My husband has been dead over a year now...........omg

[Bettyanne]

Its been so hard and I still miss him more then ever.  I love him so so  much. xoxo

[Hopalong]

(((Bettyanne))))

This must be so hard. I am very sorry.
You must be feeling very lonely and feeling his absence as a heartache.

I hope you'll write more about how you're feeling, because
we can listen.

hugs and comfort,
Hops

[Phyll]

Bettyanne my heart aches for you.  To be missing your husband and during a global pandemic too.  We are here for you.  He sounds like he was a wonderful companion and partner.

[lighter]

I hope you and your adult children are healthy and doing OK, ((Bettyanne.))

You were used to dealing with life and problems as a team.  I'm sorry you feel his absense so keenly.  I admire you both for finding and sustaining that lovely bond.  I'm glad you had that in your life.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Just want to send you my love and warm wishes, Bettyanne ((((((((BettyAnne)))))))))))

[sKePTiKal]

BettyAnne - IMO, your feelings are natural and normal. The first "anniversary" is the hardest. Just watch out for how much time you spend reliving the past, instead of trying to build a new kind of life now. It does get easier, the more time has passed, for most people. Especially if you can focus on present life and finding your new place in it.

[Bettyanne]

I think what is so hard is that I have known Bill since I was 16 and he was 17.......60 years...omg
I'm not going into in depth but I had a very difficult time with my mother.  Life was more about her then it was about anything.  I bought a book recently Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.......omg did that fit.....
Life was bad enough living with her mother and my retared brother who never walked or talked.......and a mother who runs out the door everyday to be a secretary.......
My father, brother and grandmother all died in 1964 ......and I was married to Bill on June 6th.....I get yelled at saying I have a husband and she has nothing.......but she always ran away not dealing with her son, husband, mother or me??
She worked until she was 100.....she finally died in 2012 almost 101......
I am lost in the meantime with the loss of my dear husband Bill.......that bitch took advantage of me again.....until she died
I could go on and on about her.......but really it was about her????
I realize now how she took advantage of me and my husband .......and people at the office or anyone she could take advantage of.......I wonder how God looked at this picture??
I know its easy to say let it go.......but that bitch used anyone an especially me and Bill.......
OK I need to stop......

[Hopalong]

It must be really hard to let go of your mother, Bettyanne...
it was never fair for you.

I hope at some point you'll be able to let her go.
She's had her run -- 100 years! -- so if you got some of those longevity genes,
maybe you'll have a couple decades for thoughts that make you feel happier.

I remember being so obsessed with my mother, how she wasn't motherly or warm or affectionate, and was so manipulative and dominating, for decades. Looking back, I wish I could have released her to the past and freed up my mind for better things.

But it just took me the time it took, so I sympathize with where you're stuck. In my case, I wasn't really free of her until I forgave her. I learned a few years before she died that her father abused his daughters. She was both broken and hollow and eventually, I stopped wishing for something from her that she didn't have to give. It helped when I would start down my same old narrative, and stop myself, and deliberately think of her as a little girl in a sick family. Then a held-back tide of compassion came up through me for her as a child. She did do me a lot of damage, but that started in her own damage, which was not her fault.

It was a huge relief. Brought me peace.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

You don't need to"stop" having the feelings, Bettyanne:

You're entitled to have every hard, difficult, agressively resentful feeling your mother put inside your brain and body.  It's Ok and necessary and good to take it out, examine it and finish with it.

I don't know how to do that without a trauma informed T to help one process those feelings so they can be filed away in historic files for good.....but I know pushing them down and expecting them to go away isn't likely going to get rid of them.

You deserve to be free of all the past trauma, (((Bettyanne.)))

You deserve to turn fully towards your present moments and all the good memories you built with B.

