Thanks Hops. If anything, the whole sexual aspect of this older intimate relating is just as fraught with angst, conflict with desire, & physical limitation/awkwardness as one's first time. I do think we're being patient with each other and ourselves tho. And both of us making jokes.
I think... which means I might not see clearly about this... that B and I physically express the deeper emotional truths between us, like that exposed spotlighted vulnerability of just who and what we are at this age and our way of connecting to each other; our intuitive perception of the other, the deep down affection we hold for each other. That adds additional complexity, as compared to sex as just physical release of energy.
The latter doesn't involve or require any emotional involvement at all. Still can be deeply satisfying; still invites feeling connection (which is how some people comfuse lust with love) and like everything in a marriage - becomes habit. So we're barely dancing... but just trying out how it feels to finally relax into letting go and just DANCING and understanding that we're not really losing ourselves in it.... just shifting perception lenses.... and that it's safe to trust that much.
And that all sounds like an extremely elaborate explanation/excuse/rationalization for fear, doesn't it?
I might resemble that. LOLOLOLOLOL. And it's hilariously funny because at no time in my life have I been shy this way. Despite being raped so young, I was adamant that it wouldn't affect my enjoyment of this basic human instinct. But this - B & I - is way more than sex. And that ups the stakes for both of us, I think.
He was deeply hurt by his Ex's sudden rejection of him 20 years ago - due to injury/scars. He thought I was patronizing him and BSing when I told him "chicks dig scars". I completely understand how hard it would be to trust anyone ever again. I also know, that we're both entirely capable of rising to a challenge and in our previous meetings things have been more intense. But we're wise enough to understand that the comfort of day to day interacting is where the lasting connection is; where it's won/lost sometimes too. Relationships go through moods and seasons, too.
By late September, my normal increase in energy will be hitting and I'll have recovered from the enervating lassitude of this summer's extreme heat and humidity. He likes heat; works his butt off in it and it doesn't affect him at all. I can barely move in it without feeling completely weakened. It's better on overcast days - so I know it's the sun. He's looking forward to snow again (spent time at/above the arctic circle) and of course fires.
