I have such gratitude for the shared maternal experiences.
CB, Hops and Amber.....
truly.
Such gratitude.
This afternoon, Oldest dd drove youngest to the botanical garden after helping her get dressed........the gathering is a Goth themed affair, complete with black Demonias. They're a creative, happy bunch. Both girls seem relaxed and happy right now. I've got my head down, working on paint plan for trim, doors and walls.... what colors, where to begin and end..... adding trim to the front door and perhaps the master bedroom french doors so we don't waste any steps. I always go back to.....
how do we get the biggest bang for the buck AND limit the amount of work. There have to be limits and that helps a lot.
i have some reservations around NOT spending more time DOING holiday type things with the girls,but they've been reveling in playing games since DD19 built her new computer. I hear joyful laughter and don't interrupt it. I'm happy doing what I'm doing. They seem very happy doing what they're doing. Sometimes I think they SAY they're upset at the lake...with the renovation, but are using that to express a general unhappiness and specific unrest around our shifting relationships and the stress of growining up without having set plans for themselves. It's difficult to not KNOW what's going to happen, esp when some friends are already IN school witih plans and one cousin graduated from University this year.
I find I have several modes of operating around them....moving slowly and calmly..... as though I'm dealing with nervous birds OR high energy GET THINGS DONE mom.....firing reasonable requests/asking politely but firmly for help and or for them to handle things I usually handle without complaint. Sometimes it's around care for the pug..... just normal things and I have to pay attention to see if that sometimes kicks off dd19's.... well...... it does. She sees older dd21 NOT helping for years, while creating chaos..... while dd19 did pitch in... acting as an older sib would,which also upset oldest dd who noted it with shame and upset while at therapeautic boarding school. There's always been that tension and I'm the kind of mom who points out strengths..... to the point the girls have badly criticised me for going overboard, which isn't my reality. I can't play the piano like a boss. Listening to them practice SOUNDS amazing to me and they get that, but still....they can be unkind while working that out, ending in acceptance I have no musical talent and honestly don't KNOW what's good playing and what's not. Coming from a family sans care or appreciate for music lessons, I'm impressed with the discipline to practice and master ANYTHING.... be in a band. Nuff said about that, but it's a theme with criticizing my parenting, as others have mentioned. Repeating pattern of girls competing for attention and to be NAMED the favorite child. I remember youngest used to ask who I'd save if I could only save one in a flood. She asked that a lot, actually. I'd always answer the same way....the could both swim, I'd make sure they both survived and I'd make it too. End of discussion.
If pushed and pushed I might say one was obviously more helpful or easier to be around,bc that was the blatant truth. The T who did a pscyh eval on me said oldest dd "didn't reinforce my parenting" whatever that meant. It FELT like having an oppositional defiant child smacking me in the back of the head for 10 years, frankly and I don't want to get into why, bc I think it makes me sound a bit unhinged to say it without having hard proof.....
:;whispering::.
it was my MIL poisoning her emotionally..... DD would never SAY that, but she admitted to "tormenting" me without giving a reason. THAT MIL sent her home to me defiant and oppositional, proclaiming she didn't have to do anything I said,bc i was a murderer, a thief and a criminal..... IMHO DID have something to do with it. That I took her out of a school where she was acting superstar...which she mourned and lamented and continued to dissociate, which BEGAN with the visits to the In Laws...... just saying. It happened.
Oldest DD began guilting me about youngest being my favorite years ago..... when they were 6 and 8yo I suppose. I KNOW that impacted the way I speak to oldest dd..... my stepfather said I sounded "frightened" of her and maybe I was, bc I was fighting in 2 or 3 courtrooms at any given time, dealing with placating N attorneys and all the people who go with trial prep..... and family members.... and school mums and teachers and people helping me get through and people saying they would but who just didn't and then I was flat footed trying to find someone to pick kids up from the bus stop, bc there was NO ONE slotted in.....I had a lot to do on very little sleep and limited coping strategies. BIG pat on the back I'm here and doing as well as I am...
::pat pat pat::. Yup yup yup. Big.
I do want to clarify....... the reason DD19 spends so much time at the Lake house (which happens to be under renovations) is bc she's seeing the Nutritionist in Atlant and the lake is a good point for traveling back and forth without wearing me out. I have had to stop and nap, on occassion, but driving all way from home to that appointment THEN to tthe lake is just too hard, though I've done it more than once. I don't feel safe driving while delieriously tired and i don't feel safe napping at gas stations either.
