2021 Farm Log

[Hopalong]

A yi YIIIII!

Did B. have his appointments or get turned away from them?


Chewing toenails with loud cud noises...

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

He got the MRIs done last week. Yesterday's appt was with Infectious Disease doc up in my college stomping grounds - and when he got the call from next week's appt that "everything" was approved, he accepted that it included yesterday's too. But she's in a different hospital system; says not approved... so her "liability was too great" to see him, even on his private insurance. (Still trying to figure that out.) And she said with him liviing at such a distance she couldn't treat him at home - not licensed in that state. He is perfectly willing to stay here as long as it takes.

When we see the back doc next week, he'll hear about this and perhaps can refer him to a doc at his hospital instead of out of the system.

So, the infectious disease appt (and treatment) is the most important piece of the puzzle. Reason being, he already knows he'll need surgery again to implant a new pump. And the infection can't exist during surgery. SOP.

I'm thinking that getting him moved here simplifies things. I don't know that for a fact, it just seems like it would. We'll see what help the spine doc is next week.

[sKePTiKal]

(cont'd)....

Emotionally, it seems I'm going through the rollercoaster again. Reminiscent of Mike's medical odyssey. I understand B's anger over this; the frustration; the knowledge that he's followed all the rules (insurance stuff) and some non-medical person state's away can approve or deny medical appointments - at their whim & discretion. It's why it feels like there's something we don't know - yet. Someone has clearly conditioned him to believe that his anger isn't an appropriate emotion... given how apologetic and contrite he is when he expresses it. He said & did nothing that was out of the range of normal yesterday.

When asked if there is anything that can be done to rectify the situation and be able to proceed... saying "I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do under the circumstances" isn't particularly helpful. I let him say his piece and donned my professional armor; winking at the nurse bearing the bad news and smiling and thanking her on our way out the door. It's not her decision or fault. And I was just as angry and upset as B; we both know that clearing the infection is necessary to get to the surgery required.

And left untreated, his health is deteriorating. Now it's stomach issues - he thinks due to infection in abdominal cavity putting pressure on his stomach. We're working around that with mini-meals and eating several extra times a day - and supplementing with Boost.

But unlike my first "rodeo" he continues to stay hopeful, working at problemsolving, cheerful, sweet & funny. Being physically active & mentally busy helps him manage pain levels - as long as he doesn't overdo it. We've been taking turns cooking. The shop is a little closer to being done too.

After Monday's appt, we'll start making plans -- or adjusting -- or whatever we need to do.

[Hopalong]

B is so lucky that he's no longer going through this endless health and pain trial alone. Incredibly fortunate.

You are alive with having him to care for and understand. And lord knows you've taken on some tough ones.

I hope all of this bonds you both, maintains his autonomy and dignity, and comes to a beautiful balance of giving and receiving. He needs to independently make decisions but you are so good at research and processing information (which he must be exhausted by), I imagine you as an ideal partner for him in this chapter of his life.

Don't forget to just be you, Amber. Be you as more important than being in charge. Or even fixing it all. B may be only partly fixable (infection, damage, etc.). But you've already figured out how to love him.

That's the deepest pain relief there is. Continue wise boundaries and your separate self. Know that no matter what, his understandable frustration Is NEVER To Be Taken Out On You. (I know you know that, but in the depth of The Project, keep that boundary always....)

MUCH hope for you guys. Remember kindly: This is such a new scene for you. Take really good mindful care of yourself no matter what is happening with or to dear B.

Your first relationship is and always must be with yourself. (I know you know.)

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

At this point..... it's simply heinous fockery, imo.

There are hoops B must jump through, fine.

But setting hidden, unknowable hoops, under the circumstances particularly, is hf.

B is a very special person to maintain his attitude and intestinal fortitude the way he does. 

You're both due some human kindness and help from unexpected places, ime.

::Sending healing light and prayers::.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

There have been some bright spots Lighter.

