Using trauma as an excuse

[sKePTiKal]

Lighter said something that struck a nerve with me, because I'm seeing younger people (which means middle-aged  now LOL) accept that someone's "trauma" is a 3rd rail. Not to be touched, explored, questioned, etc. Even when it's causing harm to others. In fact, I see it almost being held up as some glorious, universal sacred truth about life. I've held my peace about this - so far. Lighter said:

I can say.....they might have been victimized in childhood....traumatized, but that's just a reason.  It's not an excuse to allow more harm and to remain mystified about the reality of what they continue to do.  It's meant to destroy me and my beloved children.....at all costs.  I can't spin my wheels wondering if they ever shiver and sob with regret and honest reflection, bc they don't.  End if story. Easy to leave behind, bc life without that......
that......
destructive, malicious force aimed at my head....our heads.....is where I want to live.

I absolutely agree with the bolded above. Both from experience and hearing other people relate their realizations about this. I used to say about my own trauma, "it's not a life sentence". And for me, it wasn't; because I shifted, one excruciating step at a time, from being passive: learned helplessness made reality - to actively changing my dysfunctional behaviors. To the best of my ability, at any rate. It's still a work in progress, as life is in general.

But when a person who is carrying a painful, unresolved trauma around with them comes into a group situation of their peers, those peers immediately circle the wagons guarding the "sacred person with trauma" - and walking on eggshells to not poke that, or provoke it and guarding them against being triggered by other people who are just being people. I can't say specifically what I think is wrong with this but it just doesn't feel right to me. It neither helps the trauma carrier work through their issues, or provides "acceptance" into the group - warts & all - because of the dysfunctional silence around the topic of trauma (protecting the wounded).

The result is - no one is interacting or engaging on anything other than a superficial level; they're not really connecting. I understand the fear surrounding vulnerability, especially for someone who's been traumatized so I'm not blaming them. That's not an excuse to NOT find a way to deal with one's issues, either. Just trying to wrap my head around what I've been observing... to take into consideration all sides of the equation. Oh, one other thing that muddies the topic even more for me - is merely the definition of what constitutes "trauma". Many times, I see people claim the variety of experiences all people live with, through, and move on from are being held up as "trauma"; or some other disappointment from childhood: "I never had a pony" syndrome.

Anyway, tossing this to the group for input & thoughts; ideas. My experience and reading simply isn't the end all, be all answer to this phenomenon I'm observing. It reminds me a LOT of the "protective silence" used to enable alcoholics, ya know?

[Twoapenny]

I saw something like this in a friend of mine, Skep.  Her brother beats women and has done for years.  He's been in prison because of it several times.  He's attacked my friend and their father, I think.  He had a baby recently and my friend was outraged that the probation service and social services called a child protection meeting before the baby was born.  I think he attacked the mum when the baby was few months old.

The excuse that was trotted out repeatedly was that his mum left when he was little and then came back, took one of the other siblings and left again (leaving him behind).  It was a shitty thing to do, there's no doubt about that and yes, an event like that can have a terrible affect on a young child.  It can also be the reason why a teenager, perhaps, acts out and does things they shouldn't do.  But this guy now is nearly forty and will not take responsibility for anything he does.  The mum and both the sisters leap to his defence every time and blame the women he attacks.  When he needs money they give it to him, when he needs somewhere to stay they let him stay, when he attacks his own family members they defend him.  My friend went to court and spoke on his behalf after he attacked her - she actually spoke in his favour.  And none of them can see the part they're playing in keeping him in this cycle of erupting, attacking and then having to deal with the aftermath.  It was awful that his mum left but his dad is a good man who looked after him well, as did his older siblings.  He still saw his mum, she didn't disappear from his life, they had a nice home, holidays, they were all well looked after.  But it's trotted out again and again as a sort of mantra as to why everyone else should tiptoe around him and not set him off.  Very weird.

By way of a contrast, a childhood friend of mine was abandoned by his mum when he was five and he never saw her again.  She had six kids, took three of them, left three and never kept in touch with the others.  He was raised by a dad and stepmum who were both fairly unemotional people, nine of them living in a three bedroom house (the stepmum had kids of her own and then they had kids together as well), very little money and not a lot of encouragement from anybody.  He's never even shouted at a woman, let alone hit one.  I did tell that little tale to my friend and she ignored it.  I don't get it.  It is enabling, I think, to never have anyone in your life just tell you you're being an idiot, if that's needed, you know?

[sKePTiKal]

I tried to reply yesterday and got an error message; could've been browser - could've been site. Let's see what happens. Okee-doke, it was just a blip.

Right about the time I posted the long-gone reply, I did see the patterns of Nism of what I'd described. This is a new iteration, I guess.

If all of us lashed out, and expected to be taken care of indefinitely, in infant fashion, because we'd suffered through some of life's more major challenges... there'd be no one to be the enabler or carer. I'm not talking about the kind of compassion we offer others immediately following a traumatic experience, to be clear. People do need support & assistance; an opportunity to grieve and to resume feeling a measure of safety again.

Still thinking on it.

[Twoapenny]

I think there's a balance (and I think balance is what seems to be missing a lot of the time in many situations?).  My childhood experiences definitely had a huge impact on me and created certain situations in my adult life - but I mostly hurt myself rather than others and I wanted to change so it was more about understanding how x, y and z had created blah blah and then figuring out how to change that.  Rather than this happened, now I'm like that and I won't do anything, I expect everyone else to put up with it.  It's one thing to be understanding and compassionate when someone's going through a tough time (which can include dealing with old stuff; we all know what that can be like to wade through!) but I think there's always a line, and always a point where you just have to get on with it and stop making excuses (world's best excuse maker here )  CB, I've been the same with the codependency stuff - so understanding and able to cope with whatever someone else does, without making any demands for myself.  It's a tricky web to get out of, I think x

[sKePTiKal]

Well, it seems I'm processing (finely minced! and thoroughly combined) a lot of stuff like this at a really deep level. Dreams have been intense and bizarre and a jumble of people & places from different times in my life, all week long. Ever since I posted my initital inquiry. This hasn't happened for a long time; the dreaming. I don't know what my subconscious is doing - so I'm just letting it be, until there's some useful information presented.

