or pretends to be about most things, his true feelings played out in delay and distraction. I get it. I wish he'd been able to be more direct about it, but he may not have really known himself. At any rate, I'm glad you're not in that situation with B and have both lived and built a good, ongoing, interesting lives on your own.

I'm older than you at 70. I don't know what's realistic any more really, but listening to your measured, mature take on your and B's unique and personal process is encouraging. There's a WHOLE LOT of communication there, which strikes me as stupendous and encouraging.

I hope his D knows or figures out her own direction soon, and that he soon feels well enough to begin unloading stuff.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

'mornin Hops... yes, B has been working for a year and half on lightening his load; a couple surgeries mixed in with that time. It's not so much a matter of his D figuring out what she's doing, as freshmen usually aren't allowed to live off campus and he's already said, if he's ready to head this direction and she isn't, he'll store her stuff for her.

It's kinda nice to feel the certainty that he's doing all he can; compared to the uncertainty I felt early on about IF he'd survive to make the dream a reality. The uncertainty is still there - but he really is trying. It wasn't just a false promise made to appease me... buy him some time.

I'm not much younger Hops; 64. Yeah, I'm staying pretty active (weather permitting) for my age and have been blessed with no serious health issues (yet). B is almost 2 years older. For as instantly as we both realized we'd found our "missing piece" -  this long process of coming together has definitely forced us to communicate and learn each other's style and the hints/cues when trying to hide or deflect. Yeah, we all try to do this... he not so much, though. He just straight up comes out with what he's feeling or needs in a moment. I'm learning.     And we do have a pretty good ESP connection. The kind one develops over a long time together - say with a parent or a kid.

My first two marriages were based more on practical considerations - not as much romance. Obviously, there had to be SOME attraction & emotional connection or I wouldn't even have committed. And then Mike came along and played the part of Prince Charming to my Cinderella, so well. But when it came to the matter of actually living I really couldn't count on him, unless it involved shopping. He truly was a master bargain hunter or would be able to spend the hours looking for absolute BEST version of an item. I did all the other work. At times, even mowing the lawn which he did claim he liked to do (but forget any trimming).

Even into the grieving stages of that relationship I did most of the work of "connection" - while trying to establish where "we" ended and "I" began - and seeking to fulfill my needs, mostly for solitude, myself. By then he wasn't even communicating with me, he'd withdrawn that far. I suppose that's a natural thing - but it definitely hurt me deeply.  I suppose that's a natural reflex in some people confronted with their own dying process. Someone else suggested his denial/resistance to what was happening, earlier, was him trying to emotionally protect me. Whatever the reason, I eventually forgave him for that. All those long months of dealing with caring for him, dealing with the beach house, deciding what I would do now... I thought a LOT all the relationships I'd experienced. The good, bad & ugly. My part in creating those things too - "it takes two to tango" does have a nugget of reality in it.

There are just so many dimensions to a relationship where you're sharing your life with someone on that level. And even within myself, I recognize that the little girl who dreamed of ideal cottages with white picket fences and bluebirds year round and prince charming... and what she believed that relationship was in reality day to day (not that she thought about anything except "happily ever after" without having a clue what that entailed)... totally missed the fact that people change as they age. What they want and need do too. Ideally, sure - in theory - a person should be able love deeply (all the time), coordinate/cooperate well in the basic living functions, and feel personally satisfied and secure and fulfilled in a relationship with any given person. It just doesn't seem to work that way in reality.

My little girl version of happily ever after didn't take into account the very real needs it took me a lifetime to discover I had. And to try to superimpose that on my present situation(s) simply wasn't fair; no one would be able to live up to the fairy tale that little girl created in her imagination. I learned some very important things from all my significant relationships - and from Mike, I learned he really could not/would not change some of the habits that particularly irritated & triggered me. And I learned to cope a little better with those things; to just accept it and how much more work it meant for me... in exchange for my romantic prince who loved me the best way he knew how. Nor could I demand he change those things, if I truly loved him unconditionally? - because in the larger picture; the balance sheet - how important were those things? So we continued on working on the issue from both sides... and some days we did better than others.