You might find some relief on the Emotional Freedom Tecniques site... I've heard good things about it,but never visited it.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Lighter, when I would do this:

when I would start down my same old narrative, and stop myself

I wasn't telling myself I had to "stop" negative feelings. I didn't judge them as wrong or bad and I had felt them and thought about them and validated and narrated them to myself incessantly for decades. These were deeply warn ruts in my mind. And well earned.

I just reached a point where an unexpected flood of understanding brought light. It began to smooth the ruts, and allow me peace.

I found I wanted peace, is all. I craved peace. I wasn't papering over toxic or terrible stuff or not processing the past. Peace and compassion just called to me more. Finally. It took as long as it took and by old age, many people with painful pasts do have a chance to find peace, if they're lucky.

I agree that all of Bettyanne's feelings are true and welcome. Absolutely. I wasn't suggesting otherwise. Just sharing my own experience, not suppressing hers.

hugs
Hops

[Bettyanne]

Hi dear friends.......
The abuse I suffered started at birth.........she put me in day care.....for the first five years of my life......when I was suppose to go to kindergarten she made arrangements for me to do 2 years of first grade........life was about herself and her escape of taking care of her son and me........when I was young not sure on the story but I lost the top of one of my fingers because she wasn't really watching me.........the list could go on and on and on......
she was not a mother.........I don't think she wanted to be either.....she used me and anyone she could........she could change her personality on a dime.  I saw and I new it........in time but it was something I couldn't do a thing about!!!!!
She knew what she was doing........
my husband drove her for years on the weekends to shrine where she volunteered to sell used items......and make money for the poor......( I had 6 kids........she hardly ever did anything for me or my kids that didn't suit herself and her needs)

I remember hearing that her friend took her to the shrine and charged her 25$ for one part of the ride there......ha good for this friend.......she paid her but not me or my husband......I guess we were suppose to???

I didn't really have a mother I had a control freak who put her needs before anyone......once a year the shrine would have a luncheon and oh boy she got praised for all she did raising money for them..........not me or my husband we were ???

I sure realize now how I was used and abused.......she was good at how she made me feel I owe her and for what??? I had six kids and was treated to a pizza ......I didn't need

I wonder today ........since she died at 100 and was such a big fund raiser for the shrine.....PS she also told people how bad I was.......yicks......I was taking care of my kids most of the time......oh I could go on and on.....I realize how I was abused and used my therapist says.......she trained me that way........

I more then anything today miss my husband......who was a good man and was always nice to me and our kids......I wish I knew to get away from her when I was younger.....I didn't and was caught in the mouse trap......
'
We've all learned a lot from abusvie parents and people like nuns who could tell you your no good.....today I see it all so different......stay away from mentally sick and abusive people......be good to yourself and your family......Love is the answer for it all......don't get caught and be abused by selfish people ........that's not what life is about.........enjoy yourself xoxo

[Hopalong]

I'm really happy to learn that you have a therapist, BettyAnne.

So glad you have this support.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hi, Hops:

I was responding to Bettyanne's last comment in her post....
" OK  I need to stop."

I wasn't in any way responding to your post; )

You always provide valid experience and opinions.  How wonderful to have so many viewpoints on this board; )

Lighter

[Hopalong]

You mean everything in the universe really ISN'T about Meeeeeeeeeeeee?

Blush.

Well, there goes another oversensitive self-defense that was entirely unnecessary.

How embarrassing.

Sorry, Lighter.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I didn't read your response to Bettyanne bc I was reactive and immediately fired off a response to make sure I didn't forget.  All the travel and readying for more travel and catching up with the island and the lake and my widowed friend has me starting posts I don't finish.

Sometimes you and I give different advice, but we have different POVs.... it's to be expected.  Our stuff rubs up againt the other's stuff and shows me where tender spots reside.... and that's OK too.  I admit I've gone to bed mumbling to myself, on occassion, after reading some of your responses to me...this was years ago.  Maybe 2012 or so..... and my mumbling typically lead to deeper understanding about difficult things I needed or need more clarity on.

It's all good: )

Lighter