Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
'23 - The Adventure Continues ;)
Hopalong:
Everything Lighter said. Yes.
I'm into fantasizing about your studio colors, too.
I dunno what to send your way about B's endless ordeal.
But I am grinding my teeth at the illogic.
Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh, thinking of you....
hugs,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Right now I've settled on ceiling, an off white that's warmish...
a PINK (just the word makes me want to revolt; but more description later)
with a brownish/warm gray for trim. Not a sharp contrast between walls & trim; just a definite "edge". Color is more brown than gray.
I've NEVER been a fan of pink - tho' I've mixed it many a time for skin tones & skies. It never had a presence in my wardrobe... and never, ever, kill me first - in my house. Then I saw a pottery barn styling photo of light pink and gray bedding. Pale rose shade, I guess... and I HAD to have. There have been a couple of blush pink shirts added to my closet.
Behr calls this paint color "Island Hopping"; so the shade is in the coral family (went thru the turqoise/coral phase in a small way at the beach)... and the tone is VERY LIGHT. Like pink tinted white... and just a smidge more color. In bright sun, the pink fades away even more. The brown trim color is very soft, like a smudge but cool enough to make that clear definition of trim.
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The studio has been a mish-mosh of things I brought from the beach, all this time. Why spend the money when I already had stuff that would function -- and when the use of the room expanded to "non-judgemental, venting therapy romper room"... if something got damaged, no great loss. We have gone through 2 sets of chairs for the pub table, courtesy of Holly depleting anger. The pub table itself (black lacquer) is scarred with the long days/nights of communing around it - at the beach and here. The plan is to cut it down to coffee table height and surround with couch and club chairs; again using pieces I brought with, initially.
Put the dress form together yesterday; I still need to adjust it and pad it for my shape. Bought a sundress last year that I love; but the straps are too long and there will need to be a few more alterations to it made. And I need to push myself ruthlessly, to decide whether I really need to keep a lot of the crafty odds/ends that I've been storing for years. Which includes a ton of stuff in the attic!! And I'm still working thru the massive "inventory" of things Mike bought in bulk, "just in case" - or when he knew finally, that I was going to be on my own. So, that stuff is still "in the way" of plans.
lighter:
Amber.... what did Mike store away in bulk that you've packed and moved with you to the farm? I simply must know!
And.... what is it about pink you've had a lifelong aversion to? Is it the perceived PINK is for (vulnerable) girls and BLUE is for action oriented men who can protect themselves and do?
Or is it the way you've seen it used? Barbie houses and little girl ruffled clothing? Maybe? Ways going against your style?
Since Pottery Barn used it successfully, maybe it's just that you never saw it used in a way that pleases the eye before? Tastfully and with restraint... zero ruffles, ribbons and bows?
Not sure.
About Hol breaking things when she's angry.... and in your presense, I assume. I have an aversion to irrational violent lashing out with words and actions. It disrupts my Nervous System, sends me into survival mode, esp years ago, so I have a visceral response/reaction to it....... I think I've had it since I've had children, to be honest.
My children weren't too violent, thank goodness, but my niece and nephews were, pretty much unchecked, and then there's been the children my kids went to school with who bit, hit and bullied...... just a zero tolerance thing in my gut.
I ONLY want/am driven to channel Hol's appropriate anger into something not involving hitting/harming herself, others or property.
That's it. You've boxed and likely have gloves and pads..... that's what I'd try to do, not that you're asking, but there it is. Some people need to hit things. It's just a fact. I was one of those people. Still love it if my shoulders weren't so touchy about it,. but I'd enjoy goading Hol into throwing smashing elbows, punches an open hand strikes till her legs couldn't support her and her bladder gave way.
THAT has the benefit of training her to protect herself AND create more peace/harmony in her life an those around her, which feels like priority to me.
My bar, with regard to what I'd allow in my life and childrens' ......
is it legal?
Can they/I perform the action in a public place with strangers OR is it going to be problematic or illegal, etc? If not, it's not going to be allowed around me. You feel you're absorbing it in a safe way for H? With Hol? Maybe you are. You know. I don't.
If she's not up for boxing..... I'd be the person who said I was walking away until the angry person could speak to me respectfully and without being violent.... then I'd retreat until they changed the behavior..... I think. Kids are tricky and I'm not a perfect parent, so.... take the unsolisited adice with the obligatory grain of salt.
And....
I suddenly understand why the dog shows up on your doorstep, seeking shelter. That's really scary, IME/IMO but then, I'm still struggling with guilt from sharing pretty calm, but urgent verbal processing of problems in front of my younger children, performed in order to remain sane enough to continue protecting them to the best of my ability from monsters.
I guess my internal mommy compass yearns to protect/teach Hol and channel her difficult feelings in ways I found super helpful. That's pretty much that, not that you're asking, but I'd allow those conversations ONLY if she was wearing gloves and I was holding pads during it.
Otherwise..... otherwise.....
My thoughts fly apart in the face of allowing Hol to splash apart peace and harmony around her, including her own.
