Lordy..... I'm puttering around the house, catching up and put Prime on the TV for background. It was trash and recycling day and raining cats and dogs..... I put my sister on a 6:30am flight with 140 lbs of luggage and my girls were up and helping in every direction at 4:30 am, saying goodbye to their Aunt...... lovely and strong and so happy. I was so happy and sister's trip has been so productive and joyful..... too short at 2 weeks, but really amazing.
Just..... so many things going on, coming up, echoing as the show played in the background. Sometimes I'd run it back and watch a scene carefully....... but mostly played in the background.
No one gets out of childhood unscathed, do they?
So many parts and pieces and wounds and some wounds are more or less likely to hold their grip..... release the grip.
It seems very odd there's so little understanding or attention to it..... no early childhood education from what I've experienced. Is it bc children and women have so little value in this culture? Is that it? What's important.... are things and earning and owning...things and people? Not sure. No time to figure that one out today.
And so... the opening scenes are about a very happy little family of three AND the little daughter looks almost exactly like my twin's DD, but with light eyes..... my twin's light eyes...my eyes. We all had that long blonde hair and seeing that happy daddy with her was like a punch in the gut for my girls. So much joy and dancing and the kind of togetherness I always wanted and hold dear,but never really understood WHY it was so important.... just knew I didn't really have it, but wanted it.
And this little family on the show are happy, but there's somethng about the cloudy, overcast background, without a break, that's forboding and then it happens..... the DD and Mother have bruises and walk on eggshells and it gets worse from there. I wasn't interested in a postmorm of the beginning of my end with ASPD H.... just letting everything I felt wash over me and have it.
Earlier today Youngest DD21 shared her grade in a class she struggled with mightily. We ALL suffered through her struggle....she has a few things messing with her ability to read and focus, so this class was daunting and then my girls were chatting about how lucky they are to have good brains unscathed by childhood trauma..... I'm paraphrasing, but about fell out of my chair, bc part of me feeeeeels childhood trauma (created BY ME and my choices) is a feature in their lives... has always been a feature and will mark them deeply and BE INSIDE them.... while I yearn to heal it and make a nuisance of myself, at times, without being able to stop.... at times.
I felt my girls felt the scars of all the trials an tribulations marked them deeply.... irreversibly. There's so much relief to hear them say that, casually....... bc it's true. Their very early lives were mostly just us..... sans their father.....and we were free and barefoot and happily dancing and playing and mostly so very on our own. Content and full.... interesting and interested. We HAD that. It was ours. It's inside us and will always be there. I think seeing us through the eyes of the contractor yesterday was a bit of a shake up too. I think family tend to see each other through little pinholes and that seeing gets on us....is a part of us if we can't find a way to distance it....no time to make more sense of that, but ther'es great power in creating spaciousness in our lives and bodies. I'll say that for sure.
I'm going to hold on to my DDs' laughter for the rest of the day and do my best to drop the old fear and judgment.........it's not easy to notice or catch with everything all the time, IME.
Lighter