His T wrote him a prescription for a combo of antibiotics - which none of the pharmacies had available. He got a local large animal vet to fill it with horse antibiotics. Yeah. You heard that right. Then, there was walking through my college "town" (it's not really big enough to call it that - but whatever. We had a mid-afternoon knosh at my favorite bakery... and left, with my purse still hanging on the chair. I realized it half a block away and no one had even noticed. Then there was the lovely hotel employee who treated B with kid gloves and extra TLC. Hol has been on her own a lot with S working... and she's been sweet too.

Had chili ready for us, when we got back Tuesday.

Our fingers are still crossed that the back doc on Monday will have some brilliant solution. But, at this point - we just need to know where we stand so we can make plans from there - no matter what we find out.

Today, Hol is cleaning & decorating studio for when friend Deb gets here... and even my same-age old BFF from Jr. High is sending a commemoration of my birthday (which isn't till next week). It's party weekend. B and I are 65 now. I've known V for over 50 years; getting real close to 60. Birthday parties for me are rarer than hen's teeth. (I'm usually giving one.)

I *think* I found the source of his nausea & vomiting; I *think* it's correcting itself. It's only day two, but last night's chicken & dumplings (2 helpings) stayed put without anything more than his normal heartburn. We removed one drug, and I added a tad of ginger in the herbs in the chicken.

B's been working on fixing the damage to Helga - since Hol connected with a pine tree headed from studio to Hut in an ice storm last winter. He is doing what he knows and likes to do - so is happy. We're up to the last few episodes of season 8 in our 2 trip binge of Game of Thrones.

So not all bad here at all. Challenging sometimes - but I have skills, and experience. I'm perfectly OK with the situation as it is, even though IDEALLY I want the desired result. B is very smart, creative - and knows how the gov bureaucracy works, in his particular case. I bring fresh eyes, ideas & perspective to the situation... and methodical logic. Go figure. Neither of us expected to find love at our age. And all this time to getting him completely moved in, has demonstrated a lack of fickleness, dissembling, or any other red flags that give either of us pause. We can almost read each other's minds at this point... but neither assumes the other is accurate. 

[sKePTiKal]

So, we're still moving forward. The military friendly NP has referred him to a local infectious disease specialist. Now waiting on appt from them, after they receive the paperwork.

Stopping one of the meds he was prescribed has resolved the worst of his stomach issues. Nausea & vomiting showed up under common side effects. And he has been sleeping MUCH better, more often.

I am starting to notice some patterns now. The kinds of negative, self-reinforcing feedback loops like I know we have some experience with. I am able to deflect those from spinning up & taking control of his expectations (and self-fulfilling prophecy pattern) - pretty easily. We work pretty well together that way. And I don't think he's overly attached to negativity. Getting him to admit fear, however, is going to take some more work on my part... so we can address things more logically. It's a definite issue with someone who's been alone so long - you don't have anyone else's point of view to temper your own. I see that in myself some too. Not going to be able to "fix him" - I just want to keep him from catastrophizing and making himself angry.

Overall, we're still having fun. Yesterday wasn't one of my best days - and by the time we were headed back home, I was whiny & crabby. But it never phased him. We both recognize the stubborn in each other. And we still had a good evening.

Gorgeous day today. And next week, he'll be gone again (leaves Tuesday). So while he's finishing up Helga's repairs, we should still have time to make some fun runs out & about. That means that there will likely be one more trip here for appts. before the last move. He has some stuff to take care of first. He thinks he has his house sold, so he needs to be more pain-free to finish up unloading his packrat nest. (I have been warned that he doesn't want to continue that way. Lightening his load is feeling pretty good to him.)

There are some things I'm going to need to create in the house for Buck-space & organization. Not that it'll help when he sets something down & forgets where. LOLOLOL. But I'm anti-clutter... and he tries. I just have to make it easier. 

[lighter]

I hope things keep moving in the right direction, Amber.  One step at a time with the medical stuff. 

Check your in box.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

SIGH...

He just left. Still waiting on Infectious Disease appointment. We're hoping it's a short turnaround this time. I think we might've found part of the obstacles preventing this process from moving forward more quickly -- and have a plan to address that. Quickly.

