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'23 - The Adventure Continues ;)

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Hopalong:
Kiri sounds extraordinary. How I'd love to see a pic! She must be stunning to contemplate.

I know why Hol isn't into gardening. It's because she's not into gardening. I'm sorry she's not more help to you on the projects but her heart/imagination aren't fed by earth in the same way yours are. Maybe it's her creative stuff, making. Maybe it's other things in her imagination that haven't fully formed yet.

Kind of thrilling to read how you are just walking away when she puts pressure on you or starts up psychodrama. Good for you!!!! (Hope you can skip backhanding.)

With the men soon absent it might be tempting for you and Hol to get back into the old fights. I'm glad they're showing up as pointless. Toxic connection is still connection for us humans. So maybe you'll find friends in the community, not just on the mountain.

Are you maybe feeling some anxiety over the 3-4 weeks alone? Maybe that's coming up in your interactions with Hol too. Sensing you might need more support from her for a time? And the old conflict conversations are happy to resurface? Unless she did follow through and find herself a therapist to do the deep work with?

I-need-you-but-don't-need-you. Fierce independence is one thing, angry independence another. I have a hard time telling the difference in some connections.

I hope you don't work your body to bits but feel joy again in your deep connection to gardening, growing, building the projects that bring you so much satisfaction.

I wonder if a little irritability between you and B just crops up because you're both recognizing intuitively that separations are difficult. I feel big faith you'll be fine.

hugs,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Well, it's now only 2 weeks till the warrior returns and we're one trip closer to not dealing with the back & forth.

Hol is being a pretty busy girl herself, and is planting more this year on her own, instead of letting S do it all. My big garden is about to go into high gear (tomatoes are ready to go in). I'm trying kidney beans, for an experiment and they shot up like nobodies business with the grow lights. My herbs are gonna have me planting till August, I swear!

There's comfrey, lavender, pleurisy root, skullcap, flax, feverfew, echinecea, centaury, St. John's wort... chamomile & lemon balm and if they ever germinate, boneset, soapwort, something else. Sweet Annie is just germinating. I forgot to order tansy & wormwood.

I added another lilac and a 12 in pot of lavender... and have a strategy for building deep beds among my boulders. All higgeldy-piggeldy, no structured geometric planting for me... and it makes that space (includes a decent sized fire pit) a lovely outdoor space to sit of an evening.

I think I've mostly conquered my resistance to planting. It's still physically taxing and today might be rest day all day. Depends on the rain - if we get any. I need to weed the taters & onions... but couldn't lay hands on a long handled weeder I THOUGHT I still had. Hol thought she saw it in with the ducks & geese - S was spreading straw with it to combat the wet weather spring that runs through there. We already have 4 baby geese. Guess I'm going shopping for a new one today.

My goal is to get as much accomplished asap, before the temp gets over 80 every day and the no-see-ums emerge. It's just too miserable and draining for me to work in the hot sun.

I've got a couple studio projects "in progress" too - for when I just have to stay inside. Been looking for a sweatshirt that's styled like a cardigan - and not finding it. So pattern, fabric, etc. And Hol & I both have moccasins cut out and close to being sewn up.

The new sweet puppy is getting spayed today. Three dogs & trying to integrate Kiri into the "pack" is about all she can manage. A litter of puppies would totally demand all her attention. S is starting to help her more, when he's home. And things are going smoother on that part of the farm.

Contractor still hasn't called to estimate the studio reno. So, I'm calling a few "over the mtn". Ya snooze ya lose buddy! I'm tired of being patient and understanding.

lighter:
Amber:

Households used to have herbal  cabinets and it's thrilling to hear all you're planting!  Love love love the idea of planting in among the boulders with a firepit nearby.  I can picture it..... it's a really great place for bonfires too.

About doing your thing and letting Hol do hers..... I think that's healthy and normal.  What feeeeels upsetting, to me, is the pattern of Hol judging and bossing you.... it likely feels normal to her now.  What creates anxiety, for me, is thinking of stating and holding boundaries to change Hol's patterns as conflict.  I don't do well with conflict and it's been a balm to hold my line while allowing others to have their feelings....... I don't have to go down that rabbit hole with them.  Sweet relief!

From your post, you seem ready to rise to Hol's energetic levels and meet them, as you must.  Brings up lots of angst for me, just to read so I hope you find a way to meet Hol in your calm space, state your boundaries and consequences with love, sans judgment and hold them just the same.  Just bc others are agressively in their bossy boots doesn't mean we have to rise or fall to their levels, IME.

THIS is something I've been giving thought to lately, as you might guess.  Having the relationship I WANT TO HAVE and modeling what I want more of, instead of getting jerked off my horse by people with strong emotions, etc. 

That.

I'm happily enjoying your gardening journey without desire to have one myself.  Feeding/caring for my hydrangea, Azaleas, Mountain Laurels and  Hemlocks is as much as I care to tend to this summer.  The moss takes care of itself at this point and there's less and less of it as I go.

I think you're gong to guard your health and strength during planting season.  Enjoy your solitude and keep updating us: )

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Well, our process works for us. Neither of us shrink from conflict and we have the ability (not always achieved, mind  you) of being able to hold space for the disagreement, different opinions/perceptions/etc - together, between us and jointly work to find a solution. Those solutions are rarely I win/you lose situations. It provides a framework for continuing to work together, even if there is friction or sensitivities, etc.

