Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
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lighter:
All that resonating with me, Tupp.
AND I'm dealing with a sort of rejection in that ...the couple with the baby cleaning crew decided not to take us on....and I think it's about the Resident Evil Angel art piece in the master bedroom.
Note to self .....always say it's an angel if protection!!! The husband was covered in Christian tattoos and clothing. They turned down a $550 cleaning fee. I'm feeling shaken and gut punched, truthfully.
On the other hand, something right will eventually be arranged. I feel that too.
Old pathways converging with newly cultivated pathways, I guess.
I'll mindfully focus on solutions and assuming this is for the best.
Hmmmm. I immediately feel better.
Wow.
Reminds me of the saying...
"What you fear will find you."
About your internal review....
Nonjudgmental observer mode is a productive balm, IME.
Lightrr
Hopalong:
Tupp, as ever your deep honesty with yourself amazes me. Here it is:
...essentially I don't feel I'm on the same level as the kind of people I'd like to spend time with
You're hardly alone in this, as probably every other house on every street contains someone who's getting yanked by insecure feelings all through their lives that are exactly the same. Shame triggers, low self-respect, trauma-reaction patterns, all of that. I've had calamitous times, short or long, because of them. A LOT less with age.
Self-esteem gets written about in such treacly ways. But I believe what's at the heart of all those strenuous efforts to teach people positive affirmations, meditations on self-compassion, vulnerability, etc. is truth that does heal people and change their interactions with others and ultimately their lives. Imo.
I think you're brilliant the way you think things and feelings all the way through. Really astonishingly open and intelligent. Not dismissing how you feel, but not avoiding a deeper dive that can give you inner space to ask questions without fear.
It is SO impressive to me.
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on July 10, 2024, 08:34:51 AM ---All that resonating with me, Tupp.
AND I'm dealing with a sort of rejection in that ...the couple with the baby cleaning crew decided not to take us on....and I think it's about the Resident Evil Angel art piece in the master bedroom.
Note to self .....always say it's an angel if protection!!! The husband was covered in Christian tattoos and clothing. They turned down a $550 cleaning fee. I'm feeling shaken and gut punched, truthfully.
On the other hand, something right will eventually be arranged. I feel that too.
Old pathways converging with newly cultivated pathways, I guess.
I'll mindfully focus on solutions and assuming this is for the best.
Hmmmm. I immediately feel better.
Wow.
Reminds me of the saying...
"What you fear will find you."
About your internal review....
Nonjudgmental observer mode is a productive balm, IME.
Lightrr
--- End quote ---
Oh wow, Lighter, well yes, it hits us all in different ways! But like you say, it paves the way for someone better/different/better suited to your situation (angels or no angels!). People can be funny. Non judgemental observer is helping me so much right now. Back is feeling better, too - not great, but can move more easily and I'm not waking myself up every time I roll over. Fingers crossed the right people come along for you soon enough.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on July 10, 2024, 01:15:57 PM ---Tupp, as ever your deep honesty with yourself amazes me. Here it is:
...essentially I don't feel I'm on the same level as the kind of people I'd like to spend time with
You're hardly alone in this, as probably every other house on every street contains someone who's getting yanked by insecure feelings all through their lives that are exactly the same. Shame triggers, low self-respect, trauma-reaction patterns, all of that. I've had calamitous times, short or long, because of them. A LOT less with age.
Self-esteem gets written about in such treacly ways. But I believe what's at the heart of all those strenuous efforts to teach people positive affirmations, meditations on self-compassion, vulnerability, etc. is truth that does heal people and change their interactions with others and ultimately their lives. Imo.
I think you're brilliant the way you think things and feelings all the way through. Really astonishingly open and intelligent. Not dismissing how you feel, but not avoiding a deeper dive that can give you inner space to ask questions without fear.
It is SO impressive to me.
hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Hopsie. Do you know, today was so different. I made a list, kept my phone switched off, didn't check any messages on my laptop and got everything done without any interruptions and without any anxiety. Checked messages after dinner, got back to a couple of people, sent a couple of emails and switched it all off again. So I got everything done without getting in a flap and the funny thing I realised is, it's feeling anxious that makes me start flicking through my phone and checking my emails, and then I get more anxious because I'm not getting enough done and I can't concentrate because I'm doing too many things at the same time. How silly is that, that I feed my anxiety by doing things that make me feel more anxious. Bonkers. And on top of that, because I got some useful things done at home and finished reading my book, I now have two things I can mention if someone says 'what have you been up to', instead of my usual blind panic of feeling I've done nothing worth mentioning. Mad how something as small as a change in routine can change your headspace as well.
I would love my self esteem to be healthier. I know no-one feels incredible all the time and everyone has periods of self doubt (apart from personality disorder type people but that's a whole other thing :) ) but it would be nice to feel there is a bit of substance to me again. Hopefully little changes lead to bigger ones xx
lighter:
You know, Tupp....it hit me last night.
What if...
I/certain others
hold an unconscious belief around
self care = doing for others?
I honestly get an endorphin surge when I do for others, think about it, plan it.....it occurred to me to do for others
after l was on the road 4 hours,
trapped in a truck stuffed with stinking trash after cleaning the lake house for 13 hours on top little sleep....running up stairs and down stairs.....many many very many many stairs....
Occurred to me that doing for others, in a time of intense fatigue/frustration/disappointment/problemwith housekeeping....to do for others, rather than self and I was focusing on self care!!
I realized....
part of my self care ritual is doing for others😬😵💫😵
Others.
Not myself.
Holy guacamole, Tupp.
I found myself
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