Commitment is a dimension of it's own. It's one a lot of people don't understand and struggle with. It's the same for me too. I think it's heavily linked to trust... which is based on (I believe, for now) respect. Respect is different from admiration or the Big L-word. It's an acknowledgement, I guess, of the whole of the other person. Which requires that deep knowing of the other person - which in turn requires openness, connection, vulnerability, and honesty and trust. This might even be another kind of feedback loop (hmmmmmm, yeah I'm thinking out loud) and when a relationship goes wonky and painful, maybe one or the other "criteria" that builds one of the requirements for "relationship" is then thrown out of balance. Maybe the situation is temporary; maybe it's growing pains; maybe it's a permanent flaw.

I dunno. Lately, Hol & I have been talking about relationships this way. Trying to figure our our own stuff - but also looking for the "magic formula" for what "works" and why. LOLOLOL. I think both of us realize how many humans before us have tackled this question without coming up with a definitive answer. But addressing the mysteries of life helps pass the seemingly endless stretches of purgatory time we're passing through right now. LOLOL.

More ramblings from my wacky brain, in other words.

[sKePTiKal]

Long stretches of unstructured time tend to magnify little things - good & bad - and in the processs change one's perception. Maybe we tune into other frequencies than we do, when our minds are full of schedules and trying to fit everything else in around the "have tos"... I dunno.

I'm into long sleep mode; good thing too - as "barometer head" is with me, as the next stretch of (supposedly) daily snow arrives and hangs around for a full week or more here. It's not too bad; but Hol & I went over the mountain for variety in our shopping options. I had a long conversation with the self-check-out computer about how bossy it was; and stupid too; and then I outsmarted it. No swear words escaped my brain in frustration for a change; just made it absolutely clear that the computer's requirements for placing things in the bagging area made no sense, when you've insisted for YEARS I use my own reusable bags and avoid plastic. (which I can't abide anyway - where are the paper bags?)

Road is still a little tricky between here and the hut - and at the top of the drive - even after it's been plowed. It's passable for me, and I think S too - I've driven front wheel drive through lots worse - and he grew up in Chicago, so I'm guessing he doesn't WANT to go anywhere. Hol, on the other hand, is making as many trips out as she can to relive the boredom, tedium, and being stuck with someone who won't engage with her - about anything. So Mom is seeing a lot of her and trying to help relieve that need to talk, and bounce off another human being. We future-plan, imagine, dive deep into the universal questions and philosophy... and have both lost complete interest in politics.

I'm still piddling with cleaning the kitchen; organizing stuff for taxes; playing with/taking care of kitties... herding dogs, as needed... and not really sharing with Hol how much B & I communicate daily; every day. It just accentuates what she's trying to deal with, with little success right now. We are also evolving how she & I communicate too. She agrees we've kinda of developed our own language - and that we've absolutely exhausted the topics we've talked about/processed for the last couple years. I pointed that we always have the same conversation, trying to brainstorm solutions that have already failed - so until inspiration strikes - why continue having that conversation?

[Hopalong]

You're really bearing the weight with a lot of grace right now, Amber, imo.

Weight of waiting, abiding, holding the space, wrangling the tasks and preparations, parenting, friending, watching weather....plus all those things you do all the time in your choosing activity and living.

I hope snow when it comes is exceedingly beautiful, as I know it would be...and that rewards every cell in your mind and brings peace.

I am ready for more snow. Don't need more food or supplies, it's just me. But I crave that deep peace when the land is hushed and nobody's driving. The other day it wasn't snow but the super bowl that cut local traffic by more than half, and it felt like driving through this town in the 50s. Loved it.

Just gentler, all over. I keep forgetting there are things I love about winter.

Hope the activity-peace balance stays good, even with some sorrowful memories, and hope you just let your roots grow into your mountain and find that connection sustains you.

hugs
Hops