Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
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Twoapenny:
I don't think the friend has any ulterior motive, Lighter, I think she's just one of those people that can't pull out the important details from the unimportant ones and so just includes everything. I wanted to know about her trip, I asked her to tell me about her trip and I was looking forward to hearing about it. But I think twenty minutes would easily have covered it in enough depth. It was literally every detail from the moment they left their house to the moment they got back again and it was just too much, and went on for too long. There are also frequent diversions to the other time something happened, or someone else they know who went to the same place, and the conversation they had with the lady they met who turned out to know someone they used to live next door to and it just goes on like that. I don't think I could talk on any topic for ninety minutes? I sometimes did talks on books we were reading in school to small groups who were doing additional study and that would be about half an hour, and that felt like a huge amount of time to fill. I'm tired again just thinking about it lol x
lighter:
Ugh.....sorry you're reliving it. Maybe a little autism going, as I notice a duty towards giving all "relevant" facts often when recounting experiences too! It's tedious for me!
How's the house hunt going?
Lighter
Hopalong:
I've had a few friends who talk that way for 90 minutes.
Today, though, I can't do it. The main one starts up and after a while I'll say kindly, I've got about 10 more minutes, can you give me the summary?
I've felt in the past huge anxiety building when I NEEDED to interrupt her stream-of-consienceness but DIDN'T. I think the art of "gentle interruption" is key, and gets easier with practice.
But it sounds like your friend never took a breath. It's difficult to interrupt when you believe in politeness and patience as core values. But having an alligator chomping inside your guts and screaming brain while they drone onnnnnnnnnnnnnn is difficult too.
Rest up! I get how draining that was.
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
I've been busy focusing on practical things rather than existential naval gazing the last few weeks :) Thinking about what I want, how to get it, where I'm going wrong, how I can change things, whilst still meeting son's needs and juggling the usual 'boring but necessary' stuff we all have to do.
I've been re-evaluating myself and those around me, too. We went away for a few days and the nicest thing about being away was that everyone we met was in a good mood, doing something they were enjoying (we went to a touristy type area and there were loads of Americans! Plus lots of Brits, some younger European travellers and a couple of Australians). I realised that everyone I know in real life has problems and is currently in a difficult place, likely to get worse. Generally it's health related problems. I don't think I know anyone without significant health problems now? And most of the people I know - maybe even all of them - are not taking steps to try to improve or change their situations. Even though they aren't happy or doing well as they are.
I feel enormous guilt at not problem solving/checking in every day/focusing myself entirely on other people's problems. I know I shouldn't, I know it is illogical and I know I have enough of my own problems to focus on. But being away made me realise how much I focus on what is going on outside of and around me, rather than what is inside me, what I'm made of and want I want. Even driving yesterday, I realised I had sat behind a learner driver for about ten minutes, when I could easily have passed. But I didn't want them to think I was impatient with them driving slowly so I'd sat there. It wasn't even a conscious thing, I suddenly realised I didn't need to be there and I'd automatically put the comfort of a person I didn't even know above my own needs - and hadn't even stopped to think I had no way of knowing what they were comfortable with anyway. Now I've seen it, I realised I do it all the time, in so many situations. Without even realising I'm doing it.
The nice thing about being around people who are getting on with and enjoying life is that there are so many topics of conversation and it's not reduced to a blame game, which is what I find with most people I talk to day to day. There were people with health problems and disabilities everywhere we went and, whilst that doesn't mean that everyone who is unwell or disabled can go and walk round waterfalls and go on sight-seeing trips, it did show me that a lot of the people I know personally could do more than sit in watching telly and moaning all the time. I have avoided people since we got back. I don't want to be the unofficial therapist who people offload on before going back to do more of the same that got them into the need to offload in the first place. It's been an odd few days and it made me realise I am overly attached to the past. I want, very much, to move forward, but I need to stop hanging my coat on other people's lives and start figuring out in my own way what I'm doing and why.
sKePTiKal:
There are some deep truths in your latest observation. I want to ponder them a bit before giving feedback. Hol has been having her own revelations on this kind of thing too.
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