Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
DD18 seeing nutritional response practitioner (NRP)
Twoapenny:
Can I just say as I'm reading all of this how beneficial it is to me to read these accounts of managing health problems of older children and the pitfalls you've all encountered. My son is still dependent in a lot of areas so we're not at that 'flying the nest/living their own life' stage yet, but it's very helpful to me to read how easy it is to step over that line just because you love them. And how badly they can take it, even though the intentions are nothing but good. Not easy to watch people mess up, especially when you can see it coming from a mile away. It's good for me to keep that in mind. I hope this all gets easier for you to navigate with your D, Lighter xx
sKePTiKal:
Lighter - one thing I've recently tripped over, is that sometimes our kids take what we intend as simple motherly concern & care into their perception completely differently. For instance, not trusting them to be competent or adult in their understanding or actions. Even when that's been expressed in the midst of accolades of rising to a challenge not many people could tackle. (in this case, I understand there is some old experience still being untangled that doesn't have anything to do with the facts in that situation)
People absolutely have control over their perceptions and while we sometimes agree to share a certain perception or perspective or even interpretation of shared experience - quite often they vary a lot from person to person. May be the most important individualizing factor, for all I know. Those perceptions may only be relevant to someone's internal "reality" -- and outside people aren't really aware that this is the case.
So, there can be these kinds of very confusing conflicts. They aren't the sum total of that relationship - but it's related to that person's inner struggle and perhaps (in my case) being locked on like a heat-seeking weapon to my own perception/understanding of what I intended... and zero-awareness of how that person, in that moment, might perceive it. I shift in/out of that focus a lot, all the time... so I seldom notice when I'm not actively scanning for potential miscommunication. Sigh. Sometimes I just don't have the energy to be able to do that.
It's not a big deal. And I seriously doubt it's something that can be permanently prevented or overcome. It's just something that happens between people. One small trill of notes in 2-3 measures of a symphony. But I do notice with adult children their perception of not just memories - but the actuality of the present moment - can be 180 degrees from what I'm aware of. Just for that moment; it's not necessarily a conclusion written in stone for all infinity.
It's just because we're all different people with a whole universe inside that isn't necessarily always shown on the outside.
lighter:
Ah, crap. Now I'm wondering if I;m a covert N.
This morning I asked DD20 if she wanted to take the 11am dental tooth cleaning tomorrow morning..... I have an 8am. Sister has a 10am. We could have made the morning and lunch of it. The outlet mall is a few minutes away. There are things I need for the renovation. Sounded good to me.
I tried not to judge myself harshly. I came back and re read this thread. I tried to let the sting of DD20's barked "NO" not get to me, but it sort of did.
The fact she slept in my bed, with her pug....
the fact the dental receptionist phoned to verify appointment times, let me move DD18's appointment from 11 to 10, meant I had good information I shared with DD20 IF she was interested in getting back on track with the dentist.
That she didn't...... is about her. Nothing to do with me. I let it go.
At breakfast DD18 and I were at the dining room table eating our protein and fat.... yummy. DD20 squeezes in with her raw cookied dough and birthday cake icecream, her breakfast..... DD20 rarely eats with us in the same room.
DD 18 begins complaining. I note, calmly, it's not nice of her to do that then scoop up the pug and wash her in the kitchen sink, which changes the subject, bc DD18 has missed the pug so..... she's up and at the sink, snuggling the pug. Food doesn't come up again and I hear the girls leave in DD20's car without saying goodbye.
I'm glad they're sharing time together, but wonder about enabling behaviors as I feed, walk and dry baby girl pug after her bath. I've missed the pug too, after all. I need to get out an stretch my legs too, I tell myself.
I'm apparently aiming some of my maternal energy at the pug's nutritional needs.... bc.... I can't do that with DD20? Probably. I've put the pug on Dr. Mrty's freeze-dried raw food and daily pro biotics. I KNOW what it is, I do. I'm not judging it. Just trying to see it with clarity.
The girls pop in, DD18 grabs her supplements and invites me to dine at a new Indian restaurant downtown. I already have my second very large helping of organic chicken salad out, ready to go. I say I'm shopping tubs for the renovation... go have fun. I am and she does.
I have a question about the renovation....will post it on the Lake thread next.
So, the girls return from dinner.... DD20 pops into my bathroom as I ready my third very large helping of chicken salad today. Really sick of chicken salad, btw.
The pug scooches her bum on her bed, then on the rug, then in the bathroom with DD20.... I hear DD20 say, "Uh oh."
DD18 goes to the hallway where DD20 left the bathroom door wide open. DD20 orders her away, then me as I come up behind her to see if there's a problem...... well.
Back in the kitchen, tending to my dinner, DD18 and I watch the pug scooch her bum on the bare floor then the rug again. What little appetite I had evaporates and I KNOW DD20 won't make an appointment with the vet to deal with those pesky, overtly full anal glands.
I'm suddenly feeling very similar to when my father refused to get second and third opinions about delicate brain surgery.