Over time, solutions are refined. We practice. We listen to each other even when the gist of one's complaint is uncomfortable. We do our best to communicate our own points of view and suggestions. And conflict isn't the sum total of our engagement and interaction with each other. That's how I know her "bossy boots" moments are born out of her acknowledgement of my aging process; her fear of eventually not having me around. My irritations with her are mostly surrounding her not standing up for herself (in other situations).

And when we do experience the loud and aggressive disagreements - it's usually over within 24 hrs and we move on. No tending the tiny flame of resentment. There is usually a discussion post argument where things are restated, inquiries made, sometimes apologies tendered... and we drop it and get back to business.

Without holding the space for us to FEEL that conflict, own our bits of it, be triggered by our own individual past experiences... we wouldn't ever resolve things or shift perspectives to the point of putting ourselves in the other person's position momentarily; seeing things from their seat. Hol is extremely verbal, quick to speak, extremely analytical, logical and intellectual. I still have a problem (sometimes) in fast moving conversation being able to verbalize, especially about feelings... and a good bit of the conflict revolves around she thinks I don't trust her to respect vulnerability and my feelings... when I simply don't have a ready verbal description and have to have some time to find the answer for myself.

These things don't happen all the time. And it's usually not over mundane stuff - it's the intersection of our separate work on ourselves. Our individual methods and perceptions; and it goes deep places where it's literally an emotional trigger minefield. We can do that because we KNOW for a fact, each is 100% safe with the other. Excercising in this space - whether its over a conflict or plans or personal observations - helps us replicate the ability in more of our other relationships.

This is way outside the usual parent-child dynamic; it's past that. There just aren't rulebooks for how to do it, and we've made up our own. It's been this way since she was little and had temper tantrums because she wasn't talking yet. She just starting talking all at once, at about 3 - and hasn't shut up yet! LOLOL. But she does have the ability to go into her own inner space and inquire, reflect and ponder. I've been pushing her toward independence since grade school. She needs interesting challenges from time to time - like sailing in December. With menopause starting to mess with her, though, that's about the only real challenge she has time for. The farm projects are also something she can get into and she's developing more interest in the herbal medicine area. With B around - she's also turning wrenches more, will be welding with him on different things and improving her skills. She wants to design and make things.

Because of our past experiences, we developed very differently; our personalities are a lot different even tho there's some common features. It's easy to only look at things or people through the lens of our personal experience and try to understand them that way. The more we share, stumble into each other's triggers and bumble our way to understanding the other from THEIR perspective... the safer this arrangement is for both of us. We can release the outcome when it comes to what we ask of each other, knowing the other is trying and isn't just giving up or shutting down. This is what working THRU is for us.

And it comes with occasional, unexpected conflicts. That's just life, as we both know it. And it's working out fine. You don't have to worry about how we're getting through it all. We both have decades of practice at this! And when a real crisis hits - we're always the first responder for the other. Like when Mike died or her chimney fire.

Hopalong:
I really like this perception, Amber:


--- Quote ---Hol is extremely verbal, quick to speak, extremely analytical, logical and intellectual. I still have a problem (sometimes) in fast moving conversation being able to verbalize, especially about feelings...
--- End quote ---

I get a momentary "freeze" on feelings articulation sometimes, especially when interrupted, and my therapist literally can't articulate quickly (her own natural pace, plus while I'm talking like a runaway freight train how could she?). I think now at this age, I'm sensitive to sharing with most others that at times, in some situations and not others, I know my brain is working more slowly. I'm doing my best Maggie Kuhn imitation and declaring our RIGHTS to be a tad slower or different with age, without being scrutinized for something awful. I'm also outspoken as heck about ADD, which has nothing to do with IQ but is more difficult with age. Alla that.

The hesitation to talk about it can be fear of unconscious ageism from others, as so many are inclined to think that any verbal stumbles or changes in pace are billboards for creeping senility. I DO forget things more often and some mental tasks (plus ADD coping) are more difficult these days. But this is not alarming, it's natural. I don't expect myself to carry on at the same speed forever, and yet I ain't got dementia! My poetry writing, which can get quite complex and nuanced, is better than ever these days (workshop sez so too), and a trickle-in of earned wisdom feels like a compensatory skill. Managing paperwork and calendars? Feh.

If our culture and sometimes dear ones knew how to listen to elders with patience that is just a realistic adjustment to how aging ripens, not condescension, it would be a good thing. But in this like in SO MANY things, America is woefully adolescent.

I guess with someone as smart as Hol (chip off old block) you can just educate her that somewhat slower processing indicates just a NATURAL change in your processing, not a "decline." Even if your hair is white. Or maybe your verbal processing pace is just intrinsic to who you are and always have been, so it's not even a real change. Everybody's different. In some cases it's a real problem but I believe we know the difference. (Then again, there is denial, and I have friends who pretend capacities they've lost, because to age unashamedly in America is a fearful prospect.)

Sounds like you and Hol are at peace with your process. And with who you are.

hugs
Hops

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