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Captain's Log - 2024

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sKePTiKal:
Beeb is S's dog. But Beeb loves it here since he's good and gets to do all the disgusting things dogs love to do. Roll in dead animals, bring back carcasses, etc.

She is an anxious ball of anxiety, speculation, analysis, and her own imagination right now. Doing her best to keep a lid on it and making personal decisions about how she wants to handle things. I don't think she's quite realized yet, that this is what it's like when you're doing all the work (even of breaking up) yourself. He replies with "I don't know" when she asks direct questions about it - and then accuses her of being mean to him - when she tells him how SHE feels. (She volunteered using all "I" statements, btw.) He doesn't even want to make a commitment to understanding what a commitment IS... what it means in terms of respect and consideration for another and putting in time/effort to better his own situation.

I've come to that description, after listening to her repeatedly unroll her hamster wheel stereoscope mental loops over & over. Working in the studio has been her only escape to focus and the satisfaction of "progress". Of being able to "effect" change. She's been reaching out to all her friends for support a lot, lately. But I'm still the most available person to her. She has a hard time being in the hut and we are in the midst of days of rain right now. Her old coping mechanisms are surfacing too.

So, with B trying to finish up all the things he can before he makes another short trip away for a load, I've been spending more time with her, again. And B is feeling left out some, too. So, I'm juggling as best I can. And it's causing me to clam up and do some deep rethinking about things... maybe selling the business (big step I can't make by myself)... other things. The other night it felt like everything I'd worked to build was crashing, falling apart, disappearing. Not a good feeling. And not entirely true, either.

I have another contractor coming out next week for estimate/advice on the drainage around Hol's place and getting gravel on the road. She needs a fence for Kiri, too. The only time Kiri runs off and annoys the neighbor is when S is home because he leaves her out and doesn't supervise her. Because he doesn't see Kiri - she doesn't exist to him. I think Hol is kinda secretly worried that S is the same way with her.

So, I suppose it's natural to be a bit overwhelmed at the moment. Cure for that is B & I going out to procure his birthday present and mail some stuff at the PO. A quiet day - sans no OPPs - for us. He picks up his rental on Thursday. Hair cut today. Cheesecake for him to take with... tomorrow.

S came home Sunday and will be gone again Wed or Thurs. My guess is he's still not going to address Hol's questions or acknowledge her feelings. It's been quiet, so I'm pretty sure he slept most of yesterday. She has a kitty to take back to vet today. There was a kerfluffle of cats out in the woods and moonie got the worst of it.

Hopalong:
Oof. This sounds prescient and premonitory.


--- Quote ---Because he doesn't see Kiri - she doesn't exist to him. I think Hol is kinda secretly worried that S is the same way with her.
--- End quote ---

But how good it would be for H to connect the dots...sounds like she's on her way. She deserves someone who appreciates her strength but doesn't take advantage of her vulnerability.

Brava!

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
I think she knows she deserves better, Hops. She is working hard at not being swept away by her anxiety or emotions. I have to be a little careful not to "advise" her on ways to think about his behavior... or even offer my honest opinion, in some cases.

At this point, I'm just trying to help her keep it together, keeping her focused on doing stuff - with the weather being biblically wet (as in, I NEED an ARK!!) - we haven't been able to do much outside yet. So studio interior it is....

lighter:
I wish Hol could see S without seeing herself or taking anything personally.  He's doing what he does....I don't think he'd do anything differently if Hol wasn't in his picture.
Taking his actions and words personally seems to create a lot of sadness and conflict for Hol.

Needing him to have more, say more, be more is the crux, me'thinks.

Sorry she's struggling.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Since B has gone for another load, we talked again last night. Or argued, is more like it.

She totally gets that she can end all this, on her own via her decision BUT is still refusing to do so. That makes my head spin, exorcist-style. Finally I said, if you're NOT trying to control his behavior and yet after 5 years you think he will still change to suit you, then all you end up with is the same misery and something (one) else to take care of - at his convenience. And I left before I could say any more.

It bothers the hell out of me, that she seems to fear that letting him go or demanding he leave means no one else will ever love her (and it can be argued that the lack of respect and consideration for her feelings ISN'T love). And of course, she blames me for modelling this behavior for her. SIGH. I suppose that's why she latches on to the first guy to take an interest in her, repeatedly. She does tend to stack up resentments once in a settled relationship, even though the patterns & behaviors were right there in front of her plain to see. All while saying she just wants him to be happy and do what he wants to do... pretty much creating her own double bind.

I think I'm going to stop being so available to her microscopic detail pseudo-analysis sessions. We have LOTS of farm stuff to talk about and do. But those conversations are consistently hijacked for the same hamster-wheel loop.

I desperately need a break from it.

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