Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Checking In
lighter:
Tupp...re fawning ... I'm so with you on noticing and catching it.... stopping that reaction ....replacing with responsiveness.
For a while, I was aggressively opposite and lacking chill/balance/choice.
I slid out of that, but always strive for emotional distance providing the headspace required to BE chill/balanced and to restore choice.
I can want something and focus on failure OR relax and mind my mental health/coping strategies/good habits I've worked towards and notice.....
it feels they're taking up space where old habits/stress/anxiety/fawning used to live.
That makes sense to me right now.
Thanks reminds me of the saying...
"If one tak s care of the pennies, the dollars
take care of themselves."
Not worrying into the future means I notice my internal world, catch and deal with normally upsetting things to get back to being present (with greater ease and frequency.)
Sometimes chill IS my default, but not perfectly and that's ok too.
Things dropping away......things getting crowded out.....mindfully choosing and discerning while reminding myself it's my job.....helps.
About getting bait and switched into caring for dogs (esp while you're suffering with back pain.) WTH? That lady was likely desperate. I know the feeling, BUT I don't consider wrong/bad/impossible options.
She needs to work her problem till she finds a solution....
Trading out dog sitting with someone in similar position or having a traveling pet sitting company send someone cheap who wants to vacation there or have someone in who's property is being shown daily (like we did) or maybe consider she has to save a while longer to afford her her trip. Plopping all that in your unsuspecting lap wasn't feasible. She can be as chilly as she likes. I'm super cool with the word NO.....now. I wasn't, but it's on the tip of my tongue, often now.
It's ditching the old scrips and leaning into what's real.... remembering who we are that brings the ease, IME.
Dropping the buy into other people's negative narratives about us gets easier...becomes obvious....inhabits spaces in our knowing, IME.
If you haven't seen the book Pain Free by Egoscue Clinic, consider ordering used. I have copies everywhere. Spent lots of time on my back, knees on a box, treating lower back troubles. My friends do the same!
In the meantime....
Here's to minding our own business....caring for ourselves and what's ours to tend, sans shame or guilt.
It's ok.....even if it doesn't feeeeel ok.... it's still ok.
Good luck working your housing program to the be est possible outcome, ((Tupp.))
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on July 07, 2024, 02:54:10 PM ---Tupp...re fawning ... I'm so with you on noticing and catching it.... stopping that reaction ....replacing with responsiveness.
For a while, I was aggressively opposite and lacking chill/balance/choice.
I slid out of that, but always strive for emotional distance providing the headspace required to BE chill/balanced and to restore choice.
I can want something and focus on failure OR relax and mind my mental health/coping strategies/good habits I've worked towards and notice.....
it feels they're taking up space where old habits/stress/anxiety/fawning used to live.
That makes sense to me right now.
Thanks reminds me of the saying...
"If one tak s care of the pennies, the dollars
take care of themselves."
Not worrying into the future means I notice my internal world, catch and deal with normally upsetting things to get back to being present (with greater ease and frequency.)
Sometimes chill IS my default, but not perfectly and that's ok too.
Things dropping away......things getting crowded out.....mindfully choosing and discerning while reminding myself it's my job.....helps.
About getting bait and switched into caring for dogs (esp while you're suffering with back pain.) WTH? That lady was likely desperate. I know the feeling, BUT I don't consider wrong/bad/impossible options.
She needs to work her problem till she finds a solution....
Trading out dog sitting with someone in similar position or having a traveling pet sitting company send someone cheap who wants to vacation there or have someone in who's property is being shown daily (like we did) or maybe consider she has to save a while longer to afford her her trip. Plopping all that in your unsuspecting lap wasn't feasible. She can be as chilly as she likes. I'm super cool with the word NO.....now. I wasn't, but it's on the tip of my tongue, often now.
It's ditching the old scrips and leaning into what's real.... remembering who we are that brings the ease, IME.
Dropping the buy into other people's negative narratives about us gets easier...becomes obvious....inhabits spaces in our knowing, IME.
If you haven't seen the book Pain Free by Egoscue Clinic, consider ordering used. I have copies everywhere. Spent lots of time on my back, knees on a box, treating lower back troubles. My friends do the same!
In the meantime....
Here's to minding our own business....caring for ourselves and what's ours to tend, sans shame or guilt.
It's ok.....even if it doesn't feeeeel ok.... it's still ok.
Good luck working your housing program to the be est possible outcome, ((Tupp.))
--- End quote ---
I will look out that book, Lighter, thank you. It is sooo painful and I don't like/want to be on lots of pain meds. I've had to take some to get through the week but I'd rather find ways of making it begone so will look for that book, thank you.
Re the fawning, I didn't even realise I did that until I read about it. It's difficult isn't it, there's a fine line between smiling and nodding in an unimportant situation just to get out of it quickly (talking to someone in line at a store, for example), there's times you might be at someone else's house for a get together so you bite your tongue and just yep and uhuh to avoid a scene - and then there's times when you trip over yourself to make someone else feel comfortable when there's really no need to and that's what I realised I do a lot. I can't imagine how much time i've wasted over the years listening to people drone on when I didn't need to.
I don't know what her deal is with the pet sitting, it's very odd. Their holiday's been booked for two years (she's talked about it loads), it's costing a fortune (she's told me repeatedly) so why she's waited until now to sort out animal care or why she thought of asking me I just don't know. But I keep saying to myself, I don't mind doing someone a favour but I'm not responsible for other people's pets (or kids, homes, gardens, health or anything else).
