I am still here

[Phyll]

There may be something to be said about following a spiritual approach to life's problems.  At least that is how it is helping me in AlAnon.  I am feeling more positive minded and content.  No recent thoughts of self-harm. Things are much better with W, he seems better too.
Every night I list 3 things I am grateful for and what I can do to promote that.

There is a 2-hour Rich Roll pod cast called, The Awakened Brain by Lisa Miller, PhD - On The Neuroscience Of Spirituality.  It says, "Recent research in neuroscience, genetics, and epidemiology now establish that humans are not only universally equipped with a capacity for (and inclination towards) spirituality, but that our brains, when so awakened, become more resilient and robust—and our lives more meaningful and content."

If anyone is so inclined, here is a link to the pod cast.  She also has a book.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-awakened-brain-lisa-miller-phd-on-the/id582272991?i=1000547404441

[Twoapenny]

Nice to see that you are still here, Phyll, and that things are going a bit better for you.  I will have a listen to the podcast and keep an eye out for that book - thank you xx

[lighter]

Hi, Phyll:

I have to listen to the podcast again.... it's long and I listen while moving through tasks.

 Have you tried the meditation of setting a table and inviting people who love you to sit with you?  I'm going to try that one.

When Lisa makes bird noises, I notice reactivity around wanting to shield her from those who might judge and perhaps ridicule her.  She seems very authentic, Phyll.

Thanks for sharing this with the board.  I enjoy  examining different topics through the neuroscience lense.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Glad you're drawing strength and comfort from AlAnon, Phyl!
That's wonderful. And to do that during a pandemic is even more important.

Bravo, you.

Glad W has settled down some. What a difference that must make too.

Good January!

hugs
Hops

[Phyll]

Thanks all!  Glad you enjoyed the podcast. Yes, I really liked the meditation of inviting those people who have my best interest at heart to my table.  I have a big table and can easily imagine them sitting there with me!  There is a lot of light and laughter!

[Phyll]

I clogged the toilet this morning and was unable to dislodge the mess myself.  This is the kind of thing, anything at all really, that gives W a reason to rant, rave, berate, and verbally punish me. I cannot listen to it.  If I do, I am tempted to hit him or myself.  These thoughts escalate in me towards suicidal and homicidal thoughts.  I got dressed to leave, but he reminded me the new windows he purchased were in the back of my car, and the strap used to secure them has been removed.  I pictured me trying to remove them or strap them down to turn into a physical altercation.  My other viable choice is to don my head phones and listen to music while writing this out.  I feel so much better.  I cannot tolerate that abuse. My heart rate goes up, my breathing becomes faster and more shallow.
I am scheduled for a stress test the end of this month. I had a CT Calcium Heart screening.  It said my score was in the 99th percentile, meaning only 1% of women my age scored higher than 319.  I don't know how accurate this test is, because the cardiologist said they have had people score into the 1000's.  The Doc said my heart, lungs and coratids sounded fine.  I told him how I break into a sweat just washing dishes, and after a walk I generally must change my clothes as they are soaked with perspiration. My Mother told me Dad's Mom was like this too.  She wore a headband while ironing.  The cardiologist said he thinks I am just out of shape.

We screwed up our finances.  Had to pay taxes and likely a penalty.  Did not know to take withholding on SS.  I thought I could depend on my deferred comp fund to supplement my pension.  It seems I cannot afford to increase my income. 

Beginning in mid-January the full cost of my monthly health insurance premium is coming out of my pension. I dropped dental coverage since I did not use those benefits the last 2 years, as I did not want to expose myself to COVID.  Last week while eating some nuts my lower molar cracked in half and a filling fell out.  I drove to the city (3 hour round trip) to see my dentist.  Over $300 bucks for xrays and a referral to an oral surgeon to remove the tooth.  Who knew a dentist would not extract a tooth!?  The root is still there.  Lord knows how much that will cost.

Rising fuel and food supply prices too. I am stressed. We are meeting with a financial advisor on Wednesday.

[Hopalong]

Phyll,
I feel for you about all of these things. I truly relate to a cluster-fudge of stressful things converging. Health and scary symptoms, home repair issues, money. And being berated by your husband W.

I am so sorry you're dealing with all these at once. A very rough patch. It did sound like good news from your cardiologist though. I'm also having a cardiac stress test...on May 2, and depending what it shows, perhaps also a CT of my heart later on. The purpose is to get clarity on whether my chest pain is cardiac or not. Other options are esophageal or who knows.

When I read about what you (and so many others) are going through to get health and dental care, I feel angry. Just finished reading an article on the cost of insulin, which is up to an insane degree.

About the suicidal or homicidal thinking...that sounds terrifying. Have you talked to your therapist about this? Is it fleeting or recurring? Sounds like the biggest stress of all. Being yelled at was my main reason for leaving my #1husband.

Hang in there. Maybe with spring you could begin a simple, very very gradual walking program? Could reclaiming your health start there?

I forgot to set aside taxes from a big piece of my income one year (it was freelance and I never at that time tracked how money and taxes worked, had always been on salary where everything was more or less automated I was completely freaked out that I owed the gov't a huge (to me) amount. I talked to someone knowledgeable who helped me calm down and set up a payment plan. That turned out to be very low payments over time. It's good you're going to talk to a financial advisor -- I hope it's a non-profit one. I spent $99 once and took a 13-week (now I think it's 10) class called Financial Peace University. The money-guru-guy who leads it is actually the opposite of nearly everything I believe in, however, his pragmatic steps to understanding personal finance changed my life. A very interesting paradox.

Hope you'll update us often. Even if it takes headphones, it's good to write things out.

Sending support, hoping for your peace--
Hops

[Phyll]

Thank you Hops.  I did take a walk today with my headphones.  We generally take our dogs on our trails twice a day, but at a slower pace.  My stress test is on 4/28, good luck with yours - I hope you can find out the source of pain.  I am very good at denying cardiac symptoms.  I spent a lifetime not knowing I had a hole in my heart.  My instinctive reactions of being out of breath, getting dizzy where what I thought was normal. My self-destructive thoughts scare me.  My psychiatrist is aware.  I was not really connecting with the on-line therapist, but that is still an option. Will keep you posted.

[Hopalong]

I hope you will connect with the on-line therapist if it's feasible.
I've noticed at times when things are the worst, one can avoid it.
Or maybe there's no insurance coverage for it.

I don't know what the obstacles are but hope some are soon lifted.

Hang in there, Phyll.

hugs
Hops