I think you should see how that pink ish color works for you. I didn't know how differnt blues, pinks and cream would look on Christmas cookies this year, but DD21 mixed and used them to produce cookies any Pottery Barn catalogue would be envious of.
If it's OK....keep it.
If it's not.... it's still OK.
Repaint and you don't have to judge or justify it to anyone, including yourself, IME.
Lighter
Hopalong:
For me, too, a chair-smashing presence would cause a short circuit and immediate directions to the exit. I just don't feel an obligation to adapt to the most forceful energy in the room or pretend to be unaffected by it. It's still...force. To me, traumatizing. I ain't a placating audience for this sort of show. Somebody can use up their rage or frustration somewhere else if they have eruption issues. Go split wood until you're exhausted, Hol. It's energy and you can make it useful.
About the pink discussion. I remembered being just enraptured by the gentle illumination in a friend's home, which I attributed to her learning from film industry light designers, etc. Turned out was it was simply her choice to use pink-filmed light bulbs everywhere. Very subtle ones and the effect was never so strong I ever caught on, but once she told me why the space felt that way, I was pretty dazzled. I can't find bulbs with a mild pink tint these days. Hers were incandescent, another issue. I'd love gentle LED bulbs with that tinge if I could find them, but all I see seem to be an aggressive tint. "Party" bulbs, etc. Oh well.
I'm def a fan of intriguing paint with a subtle pink cast, too. I painted a room once with a paint literally named "Pink-ish."
Barbie and bubblegum pinks belong in horrid plastic toys, imo. No appeal to me.
I remember my ex2, the artist, telling me passionately to use color any way I liked unafraid. "Look what nature does!" he nearly yelled. "Forget about matchy-matchy!" Stuck with me and I always appreciated that lesson.
hugs,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Happy New Year.
Re: Hol's "temper tantrums". She's had them since she was born. When she began talking at 3, they lessened somewhat. But she still had them, whenever she didn't have words to explain or felt threatened or totally confused. I used to just grab her and hug her and let her scream/cry it out until she calmed. That energy got translated into physical outlets in grade school. She was a runner. She works - yep; splitting wood, cutting brush, all kinds of physical labor. She built a gym for herself. S got her boxing gloves but won't spar with her. My tai chi teacher said Hol was the most naturally talented student she'd encountered. She KNOWS this is a good way to channel that energy.
The chairs thing didn't begin until we had the space for it to. And she was doing some heavy lifting internally over processing different situations when she'd been NOT seen, or heard, or even acknowledged as existing and having valid feelings. Situations where she didn't matter... but "things" did... more than her. And other people's feelings mattered more than hers. And yes, I wasn't happy the first couple times she resorted to this. But she paid for the replacements. Accepted responsibility. Apologized.
But while verbally processing all those situations where she felt frustrated and helpless to be heard/matter... she would still occasionally hit the same point. The floor is a little worse for wear, the chairs were functional but nothing special... and each time she came to that point the intensity lessened. No chairs have been harmed in a year. She has picked one up a couple times, considered her actions, and put it down and looked for other words, or accepting a hug, or listening to my perspective/observations.
As for me, I learned to not just absorb her energy. Witness, yes. Acknowledge her anger and that her feelings and perspective are valid. And as none of her outbursts were about ME, to that degree, I didn't react in kind. Sometimes, there would be a little projection or transference. And I learned to separate that stuff out. And stand my own ground. Expressions of anger in people around me aren't scary to me. I don't NEED to control it or shut it down; though time/place/other people considerations usually find me between the "innocent" and the angry person.
Yeah, I get that many people aren't comfortable with expressions of anger physically. And that this "work" is unusual. But no one gets hurt. Nothing is thrown AT anyone. And there is trust being built - her with herself, as she begins to control/choose her outward expressions and between us - ie, I'm giving her space be her authentic self without judging it. We usually debrief those episodes a week or two later. When she's had a chance to further process how she got to that point of explosion. She is most definitely improving and refining her control over the expression.
And B is allowed now, to teach a little when he is included (or wishes to be included) in those sessions. He has a lot more experience with the same phenomenon. Remember, I've been very physical too. And have my own evolution with anger. I am not in danger when she's mad about someone else. Nor am I her target instead. And she has been making heroic progress at sorting out the life experience, emotional experiences, and intellectual structures in her own "puzzle".
Taking the "verboten" out of her anger has helped her to understand it isn't an essential part of her that defines her as "bad". She's found the reasons why anger gets activated - for her. She is seeing how other people manage their own, differently - and for different reasons. She's finding her own "chooser" of expression that better evokes the acknowledgement/validation she's seeking.
As for the "pink" issue... it hardly rates on the significance scale. Yeah, there are the associations with stuff that was forced on me (that was a lot like trying to put a tutu on a pig) and ways I actually WAS girly, but then dismissed as being too tomboyish or klutzy to pull it off. All that is stuff long over the damn. My favorite description of this color is the inside of a seashell. And as we age, all females look better in warmer light. Those light bulbs are genius Hops! I think the paint will have the same effect.
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