Yes to minding our own business and letting other people mind theirs :)
Hopalong:
My dodgy back sends solidarity, Tupp.
I'm gutted for you too.
On the other hand, this is an opportunity to really take the time you need to choose your next, and hopefully forever, home. All those aging things in mind: I pretend it's not real but know it is. One level is easier (though stairs do keep legs strong). A bit of green feeds the soul (and cat's). Noise matters if you're sensitive to it. A bus stop very close keeps you active. Activities for both of you do the same. Shops, doctors, community.
When I first moved from country to town after my divorce I thought it'd break my heart. Then I discovered the lovely indoor public swimming pool a block from my door, the sweet old woman right next door, little kids riding bikes, friendly couple down the street who loved a check-in chat on a walk, etc. I realized after years outside town that I had been very lonely in that lovely place.
You know it all, I'm just a knowitall. LOL.
Will be riding in the back seat in spirit to cheer you on!
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on July 08, 2024, 10:32:45 AM ---My dodgy back sends solidarity, Tupp.
I'm gutted for you too.
On the other hand, this is an opportunity to really take the time you need to choose your next, and hopefully forever, home. All those aging things in mind: I pretend it's not real but know it is. One level is easier (though stairs do keep legs strong). A bit of green feeds the soul (and cat's). Noise matters if you're sensitive to it. A bus stop very close keeps you active. Activities for both of you do the same. Shops, doctors, community.
When I first moved from country to town after my divorce I thought it'd break my heart. Then I discovered the lovely indoor public swimming pool a block from my door, the sweet old woman right next door, little kids riding bikes, friendly couple down the street who loved a check-in chat on a walk, etc. I realized after years outside town that I had been very lonely in that lovely place.
You know it all, I'm just a knowitall. LOL.
Will be riding in the back seat in spirit to cheer you on!
hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
Lol thanks Hops, yes, all of those things are what I want. One level I might not get as they tend to reserve that for older/disabled but all the other things are on my checklist. The area I particularly have my eye on is a group of 3 relatively small towns fairly close by one another, good transport links, plenty going on in each town but none of them are particularly hectic or high crime sort of areas. So should be possible to find fairly quiet but still within easy reach of stuff. What I'd really like is enough activity for son that as he outgrows things and/or gets bored of them, there's other stuff for him to do. Disability provision is so limited, it's mind blowing really that there's so little available and so much of it is the same. I genuinely have more choice over where to board the cat than I do of places for son to socialise which is shocking. So if I can find somewhere with enough sets of different things happening that he can pick and chose a bit, and dip in and out when he wants to, that would be really good. Definitely need public transport; I'm driving but even short distances are really painful and getting in and out of the car is hard. I'm hoping my back won't stay like this - it is improving - but I know it could become permanent and that is a worry. We'll see what comes up. I would like to get going before winter sets in again but much of it is out of my hands so we'll just have to wait and see :) I have started packing, though :) Lol
Twoapenny:
Had another incident similar to the 'will you look after my pets' one so am now thinking about my own behaviour and what it is I do that brings this out in other people. It's not being asked a favour that I mind, it's the sort of sneaky round about way it's happening and the time it's taking me to extricate myself from it. Yesterday I had two missed calls and a text message from someone, I messaged back and said I'd have time to talk tomorrow (today now) and I'd call them then, got another message that suggested it was urgent so I rang. It wasn't urgent, she could have looked it up for herself in less time than it took her to keep contacting me, it could have been put off until we meet in person at the weekend. She also wanted directions for where we're meeting, went through it with her three times and she still wasn't sure, couldn't explain it any clearer, for some reason she doesn't use map or sat nav.
I think I get anxious at the thought of not doing what someone else wants (ie picking up the phone, answering the door, agreeing to things before I know what's wanted). But I seem to attract people who have that kind of neediness about them. They will react if they don't get what they want when they want, whereas there are other people I know who, if I said I was busy today and I'll call them tomorrow they'd say no problem and it wouldn't concern me. So I need to work out how to swich off the radar that I seem to send out that draws those sort of people in.
I think part of it with me is that I don't select people, I wait for them to select me (you're not an apple waiting to be picked, Lighter! I always think of that lol). I find rejection hard, even a soft rejection of a phone call not being returned or a text reply three weeks after a message was sent. I also feel I don't have anything to offer people so I don't feel up to inviting someone round for coffee and then, truthfully, being embarrassed by my life and the way I live. Hmm, hadn't realised that before. That's quite a big one. I suppose essentially I don't feel I'm on the same level as the kind of people I'd like to spend time with. But the neediness in me attracts the ones who then lead me to sitting here writing about angst online :) Lol. So I guess I need to be less needy? And level up more so that I feel I can say to someone, come round for a coffee and not be embarrassed. Okay. I'm thinking out loud. Time to dial down my own neediness, I think.
I think I need to work on my own routine as well. The conversation with her really drained me, it threw my evening routine out and I ended up not doing what I wanted to get done and went to bed in a mood. Haven't slept well so the disruption has carried on into today and this is all because I couldn't just ignore my phone or say no, I've no time today. Need to make my routine more robust so I don't get derailed as well, I think.
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version