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Hopalong:
Me, too.
All the dancing yoga joyful self care sounds awesome, Tupp. You really do get into the flow at times and I'm taking notes.
For different reasons, I felt tightropey too in childhood. It's too easy for me to slip back into that now. But I've figured out I have to be tougher about NOT putting things on the calendar and just leaving time open for extended periods. That's a wole lotta what looks like lolling around, but it's what refills my batteries at a trickle pace.
I remember biting my fingernails until they bled, and when I was little and limber, my toenails too. For me it was the bullying (brother at home, girls at school). My parents meant well and my dad was a comfort, but so exhausted and busy he only had a few minutes for me...also, mom wanted his full attention all the time. Sigh.
Today, when I have some obligation I forget or don't tend to, I notice my shoulders become hard as rocks.
I'm meeting the Sikh once a month now and really look forward to each conversation. He doesn't "fix me" but asks me a lot of excellent questions. He was pointing out that my loss of Pooch is major, so the last few months of not feeling capable is not weird. Compassion absolves, always, I think.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
Thinking about you guys and processing childhood trauma while having coffee with the hummingbirds and a hungry little finch....and REM popped into my head.
I wonder if, when you catch it, the moments of feeling bad/not good enough....
you recognize them, ask (hummingbird chirping just now) ask them to notice with you while practicing REM......if that shifts anything.
My T would use her fingers about 18" away from my face, moving faster than I could follow with my eyes. It was overwhelming to try. She suggested I choose 2 spots on the wall.....either side of a doorway maybe, at edges of peripheral vision,vto practice alone.
Of all the things she's given me......that's popped up this morning and is doable. My eyes feel a bit dizzy, but I'll continue shifting reactivity around family till coffee is done.
I hear the hawks hunting in the yard. So many distractions....fishermen sound so close ... like they're on the porch.
Back to REM for at least 2 more rounds. Do you have a light you use, Tupp or was that your T's?
Wow.....my focus is so sharp. I can spot the 2 separate hummingbirds and a little squirrel sitting in the trees. Something sounds like it's crying.... it's a few trees back. Can't spot it yet, but I see the branch the hawk likes to sit on.
: uncrossing legs:: REM.... I chatter my teeth back and forth..... they're trying to help my eyes keep up, I think, lol.
The crying noise is coming from a squirrel. Sometimes that noise goes on into the night. Assuming a nest was pillaged by an owl....they hunt at night.
:: uncrossing legs again:: Remembering to breath and commence REM again......stretch and.....I see stars and the lovely maternal spirits I've recently hosted at the lake pop up for me. The house has never been so clean or cared for.
Kayakers, not fishermen, float gently by and that's my sign to attempt smart TV set up, sans oldest DD's help, darnit 🪺
We're here, waiting for you, ((Tupp.))
Lighter
Hopalong:
Just a great big AHHHHHH, Lighter. Thanks for all that description.
Tupp, sorry for my hijack of the thread, going into my childhood. I guess I just think all of us and what we are at our cores happens in those early moments, but they aren't prison stones, they are touchstones. I feel better when I dip back to acknowledge it all because it says I had my reasons, and remembering reduces shame.
How not to get stuck in my sticky early wounds? More nature, more love, more friendly touch/hugs, more laughter. More liking.
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
Well the camping trip was a disaster. Son couldn't cope at all and we had to come home early. There's work being done in the house so walls need to be stripped and rooms emptied so at home is chaos at the moment and isn't a nice or relaxing space to be in. Just got off the phone to a friend, ninety minute conversation during which I had a minute by minute account of a day trip they went on a little while ago, ninety minutes. I think I am generally done with people. I can't remember the last time I had a really good, deep, funny but also serious conversation with anybody. Years, decades, probably. The conversation ended because I cut it off but it just left me so tired and wishing I'd spent the time getting some more tidying up done instead. Now we're away out for the evening; I'm tired before we even go.
lighter:
((Tupp)) do you think your friend was trying to make you feel better or in some way competing with your terrible trip? In any case, you have less energy and patience for listening to ramblings of others, bc you're human and realize you have choice in the matter.
And....you did your best to dial in your son's interests while meeting his needs. You always do. Not every decision will be perfectly suited. Perhaps at a different time, it might. Just not now.
Rest as you can, ((dear one.))
This too shall pass
Lighter
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