It's not so much me forcing participation as it is multi tasking in a way that preserves my emotional and physical health and both our safety as spending the night with folks in Atlanta feels very risky and IS very risky, IME. Me driving too tired is a risk. I try to balance everything and I can't please everyone perfectly. The girls likely feel pressure from me to GROW THE HECK UP when I'm busy DOING other things..... like renovating properties and that's cause for whatever uspet it causes them,but I can't save them from that. I feel perfectly reasonable asking them to pick up their own stuff and carry it, including the dog and effort in the kitchen and all that goes with it. I've veered off of asking them to participate in the renovation, though youngst helped paint the dog pee pee sub floor to get the job done. She's been a trooper and you know what?
I
modeled
being
a
trooper.
Both girls have it in them. Both can rise and both have at different times under different circumstances. DD21 rose at work..... she adulted, I would say, in that year so I KNOW she can do it, even if she's not practicing self care at home.... she has it in her to DO whatever she sets her mind to, as does dd19. I;ve released expectation and turned to my own stuff. I have things to tend to. I know this. It's OK... it's just a reset. A shift. A new way of seeing mom, for the girls and of me seeing myself. Like shifting sands under our feet...what used to be set in stone is now dissolving and being rebuilt in ways we're all learning about together. Boundaries. Yes.
Both girls have some perfection issues, as do I. It's not optimal,can be paralyzing, but it is what it is. There are pros and cons and we're getting pretty good at spotting it. I know, depending on "the lean" more and more, is a balm to my soul moving me through my days with less angst and worry. Food has been an issue for all of us... just the truth. I think it's difficult for everyone, at some point, bc eventually. It's certainly not just we three.
Hops.... I do think about doing everything I can, releasing outcome and embracing acceptance....releasing worry wtih everything... just more moving parts and pieces with kids. There are. It definitely is a 2 steps foward and 1 step back dance with shifting roles and responsibilities...... stuff rubbing against each other's stuff...... herky jerky movement to and fro the goal of all three having our own vibrant, independent lives, sans blame, shame and fear. Sometimes the herk and jerk seem like the problem when I lose emotional distance.
DD19 was fine with spending time at the lake, as I've said, until her sister began traveling with us or that's how I remember it NOW. Then the jealousy and emotional tumoil became more pointed and.....more terrorist like, I admit. DD19 broke down when I challenged her on it and refused to budge on a boundary I set, but hadn't really pushed back on till recently. I was doing the slow, calm mom thing.... pretending I was near a nervous bird routine. I only wish I'd held that boundary with less emotional energy, bc she could tell she'd touched my stuff,which was her goal. I admit it. I tend to get pushed beyond my ability to cope,which is pretty far...then I get a bit snappy. No raging. Just wide eyes and super pointed.....absolutely I could extend compassion while holding boundaries and that's my goal. THAT is what I really find challenging..... to FEEL less reactive and stressed and worried around the girls' stress of adulting, feeeeeling fear around their uncertain futures. DD19 talks a lot about the world heading into the crapper, bc global warming and plague and our culture's fixation on greed and separating the workers from the means of production so they can't afford to work 2 jobs and keep a roof over their familie's heads or food on the table. She feels these things very deeply and voices that. I don't tell her she has nothing to worry about, bc she does, obviously. I tell her I have a trauma informed T lined up.... I tell both girls this and so far neither have taken me up on it. I should forward it to both and releases expectation. I don't need to be involved and shouldn't be involved. That settles that.
::making all three of our dentist appointments.... and worrying DD19's "hypocrit!" criticism has some merit::.
I so want to rise above my stuff getting touched and just glide over it with buckets of sturdy cement applied to my boundaries with a fairy trowel.... effortless and second nature.... without upset. I try not to judge myself harshly when I fail.... just remind myself gently I CAN do this....and will, with practice. I express sorry dd19 feels difficult things...some aimed at my head and heart. I acknowledge and validate her and I have to admit to her I wasn't perfect, never claimed to be....I did the very best I could, as a mom. I cant go back and change anything, but honestly..... I'm shocked I did as well as I have, considering the ongoing conflict and crisis we lived in..... all those years spent sheltering them and wondering if I was doing them a disservice..... sometimes sure I was, but I honestly can't imagine NOT protecing and shielding them, so....
ya....
acceptance, Hops.
And learning not to let the kids go for my jugular when they're struggling.... or at least not letting it create reactivity FOR ME. That's IT. It's everything. Creating those few seconds to choose responsiveness and choice.
Doing our best, releasing outcome then moving into acceptance without tortmented rumination...... is a very good goal for all, me'thinks.
I repeat and blather incoherently a bit, I'm sure, but I'm multi tasking like mad and not proofing that response, Maybe later; )
Lighter