He made me dinner last night. Love a man who cooks!

Depending on how much he & I can accomplish before Christmas, this MIGHT be the last trip back south, minus an extra run for his storage unit stock.

[Twoapenny]

Skep, I am keeping every limb I have crossed that the medical issues become easier to manage and that the final move day is sooner rather than later.  I can only imagine how frustrating this has been for so long for Buck to deal with alone and how it must be such a tonic for him to have someone by his side.  It can be a lonely path.  I hope whatever that obstacle is clears away soon.

[Hopalong]

Beside you on the porch, Amber, watching his truck head down the driveway....I can so imagine that sigh.

But medical update sounds hopeful to me. I add my hope-energy to the wave coming your and Buck's way. WHAT a relief it would be to get through the bottleneck together.

I hope upcoming Tgiving brings you joy even if he can't be there this time. Unless I misunderstood and this is a straight there, load his truck, straight back thing.

I heard happiness in that sigh, too. How good to have him to sigh over. I'm so glad.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Turnaround depends on the next appt. They will test for infection; then either treat or clear him for surgery - to reinstall pain pump. The surgery means he needs to recover here and get it filled the first time. Get that whole process set up.

Then, he'll be able to do more faster on his end. I have a metal shop to close in - then he can move the big stuff. We need windows and doors. Small tools, work clothes etc stuff already here. It would take a miracle of things coming together just right for the next trip up to be the last -- but sometimes things work that way. It may require my assistance on his end.

We THINK the turnaround time will only be a couple, few weeks this time - but one never knows with healthcare offices these days.

[lighter]

It's all coming together, Amber.  How wonderful for you and B.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Lighter!

It's still a tough situation but there is a slow, warm happiness that comes over me when he's been here a couple weeks. And a determination to see this current medical "request" through to a complete conclusion without drama. With patience and dogged stubbornness. To get him as free as possible from all gov't control over his insurance and med choices - those damned pre-approvals.

No giddiness; no serious fantasizing - no wishing it were "different". Just enjoying being with him, the way it is. We laugh a lot. He teases me; I comment on how he needs one place to put all his man "stuff" so he doesn't lose it (which gives me a pretext for redecorating the main living area, don't you know).    He cooks - and enjoys it - and does a good job. Does his own laundry - even tho I've told him, it's OK; I'm doing laundry too - I'll deal with it. The living together is EASY with him. We don't need "summits" to discuss how things are going to "work" - we just deal with one thing at a time together. He is comfortable with the way I drive; I'm trying to be with him - but that's always been an issue for me, I still freak out with Hol driving and she learned it from me.

There aren't any power struggles or ego-driven control spats. We both have our domains; our private time & solitude within being together. And rationally, it all seems too good to be true - but after the years we've been doing this, even at a distance - it's not that difficult. He and Hol are getting along pretty well. They have skills in common and he is always open to teaching a receptive and diligent student. She gravitates to his strong paternal instinct, which has matured and understands she's capable.

I just feel that in a lot of subtle ways - I'm "softening"; finally able to give up juggling all the various active participation in every aspect of everything that needs to be done here. And exploring the things I WANT to do, instead of HAVE to do... and that's a huge gift for me. He's filled my wood racks; fixed inumerable little problems with the various equipment here; connected with Ricky - my backhoe expert & benefactor - on hunting life around here and is fitting in pretty well. Lots of gratitude these days for "what is" and for not being in charge of making it so. Lots of healing going back & forth between him & I too - those old emotional wounds. He's even having a good influence on Hol without being obvious about it.

This separation isn't going to be like the last one; I'm not going to dive into a negative, passive, sad feedback loop about him not being here. It won't be long now, till he is - once and for all - and we're both more confident it will be OK for both of us.

[lighter]

I'm so happy to read B and Hold are getting along. 

I know you guys are doing your very best to get medicine ball rolling......I know you're capable and competent.

I believe it's a good thing you're building with B.  Grabbing and enjoying it seems prudent.

::Nodding::.

Lighter