Compassion?

[meadow]

I am so glad to see this board back up and running.  I must say I do miss reading everyone's posts on here.

A few days ago our yellow lab was not feeling well.  She is almost 14 years old and was having some health problems.  On Thursday she had a stroke and could not walk.  I took her to the vets and it was there it was decided that she needed to be put down.  I tried to phone my ex (the dad to my kids) to let him and my 13 year old know what was going on. When we separated he did not want the dog and I have taken care of her.  I tried leaving messages for him to return my call.   My 16 year old was able to get a hold of them later on before I did.  Today we were all at a public Christmas function and the first thing my ex (the N) said in an angry voice was that it was very terrible that I didn't make arrangements to have our dog's ashes returned to us.  He has made arrangements to buy the ashes and have them kept at his new house.  We have been separated since the end of last January.  He basically said that I did it all wrong and that he had to fix my mistake for the kid's sake and that he was the better parent in handling the dog's death.  He then gathered the kids up and left and said they were going to the pet store to buy a new dog.  That old feeling of being blamed and not being able to do anything right crept in and I left the Christmas event and went to my van and wept.  It always has to be a competition of being the better parent and buying the kid's attention and love.  Afterwards I thought.....gee it would have been nice to have heard something like...."sorry that happened to you and that must have been hard seeing our dog like that and being by yourself in handling it.  You must miss the dog too."

I know that I can't get that from a N, but it was a good exercise in realizing that a healthy person would have responded in a different way.  Before I would just feel guilty and shamed for the whole day. Our relationship was abusive and I struggle with shame and doubt, almost like I have been brainwashed into believing that things are my fault or that I have to justify everything I do.  I was blamed for many things in our marriage and still am.

[BlueTopaz]

I'm really sorry about your dog meadow. And yes, it must have been very sad, difficult, and very traumatic to witness the seizure, the damage to your dog afterwards, and to have to be the one to take him to the vet to be put down      

I had 3 cats & one passed away in my home this last summer, and in hindsight I'd realized that it made a big difference that I was not here alone when it happened.

You are so right.  It is a wonderful exercise for you see how sick your X's response was, compared to someone who is not ill with a personality disorder like him.  He was trying to demean you because of whatever lacking feeling was boiling up within him, and his response was ureasonable, inaccurate, twisted, cruel, and not "normal" whatsoever.   Like so many N's behavior's it was also completely lacking in any empathy.  Just ice cold anger.  

It took a lot of years of the same abusive enviroment to ingrain a certain way of thinking & feeling so strongly within you. It will take time to wind your way out of it (some old feelings can seem to just pop up automatically at first), but in your new environment away from him, I believe you will slowly start to see things differently, just like you already have begun to.    

I know at least some contact is necessary because of the kids, but the closest thing to zero contact with him, the better for you.

Take good care...

BT

[bludie]

Oh dear, Meadow, I'm so sorry you had such a terrible week. Losing a loyal, trusted and unconditionally loving pet is an awful blow. I've been through it and feel for you.

What a crappy thing for your ex-N to do in the midst of everyone's grief! Crimeny. Of course, even a pet's death would have to be all about HIM and his preferred method of dealing with things (sorry to sound bitter but it angers me).

At least intellectually we can recognize N patterns and traits. And at least we now know not to expect humanity or compassion from an N. But sometimes that knowledge still doesn't shield us from the pain. Try not to internalize his bullying. You could one-up him by bringing home a kitten?!  

[Anonymous]

Your ex obviously isn't the brighter parent as he decided to go to a pet store and buy another dog. Idiot.

Amazing that the death of a beloved pet can even bring out the opportunity for an N to shine. When my dog was diagnosed with lymphoma last year and it was only a matter of time before we had to put him to sleep, all my crazy Nmother could talk about was buying him a really decorative urn and how that would be so attractive in my home or garden. Nuts..

[Portia]

Hi Meadow, sorry about your dog and I’m sure the kids must be very upset, especially if Dad goes off to buy a new one straight away. Not very considerate of their needs is he?

But you might have guessed, I’m going to ask you what has happened with your daughter. Is she still sleeping with her father in his bed when she stays with him? If I remember correctly she’s only 8 years old? Meadow, I think this situation is very damaging. Please tell me it’s not continuing and that child protection services have got involved? Thank you. P

[Anonymous]

Meadow,

I'm very sorry about your dog.  

Bottom line: Your ex will use ANY EXCUSE to abuse you in private, in public, anywhere. This isn't about the dog's ashes. It's just an easy excuse he used to abuse you in front of the children - period. The less personally you take these attacks, the better. See them as his military strategy. You can counter his attacks in intelligent ways. He's clearly not intelligent and uses very crude methods. The best way to counter him (IMO) is to appear a bit startled by his anger. E.g., open your eyes wide to as though to say, "Wow, you are losing it." It will take some practice; but he'll be caught off-guard when his attacks hit a "teflon wall" and that's what will turn things around.

bunny