Ya, I've been dubbed the queen of excuses before, so I know it's a defense mechanism. In my case, I was terrified of unpacking all the "old stuff" that "made me like I am". So, fear is at the root of it all. And I know that the "moment" where it becomes important or even just OK, to unpack it comes at different times for people. And in my case, I had to have absolute safety, trust, and HELP to get past the block I'd placed on all that... just to unpack it and see/know what was in there. Sometimes shame is involved, too. And it's more shame over what happened to one, or for people who should've protected against it -- even though that's not always humanly possible -- than because one did anything wrong; and for some people, the shame is even a harder nut to crack than fear.

So, I can't come to a complete understanding or conclusion about the reason for my inquiry in the first place. Yet. It feels like something is missing. On the one hand, some people become manipulative, Nish, as a way protect oneself - the defense mechanism reflex. And on the other - that's just who they are; and because "trauma" - society is excusing them and it becomes another tool in their toolbox for getting what they want without reciprocating. And they have no incentive - or even desire - to change that about themselves.

In both cases, that's seen as an important strength.

See what I'm saying? My brain doesn't feel big enough to hold both of those things in it at the same time, and allow for any standard of "early warning detection alarm" for boundaries... and knowing when some compassion & maximum patience is called for instead. It's important to understand, to be able have a way of knowing which one, one is dealing with... to know the best way to interact with them. To avoid becoming entangled with someone who has absolutely no intention of being responsible for themselves. Their behavior to others. Or even themselves.

[Twoapenny]

It is tricky, Skep.  I haven't found a formula or solution for that.  I try and pick my way through situations - is the person capable of doing x?  If yes, and they're not, why is that?  Unable emotionally (too painful)?  Too overwhelmed with multiple problems?  Blocking too much out (drink, drugs, long work hours etc).  I try to juggle things as I go along.  My sister is in a situation at the moment - she's dealing with it but not as proactively as I would.  I'm trying to refrain from telling her to do things differently but I'm also aware that I'm happy to listen to her talk through the different things she's trying but not happy to listen to her complain without doing something about it.

I remember a therapy session years ago, when I was telling the therapist that my stepdad never said thank you for a card or present.  "He just can't", I said, "it's something he can't do".  "Can't or won't?" was her response.  And she was right; he was perfectly capable, he just chose not to.  That's always stuck in my mind - the element of choice.

I don't know if that's on the same wave length you're on at the moment but it's what came to mind when I read your post xx

[lighter]

Wow, Tupp.  Reading your dipshit step d never thanked you for a card created quite the reaction in my nervous systtem...bolts of white hot rage BAM!!  It rolled over and past me quickly, btw.  Knee-jerk reaction still alive and well. 

About people being damaged, Amber, or using their trauma as excuse to manipulate without responsibility.....
I have to believe most people are born innocent.  I had this discussion with my T a while back and in her opinion it's trauma hammering us out if shape. 

If some of us can't change that shape, bc the necessary self reflection and understanding is too painful/shameful/threatening.....it's still the trauma what broke them all the same.

It's difficult not to witness harm and harmful people without judging them, for me.  My reaction to Tupp's SF is an example unlikely to change.

But something happened to him.  His life was altered.  Maybe he identified with the monster, if there was a monster.  Something.

I just can't go through life discerning who's broken in likely to recover ways and who's not.

People do better or they don't.  They'd BE better people, if they had all the choice, imo. It can't be easy being a sick criminal hiding in the dark, waiting to be outed.  Terrible way to live, at least from my perspective.

My.....I won't say struggle, but there's some difficulty taking my energy back from people who enjoy duping delight and harming others for giggles.  That has the potential to take and hold my attention w/o distraction.

THAT is beyond my ability to comprehend....likely, bc I'm a good target for them, but also my protective nature stands right up and prioritizes it.  I want everyone to be ok.  I used to lend the benefit of the doubt freely. 

Not anymore.

Show me who you are and I'll believe you.

The mystification of family systems, put in place when a child's survival depended on a dysfunctional FOO/abusers, etc is a scorching hot puzzle for them to work through, esp for folks who neeed everyone to be ok.

People peddling through life in survival mode, hanging on by their fingernails trying to sustain a FOO story around abusers and dysfunction are enablers, sure.  Is there malice when they enable ongoing harm?  Likely not, but people continue to be harmed just the same.

Protecting abusers....enabling them is sometimes more upsetting to me than watching the abusers do what they do.

Under it all, everyone sustains trauma, is shaped by it to some degree, overcomes it or doesn't.

I don't have to make complete sense of it to know my job is to limit or avoid the harmful people.  I don't have to give second chances.  I don't have to be nice. 

How I deal with the harmful people, I can't avoid, is the real question for me.  Giving up on them, while having to interact with them, is taxing. 

Does it matter why they can't do better if they can't do any better?  That's one of those discernment things I don't have to figure out. 

Adjusting my expectations, radical acceptance, releasing the need to protect, change, heal people and situations....that's my focus now.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

"Can't or won't?" came out of my mouth too, Tupp.

But I do see Lighter's point about the answer not mattering, since the impact on people around them is still harmful. I'm going to have read Lighter's post a few times. In different head spaces. And think about it some more. Trying on different perspectives.

There isn't an "answer" here, on this topic, I guess. But just exploring and contemplating things. Who knows what'll turn up?