If I didn't order his records, make 2 appointments with neuro docs, carry the 40lbs of MRIs.... you guys remember the story. It wouldn't have gotten done.
The same with the pug's arse...... if I don't make the appointment, it doesn't get done.
DD20 has taken the pug a time or two, after I've made the appointment, but she behaves as though it burns her to pick up the phone. Anxiety response. She might even scratch herself a bit if I push.
I'm frustrated bc some part of me is NOW wondering if I'm on the N spectrum.... manipulative, etc bc I asked DD20 if the pug scooched her arse in the bathroom, where she could see. DD20 said she did.
SOme very resistent part of me, the part refusing to let my father go into brain surgery without doing his due diligence...... said.....
"the pug needs her bum done" as DD20 walked by on her way upstairs.
See...... I'm really REALLY struggling with the scent of the pug's anal gland contents....not that she's leaking just now, but it's only a matter of hours.
I wasn't keep in the idea of watching my father learn to breathe, walk, talk and swallow again, but that's what I was going to have to do....it's what I DID DO. I bathed him plenty, fed him, popped pills into his mouth and let him yank on my neck to stand and sit down, even though he could do it on his own. He actually could walk a bit, but chose not to, bc he couldn't do it well.
So, how does that tie in with the pug's anal glands smearing HUGE foul fish stink that could knock a buzzard off a shite wagon all over the home I occupy?
I don't think I can make peace with it. No. I am CERTAIN I cannot.
I can leave the house tomorrow, after the dental stuff, and try not to think about the pug on the sofa, the floors, the rugs, perhaps my bed, bc DD20 likes to take over my room when I'm not here, but I doub't it's possible to stop thinking about it.
OK, the pug is sniffing her own bum. It's happening.
Calming self before going to speak to DD20 about the dog.
I don't want to ask her to move out.
I don't want to give her dog away, though someone asked to take her off our hands just today.
Logical consequences of not caring for an animal should be losing that animal, IMO, but I Iove the pug too. DD18 loves the pug too.
I can't force DD20 to care for her dog, and it IS her dog.
I could't force my father to put off a surgery that would paralyze him so he'd have to work to recover..... KNOWING he'd refuse to do that work, which he did.
And I live with...lived with the consequences....... it touches my life, touched my life. He failed and it was 4 women bathing him, feeding him, lifting him, ruining backs and allowing him to get away with not walking and doing rehab, but for learning to swallow so he could eat and drink scotch again. So. Sad.
I'm not going to speak to dd20 till you guys chime in.
WHY don't I know what to do?
Lighter
lighter:
Couldn't wait.
I gathered myself, knocked on DD20's door and asked if she had a moment. She did. I very genty enquired if she was going to do something about the uncomfortable pug in the dining room....... DD20 said she would, but wasn't sure what.
Things are calm and respectful at this junction, btw.
I ask her if she's asking me for advice.
She says she thinks she is.
I ask her if she knows who the vet is. She does. She can find the number on their website.
I let her know her chances of getting an appointment first thing when they open will increase the odds pug is seen today. That's best case scenario.
I go back to my business and DD18 calls me into her room.
She asks if I want to try to express the pug's glands myself. I tell her that moment passed...... I'm going back to my responsibilities. Earlier I would have tried if someone had helped me. I've done it before. DD18 and I were both traumatized by the pug's screams and the smell.
DD18 wants to know what I plan to do about the pug, the but rubbing and the obvious problem with hygien it creates.
I say......
nothing.
I'm releasing, abdicating, withdrawing and going back to my floor plans.
She's horrified..... what about the smell? The floor? The TOWEL? She wants to know... she has expectations.
Normally this would put me, a bottle of alcohol and way to trap the pug somewhere easy to clean in motion...... barricade the sofa, bedroom, bathroom etc.
Not tonight.
My lower back is tightening up-, but I think I'm doing the right thing. If I could put a lock on my bedroom door I'd do that and leave tomorrow before DD20 wakes up.
::sigh::
Lighter
lighter:
CB:
The Pug has been in her bed all evening. She'll sleep in DD20's room if I take her, and her bed, upstairs.
I'm going to trust DD20 to make an appointment first thing in the morning. Usually it's me doing it. Sometimes DD20 takes the dog in, but most of the time it's me.
I'm at least pretending I'll do nothing about it right now and throwing the ball into DD20's court. DD18 believes it. I think DD20 does too.
I'll be wrestling with myself in the morning...... wanting to call the vet first thing and nab an appointment, which is more likely the earlier the call is made.
Since I leave the house at 7:30 I'll have to trust DD20 will get up and act. She'll be asleep when I leave. So will the Pug.
I MIGHT make the appointmnt, then have the vet give DD20 THAT appointment if and when DD20 calls..... without telling her I did it myself first thing.
I want DD to feel the weight of caring for her dog........ I want her to begin carrying it.
It feels like an important game of chicken's going on here.
I hope I play well. I hope you do too.
Thanks again for your input, CB. It's helpful.
Lighter
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